Asian Parents.

So first of all, I'm not being an ungrateful child and this is by no means meant to hurt anyone's feelings. So if this isn't your kind of post, you can hit the ctrl W or the X on your top right corner. And if mom and dad you're reading this, you brought me to a country with the freedom of speech. So, here's me firing away. Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. But sometimes even you feel very "UGGHHHH" went it comes to people you love. If you've never had that feeling, then GOOD FOR YOU. 

So as most of you guys would know, I'm not the brightest student back in Malaysia. I was never a straight A's student. And it was just the way it is. And I guess I got the sense that my parent's were definitely not proud of it. Heck, even I wasn't proud of it. So anyways, to cut the story short, here I am now, doing fairly well. Leaps and bounds more better than before ( Thank you, Big Man up there <3 ). And I guess it might be because of my lack of social life, I honestly don't know and I honestly don't care. 

So about two days ago, I was freaking out beyond words of an Algebra test I had to take on Wednesday because I was clearly not prepared for it and I didn't know what I was doing. First time ever since I got here that Algebra made me cry. Anyways, I didn't even have the time to go for free period to seek the advice of my teacher before lunch break to confirm if what I did was right, because the questions on the review sheet she gave us had some funky equations. So obviously I wasn't even near prepared. So either ways, to cut the story even shorter, I sat for the test like some idiot, really. I was thinking to myself if I get a B I would be happy. And I just want my score up to a 90 something. 

So either ways, we got our scores back today and guess what? I scored a 100%.. Which to me, I've never gotten. Especially on a ridiculously challenging paper. And I'm currently at the top of my Algebra class. Which I was never ever close to ever. Milestone, I guess you can say. So obviously, I screenshot the results online and sent it to my family group chat. And previously I dropped a class and it's in the electronic grade book thing, so it's still there. And obviously since I'm not taking that class anymore the record just shows I failed it because of on going missing assignments to a class I clearly do not take anymore. 

So the first reply was, "Oh why is ELD English an F?" 

I kind of wonder of words like "good job!" "Congratulations" or even "keep it up" Exists in any Asian parents' mindset.

I know my previous F's were nothing to be proud of. But come on, a 100% on a test and a 98/100 for the whole grade is still not good enough? If that's not enough, then what is? I know I have like what 2 marks more to a perfect grade and I know regardless of the 98 I still have a lot to learn and improve on, but seriously though, I couldn't even be more discouraged. 

If this is not enough then I don't even know what is.

Get my frustration now? 

Bet you don't. 

All I have are rounds of applause for the amazing discouragement. I'm not expecting a party, or royalty treatment. But a simple acknowledgment would do.

OH BUT WAIT, IT DOESN'T EXIST!

Ha ha. 

Anyways, here's a contrast of frustration and then positivity. There was a great view this morning. And I shall share them with you 

Didn't mean to rant, but I had to. 

Have a great weekend!

Zoe

OOTD Sunday

I wouldn't consider myself a very fashionable person when it comes to following the seasons. But here's my ootd for today, and I think I did good on my Fall inspired outfit today, since it's not Summer anymore, and the weather has been getting colder! :) 

I also put together a video of outfits I have been alternating and wearing to school, or some outfits along that line, mixing and matching to try to coordinate with the season and the state of the weather :) 

The video includes the following and more : 

If you're interested, click the link below, if you aren't then don't bother! :D 

Summer to Fall Transition Outfits!

Have a great week ahead :) 

Zoe

Uncomfortable situations.

Here's my say on uncomfortable situations. If you feel uncomfortable, get the heck out of there. If it's not something you're comfortable with doing, seeing, saying, then don't do it. Walk away, really. Just pick up your things and walk away. That's my views on it. I do not see any reason as to why anyone should have to sit through uncomfortable situations in which you have a say in on whether or not you get to walk away. If you have a choice, use it. Get out of there. Draw the line, respect yourself enough to walk away from the things that makes you feel like crap. Because nobody has the say over who or what you should do. Sure to others it may look like you're running away. But seriously though, who's running away from who? Nobody's running away from anything. It's just decided to put themselves out of the misery or being uncomfortable in a crappy situation. Its that simple. So the next time you feel guilty for walking away and deciding to not put yourself in a horrible situation, don't feel bad. Be proud that you decided to feel comfortable rather than put yourself out there in uncomfortable situations that do not benefit you.

Respect yourself to walk away, guys. It's not wrong. :)

Zoe

Socializing.

