Hi there.
Have you ever had one of those nights? Those nights where your brain goes into this reflective frenzy, and you can't sleep and you play emotional songs and all you want to do is turn it off, turn everything off, forget it or just wished that you could have it all back? Well, need me remind you that you're not the only one and that I guess this is what it means to be human. How often do I have these type of nights? Often enough to want to sleep the whole day through. I know that things happen for a reason and I know that life has its way and God has this reasons and timing for every little bit that goes on. But these nights are the hardest to live through. Have you ever just sat down and wondered how the hell you got yourself here? Have you every just stood to look back to see the amount of hurdles you had to jump across, the amount of mountains you had to climb, the amount of storms you had to live through and the amount of people you had to meet along the way and you turn to look forward only to see a huge ass monster right at your face, and you're defenseless. Well, what are you going to do? What can you do? But most of all, where's the point in all of this?
Why does anyone do anything? I guess to me those questions have no short and simple answers. But through everything that I have been through, in all honesty I'm neither happy nor sad that I have gotten this far with everything that I have learnt. I wouldn't say I'm wise enough to face my demons though. I'm just tired. Though, who isn't tired? We're all tired in our own ways. We're all satisfied in our own ways, happy in our own ways. Heck, I hate nights like these. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, neither do I know what I'm going to do with my life. And I guess its harder when you don't have a goal and with no goal comes no directions. It's really funny how you just keep walking and walking and walking and one day you just stop and wonder how you actually got there in the first place. Sometimes you find yourself lost, sometimes you find yourself in the right place. Last time it used to be, "you need to stand up." then it used to be "you just need to keep walking. It doesn't matter where you're going. At least you're walking." Now that I'm walking, "you need to find a goal" or "where are you going?". It never is enough, is it? It'll never be enough. I guess that's hard because even taking a breather from nothing is pretty ridiculous. "how are you?" "Tired." "Tired of what? You're not even doing anything." Yup. That is right. A few years ago admitting that I was tired and lost used to be something I was so scared to admit because I knew that I was so much better than that. Not long after that it kinda became a part of me. Right now its just something I shamelessly admit because that's how things are.
Goodnight world.
Zoe
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