I don't know if you guys have paid attention but the amount of posts that I'm generating lately has plummeted to at least 4 a week. This might be a result of my lack of social life. But putting thoughts into words has been my escape lately. I didn't have a bad day today, neither did I have a bad day yesterday or the day before. Except for the fact that it's getting colder. Might I add, I do not appreciate waking up to 7 degree Celsius and having to get out of bed. drag my butt to the bathroom and then drag my butt out of the door. 

I like my warmth. Like most Asians. I do love my warmth. But not the humidity. Anyways, putting that aside, I just really enjoy walking to school. It's a combination of three of my favorite things. 

1. Sunrises.

2. Morning Walks. 

3. Alone Time. 

I'm happy I get to have that every morning before I start the whole process of school. 

Anyways. my lack of social life and the lack of physical best friends has been excruciating. I survive. But it'd be nice for people to exist in the same timezone as be okay. But nevertheless things are great. 

Have a great day, guys!

Zoe

Hello!

Just let this sink in okay, we take a lot of people for granted in our life. Now I want you to take just a little while to think about just one person you know you have taken greatly for granted in you lifetime. Have you got that person in your thoughts? Yes? Good. 

Taking people for granted definitely goes in a circle. I take somebody for granted, that person takes another person for granted and the cycle goes on. I'm not saying it's a good thing. It isn't very nice to be taken for granted. And it certainly isn't a very good thing to take others for granted. Sure, there will be those people that you know you just won't click with, those who wants you more than you'll need them. It's a mean thing to say, but that is yet another cycle. But my point is, people are like puzzle pieces. Not every corner fits with one another. And that's okay. That's life. But taking people for granted is a different story. Rather, it's choosing to not make corners fit. Here are someways I think you can help yourself to not take others for granted. 

1. Stop, pause. 

Did you just act like that person didn't exist before your eyes? Why did you just do that? Did you just walk that person by, knowing of their existence? Come on, we all know what it feels like to feel invisible to the people we wish knew of our existence. If you don't know how that feels like, maybe you're lucky. But it doesn't give you the green card to take people for granted. Anyways, just stop. Just pause. I know sometimes life gets the worst of us. And we lash out, we don't say thank you, we're just brats sometimes. And we're human so that's okay. But just stop and pause. Just go up to that person, say hi. Be a good friend. 

2. Often say, "thank you."

Ever experienced what the simplest thank you can do to you? Yup, just like the impact on others to you, you can impact others too. Even for the simplest things really, show others that you acknowledge them. Being thankful for their existence, being grateful that they're in your life. Appreciate them for being who they are. One of my teacher's wrote me a note today and one of the lines said, "thank you for being you!" Just like every other person on Earth, we're all special. And don't you think it's so much better to just be appreciative of a person's existence, of their personality, that they're original? Rejoice in the fact that there's only one of them in the world. One and only. Just like you. 

3. Go out of the way for someone. 

I'm not saying to drop everything for someone all the time. I'm saying take a few minutes out of your day to just say hi to someone, or compliment them, or just catch up, or boost someone's day. Even a little gesture that takes less than a minute can make someone's day. And just like how you would smile and be delighted at a person's simple text, how do you think other's would react to yours? The little things are the big things, guys. Remember that. 

4. Smile. 

I know I don't do very well that this often. But I'm working on this. Smiling at others is one of the simplest ways you can make someone feel appreciated. Smiles are great bursts of positivity. It's technically all full of optimism and good vibes, guys. Spread the smiles, spread the optimism. 

5. Trust. 

This is crucial. This is the root of all things that relates to taking people for granted. When people trust you, it's important. It's just like people say, priceless. You can't put a price tag on trust, or love, or kindness. If you ever misplace that, you're never getting it back. Treat everyone with care. Treat everyone like they're important because they are. Treat them like you want to be treated. :) 

That's just a few of it guys. Nobody likes to be taken for granted. Make everyone you meet feel like they're worth it because they are worth it. 

Zoe

Fear

You know that sense of fear you get when you're afraid of losing something that you love doing because it has became something that you really just hate? That fear of it being completely intimidating to you, the fear of which it ends up tearing you down rather than build you up. Now I'm one of those who has had two of the things I really love to do taken away from me. I guess I don't have anyone else to blame for it but me, but this post isn't about pointing fingers. It's about the whole idea of having something you love to do, something you can lose yourself in, your personal escape.

So in the beginning of everything it used to be dance, and obviously that turned into a disaster. I miss it, but it's not meant to be anymore. Call me a pessimist, but there are times you need to draw the line between dreams and achievable goals. Or in this case, a line between what would make sense and what will not. Then there was music. That didn't turn out very well either. I remember the last day I really played the keys. It was the day I left home. I remember playing it for the last time, just a few minutes before we loaded our bags into the trunk of the car before we drove to the airport. I played my heart out. I cried while playing and that was the last time ever I expressed myself through music. 

So are you one of those people who has a passion for something but you don't know how to get started, or if you're trying to protect yourself from being intimidated by it, or having to risk another goodbye to something you love to do? Yes, welcome to the Zoe club. I like this whole writing thing. The blogging, the taking pictures, the writing, all complied into one. I do like it. Now actually being good at it isn't certain. But I like it. And for leisure wise, it doesn't matter if everyone else reads, or nobody reads at all. It doesn't matter if I suck at it, if nobody likes it, it doesn't matter. Because I like it and it's meant for leisure. For an escape. To build you up, make you fell better, not tear you down. 

For the longest time, I've been trying to blog. Ever since I was around 8 or 9, I started a blog. I remember my first blog. It was called "Flower Princess." Haha, what a name, right? It was one of the piano pieces I was learning at the time and it was the only thing I could come up with at the top of my mind. I am bad a giving names. Thus, Flower Princess. That blog was up for quite a while until I decided that my content was ridiculous, I was embarrassed at my 8 year old self. I had that on for years. I got my classmates which we were friends since pre-school to read them and we'd have a tiny chatbox beside my posts and we'll just leave a message every time they visited. Well, if you guys are reading this, thank you for being my first readers even when we were kids. 

Also for my first blog, my dad helped a lot in my blogging. Shocker huh? He didn't type it out for me, but he did help me get my blog set up, he did give me a lil bit of content, he basically guided me through it. Sometimes he was the one that kept it alive. Haha. I remember I had a post about a pot of purple violet flowers hoping to keep them alive and my dad helped me blog about them. In the end, the flowers died and so did the blog. 

Then came a few other failed blogs, there was a Tumblr blog that failed, two Wordpress ones that I ended up saying, "I'm so done with this.". Then I had another one called "Words to begin with" that one was another fail. It probably doesn't exist now. Then there's a recent one before this one. I was smarter, in a way. I wrote under a different name. I felt more free with that one. I wrote whatever regardless of who would read it, in this case, nobody would've. It was basically the most depressing posts anyone could think of. It was legit just pessimism everywhere on every post. I had that going for quite a while. I didn't delete it though, I'm pretty sure it's still up. But definitely for me to know but for you to find out. Haha 

Then when I landed in the United States, I decided that this wold be my summer project. But as you can see, I've been trying to take care of this blog with a lot of TLC (Tender Loving Care). I hope it's going well, and I hope that you guys like it. Anyways, continuing to my point. So a few of you guys have been encouraging me since a few years ago to venture in the writing area. One of my teachers supported me to send in an application for a newspaper's teen section thing. And I did, I got accepted, but I read the email far too late past the deadline to go any further. Haha. One of my friends too. He was very supportive of my writings. He always suggested I venture into it. 

But being the chicken that I am, because at that time I've just lost two of the things that I've enjoyed doing and I was so busy dwelling in my depression, I really did not believe in myself. Sincere apologies if you were the ones who encouraged me and believed in me but I turned you down. I just didn't believe in myself and had the mentality that I wasn't enough for anything. But anyways, writing comes to me easily. And there's this whole blogging thing that I seriously enjoy. But to be honest, I don't know if I should keep writing as a leisurely activity or actually make it something real. I write when I'm in all types of moods. It helps me sort out my thoughts. But the fear of making it something that you are obligated to do and not something you do for fun is scary don't you think?

There's this whole deal with college and deciding my major which I have to figure out in a month or so to set my mind on it. I want to be certain. I can't work without a plan. 

But anyways guys, this is me asking for feedback about the blog. Do you like it? Do you not? What's the turn off about it? What would you like to read about? Anything about it really. Good or bad, just shoot them because I want to know :) 

Have a great weekend!

Zoe

Random-ness.

Zoe

Top 9 Things Any Malaysian Would Understand When They Leave The Country.

This is to personal preference, good for you if you agree!

1. The Food.

This is regardless to what kind. It varies literally from Char Koay Teow to Mamak and bawah pokok Mee Goreng or Tom Yum mee or Popiah with Laksa or even the simplest thing as the Teh Tarik and the road side Roti Canai. Wherever you are outside of Malaysia, there will never ever be Malaysian food that tastes as close to the ones we have back home. Seriously.

2. Being able to unleash our full Malaysian. Lah, mah, meh, kans and all.

You know how we love our slangs, kan? Seriously kan, nobody else would understand. So the other day I was in Algebra and we had a group discussion and we had to solve a math equation. I was almost there and my tablemate asked me if I got it yet. Guess what I replied? "Wait ah. Wait ah. Sekejap". I did get my stares and fair share of explaining what it is. Hahaha. But putting that aside, nobody will understand your lah, ma, kah, meh, kua, aiyooooooo, wei, dei, mempersiasuikan anywhere else in the world.

3. You can speak English?????

Yeah, well, people have a very extremely hard time believing that one from a country like Malaysia can speak English. Well, sucks to be you if you were under the stupid impression that we Malaysians can't speak English. We sometimes know more than the ang mor kias!! Kidding. But it's getting really annoying when people speak to you with the impression like you speak no English. Heck, I speak English, Manglish, Rojak, Malay, a little bit of Chinese and definitely pretty good Hokkien.

4. Explaining why you don't speak Chinese.

I don't know about you, but I miss being in the country where people understand what it means to be a "banana". It's not that I don't speak Chinese, its just that I don't read or write the language. And just because you look Asian, people automatically think you're from China. Like pssshhhttt there shouldn't be anywhere else where Chinese exists expect for China, right? Then comes the Why do you not speak Chinese? How did you survive?" Err, well, where I'm from, you don't have to be able to speak Chinese to survive.

5. Explaining Malaysia.

This is hard. We obviously understand that we are three main races that are united as Satu Malaysia and we have our own language, but were also different in a way. It's hard to explain how were from Malaysia but we're Chinese. Or we're from. Malaysia but were Indian. Or even how we're Malaysian Chinese but we are also Christians. Stereotypically, when you're Chinese you speak Chinese, you're from China and you're most likely a Buddhist. Er, well people have such a hard time wrapping their minds around our amazing concept of life. It's too hard to explain.

6. The Weather

While it is fun to be somewhere colder and not have sweaty backs and pits everywhere you go, even when you first got out of the shower, it is very discouraging to wake up in the morning and it's so cold you need to start getting ready for school and face the cold. That isn't fun. But if it was something like wrapping yourself up in a blanket while it is cold, I am so game for that. While I don't miss the humidity back home, I miss the warmth, SOMETIMES. 

7. Malaysian drivers. Penang, in particular.

Watching Penang drivers are fun when you're in the back seat. But not when you're the one driving. Its fun watching your driver (perhaps your brother, or mom or even dad, or your friend?) Literally going "WTFFFFFF" when some idiot cuts lane abruptly and literally forgot their signals exist. Penang drivers are definitely a kind of its own. We cut lane, go above speed limit, most of the times even go super slow, we also have cars that produces super loud engine noises but can barely drive any faster than 40km/h, we beat the traffic light, tailgate, flash, honk and speed on the highways. But nevertheless, we know what we're doing.

8. School uniforms.

For those of you who think that school uniforms are a huge pain in the butt, trust me when I tell you that it is a lifesaver. For 2 months I've been struggling everyday on what to wear for school. On some days I'm super nice and on some I can easily feel like I'm wearing my pajamas to school and look super baggy. But I do miss school uniforms. They're easy and set out for you. It's a lifesaver. If Malaysia were to say that we could wear our own clothes to school, imagine all the hiao po's and the amount of time people spend in front of their closet just finding what to wear and then in return making everybody late for school.

9. Not smiling at random strangers.

If you currently live in a western country, maybe you would understand and maybe you won't. But the amount of strangers who instead of avoiding eye contact when you walk past each other, they smile or say "hello, how are you doing?". Back home if you did that, you would probably be some kind of weirdo. Technically we can be very friendly and nice or the complete opposite.

That's about it for now! :)

Zoe

Respecting others.

You know who I feel bad for? Teachers. They do the best things. They also have the best level of tolerance and patience. So I sat in three consecutive classes today, back to back where my classmates where total asses to their teachers. And to be honest I was annoyed. There were people trying to get work done. There were people doing their best in class. And there are also these asses who doesn't know how to shut up causing so much pauses and kinks in class which disrupts the lesson, makes us stay back a few minutes after class, it's so ridiculous. I don't understand how people can be such asses, affect others and feels no shred of guilt. 

It doesn't help that I have classes with the Freshmen and Sophomores. Some Juniors too. It doesn't help being in class with them. Sure they don't graduate in less than a years time, they have plenty of time to retake the class if they don't necessarily pass it, but I want to pass my class because all I get is one shot. I don't understand how people can be so inconsiderate. Teacher's are mean and strict because they have to. Not because the choose to. Because students somehow has pushed their buttons and show absolutely no reason to make teachers go a little easy on them.

Then you go on and complain and this teacher is full of shit, or that one doesn't know how to ease up. Ever thought of what you're doing instead that has caused it? Gosh, I swear people are so oblivious and such asses. Teachers are humans too. They certainly won't be the ones respecting you first if you don't give them a reason to see that you're worth respecting. But then again, some teachers are really kind enough. They care and they continue teaching. Heck, a lot of them still continues teaching after seeing that no one is paying attention. 

What happens though, after you have pushed them over the limit? Everyone has a limit. And we're lucky enough that teachers still care and finds reason to actually teach with love each day. I don't understand those kids who demands that they be respected but they're not showing a shred of respect. Not even the fact that apologizing or even just having the courtesy to just keep quiet. 

So yeah guys, remember : If you want to be respected, start respecting others. Because your actions doesn't just affect you, it causes an effect on others. 

Zoe   

Being Positive, Being Strong.

If you guys know me, you'd know that in the past few years that is one of the hardest things that I have struggled with. You'd also know that I am one of the most pessimistic person you'd ever meet, and you'd know that I'm not a very strong person. So you guys would know that even as a normal person, being positive is a very hard thing to keep up. I know I'm not the only one. There will be people who handles things better than others and there will be people who is affected more than others. But the whole point is that everybody goes through things and everybody has that point in life when they need to breakdown as well. But somehow, I know I've said this before. But people tends to forget the fact that we're human and it's more than okay to breakdown. Just don't stay down. 

Being here in the US, with the whole migration and getting used to a new place has been very good for me. I hate it, but it has been very good for me. It has taught me a lot about standing strong on my own and just being positive, setting a positive mindset towards almost everything. Don't get me wrong. I still do have crappy days and I let a lot of things get to me. But in comparison to before, this whole trip has been so beneficial to me. It has in a way forced me to be strong, keep my chin up and try even harder to have this amazing positive mindset. Because there is way too many things to be thankful for if we open up our eyes to them. If you're struggling to set a positive mindset, or to even see the great in anything, or if you're just having one of those bad days, it's okay. It's completely fine. But remember this though, 

1. How am I influencing people around me? The good way or the bad? If you're one of those who has bad days every once in a while, I'm pretty sure people would understand. But if you are like me, I used to have my bad days everyday. I would let it define me, I would let it control me, I would let it be me. And one day I just came to a point where I asked myself, what or who am I helping by being sad all the time? What good does it bring to anyone? How is it influencing anyone in the greatest way? None. No great influence. Just the kind where you let the world know that there's more things to sulk about than be thankful for. 

2. Is it easier to sulk about things?  Yes, to be honest it is. It is easier to find excuses to stay down and complain. It is easier. Because being positive is tiring. But it's worthwhile. If you told me to choose between putting the effort into being positive or sulk all day everyday and question the whole point of things 3 years ago, I would tell you that I would rather sit around depressed all day. Because what's the point? But if you asked me now, I would tell you that I would really like to have the best positive mindset as many hours as I can each day. I still give up easily, I still let things effect me. I still have bad days. I do. But I try my hardest to not let it get to me. And it is worthwhile. Because the thought to always keep in mind is the fact that every little things you do impacts someone in either the littlest day possible, or even in the biggest way. The words you use, the way you carry yourself, that positive outlook you have on life, people look up to that. You maybe completely unaware, but just like how the actions of others influences you, you're doing the same to others. 

3. If I don't help myself, who will? Now this, question. When you're in that phase, you sort of don't really care the least if anyone cares about you. If you're putting an effort to help yourself, or if anyone is helping you. But seriously though, even if you do have the best support system you can ever have, like I did, I have the bestest of friends who has helped me through my big and small hurdles, but the whole point is, you can have your whole family who has your back to help pull you up. But how are you going to stand if you don't put an effort into staying up when someone helps you out? Please care about helping yourself stand. Please do. Because people may give up on you, but if you don't give up on yourself, you're still one of the most strongest person alive. Remember that. Your biggest fan, your biggest lover, your strength and your self worth and the person who believes in you that makes the biggest impact in your life is you. Everything has to start from you. If you don't love yourself, you'll never learn to appreciate it when someone loves you. If you don't know your self worth, there's a high possibility that you're going to be mistreated by others and you don't even know it. 

4. Keep trying, keep going on. This is a tricky thing. Just like brushing your teeth before you go to bed or bathing everyday, it has become a habit your parents has taught you ever since you were a little kid. It has to be a habit. Just like this, you need to keep trying and keep going. Determination is important. Setting a positive mindset does not come naturally to me. In fact its something that I have to keep "practicing" each day. It's like a muscle I need to strengthen each day. It's like getting a six pack, but for my positive muscle. Setting this mindset comes with time and determination. Things are going to come your way, it's going to hit you in the face like a bus, it's going to try to tear you down, it's going to be a never ending battle of being positive in the hardest time. But it's something you need to keep on trying to keep up. If things are getting too overwhelming, sit back and breathe. It's okay to be a sulking sour plum for a few hours. 

5. Everybody is strong enough. By everybody I mean you too. I have had friends who just keeps the whole positive mindset going on and on and on. It's like so easy for them. And I let the whole "maybe they're just stronger. I just wasn't born that way." The one thing that people in this situation shouldn't do is make excuses for themselves. They shouldn't in anyways make excuses to not set this positive mindset for themselves. I used to make excuses for me. I used to just say others are stronger and they can do it. Good for them, I wish I had that. But I don't. So too bad for me. That was the mindset I had. And if that's you right now, snap out of it. Any further of this isn't very good at all. You are strong enough if you put your mind to it. I'm serious. Work on it. Keep your head high and just try you best. Trying your best is all that matters. But don't limit yourself. Don't limit yourself to "this is the best I can do. Sorry, self. I can't go any further." Heck no. You know you can. You know it. 

6. Don't let things define you.  What people call you, how people see you shouldn't be how you let yourself define you. I'm not saying that you should keep doing things that are unhealthy and then close off all advice. I'm saying, do all the good things and don't let criticism towards the good things define you. Keep doing the great things and let that define you. If you know your worth, if you know you're strong enough, if you believe it, it's going to be hard for anyone to tear you down. Being here for about 4 and a half months, I have spent a lot of time alone. And at the beginning I felt like the world is laughing at me because I look like the ultimate loner. And I hated that. But that was just my insecurities making fun of myself. There's a difference between looking alone and feeling alone. I look alone but I definitely don't feel alone. There is this sense of comfort in loneliness. Thus, not letting the little number of friends I have define me. Or even where I'm from, how I look. Those things shouldn't be made as a laughing stock substance to tear me down. 

I hope you guys have a wonderful week ahead. 

I uploaded a short but kind of long video about a few things I have learned ever since I've landed here in the US. This post is just a hugely elaborated one. Do check it out :) 

USA Bound! : Life Updates

^ Click on it, only if you want to. 

It's not easy to keep a positive mindset. I know that. But just try! Also remember that there are too many things in a day to be thankful for. So be positive, be grateful and be strong :) 

Thanks for reading!

Zoe

Conversations in 1st Period.

Hi world. So after finals for 1st period me and two other classmates sat down and had a conversation started. Well there has been questions regarding if I have gotten my Yearbook Picture done, if I ordered my Yearbook, if I handed in my Senior quotes, if I'm going for Homecoming or even the night rally on Wednesday. And to be extremely honest I do not intend to get a Yearbook or get my Yearbook picture done and there's not need for Senior quotes if I don't order a Yearbook. Why? Well I know nobody and I don't see the need to get something so expensive when I honestly barely know anyone. During our conversations though we came to a conclusion that with the education system here it's definitely hard to fit in and make good friends. They all said that even they don't have people in the school they can deem as a best friend because of the constant moving around and how everyone was from the same elementary school thus making it very hard to fit in. 

Which brings me to the Homecoming dance and game tomorrow. None of the school's events are even near meaningful if you're doing it alone. I guess in a way I might regret it sooner or later or maybe never because I plan to miss homecoming, but I guess I'd rather feel comfortable than put myself in the position where I'm uncomfortable. I guess that goes the same for every other events that the school has. In one way or another these 2 months has made me feel like this is only temporary. Because I'll be out of there in 8 months and nothing else is going to matter anymore except for the fact where I need to work hard for my grades. 

I guess it doesn't shock me that some of the people here who has been here for almost ever, doesn't feel like they belong. In a way it has made me realize that things like these happens everywhere regardless of how long you've been somewhere. But it does really make me really sad to see that there are a lot of people who still can't find a place where they belong. In a way I hate that this happens to people. Because having to feel like this doesn't make me feel any better that other's are feeling just the same. People these days to be extremely honest needs to be less oblivious and self centered. On Wednesday during lunch we had another conversation about how things are. People know a lot of the stereotypes that goes on. That people here are friendly and open-minded. But just as I said. It's just a stereotype mentality. There are too many things that people still need to open up their views to. 

There world doesn't have enough space for more self centered and oblivious people. People need to start caring and open their hearts to the fact that there are more things to care about than themselves and the screen before them. You can push hard to try to fit in. But if nobody creates room for you to be in their lives, no matter how hard you push into or break into it, you'll never fit in. I'm not blaming others for not being able to fit in. But in all honesty, this is what people are dealing with. 

Zoe

Lunch Writings

Hi world. Just a little update during lunch because I didn't really know what I wanted to do. I'm at that stage where I've studied as much as I could for the mid-terms and now my brain is jammed. So that's pretty amazing. So you know how there are different types of horrible days. Here's my take on two of it for now. 

1. The I really don't care.

This is when you couldn't be bothered if you failed your test, if you look horrible, if you've eaten, if you look fat, if your hair is too greasy or if you stay away in class. This are the best of all bad days to me. As I person I feel too much. Probably just too sensitive in a way I guess. But I enjoy the days where I'm immune to feelings. Even when things go wrong, it doesn't matter because how much better is it going to be? That's right, not any better. So the days when I don't care are the days where I couldn't be bothered if someone stubbed their toe, if I accidentally sliced myself which cutting an apple, if I went swimming after I just had a shower and I just washed my hair. All those little things becomes irrelevant and the bigger things just doesn't exist anymore. In someways on days like these I'm more confident and fearless. I couldn't be bothered if I was alone or in a group full of people, or if I'm surrounded by idiots. Regardless of the situation, when I have days like these, its a great reminder that things are going to take different twist and turns one day, perhaps maybe everyday until you get to the right track but regardless of which road I take I'm going to get through it. It doesn't matter what happens, I'm just capable of it all, even though I'm in a foul mood.

2. The I'm having a bad day but I'll try my best to cheer myself up day.

These are the days when you see me dress up. Its those days where you want to look presentable and look like an actual human being even though deep down things are pretty crap. The days when I look the worst are the best carefree days. Don't you agree? Haha. But anyways, days like these are the days when I look the nicest. Pretty sure I'm not the only one on this. :p these days are the bad days that you care about. Everything matters. Every little thing that gets screwed over makes me want yo scream my lungs out. These are the worst of all days. When things are bad, when you're tired but you still care. Its like trying to save something that has just fell off a cliff. That's what it feels like. It's like a camouflage. You look really good but inside you're raging. Haha. But like I said, we all have

our bad days and these are just a few of mine.

Here's to the whole week of exams and mid-terms.

Zoe

USA BOUND : San Francisco, San Mateo, Half moon Bay

Hello world! After having such a great weekend, I had a pretty foul Monday. So this is me blogging and rekindling about my weekend. 

So we decided to go to San Mateo for the weekend to visit my aunt and her family. We started driving at around 10 in the morning and made it there around fifteen past twelve. After settling down and having lunch we drove into San Francisco to the Ferry Building. 

On Sunday morning, we headed to Half Moon Bay as it was a pretty hot day and it deemed itself appropriate for the beach.

Jump shots! 

That was my weekend. 

Also guys, if you're interested, I filmed a vlog of my weekend as well. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4y5ooQ9UnVE

Watch it if you want to. It's my first, so bear with the shaky vids and the crappy music. I still have a lot to work on. 

Zoe

Thursday Nights

Ever had those nights where you just want company? Good, comforting and familiar company? Those who knows you and has accepted you for who you are, the ones you're fearless with, the ones that brings out the best parts of you, those who makes you a better person and most importantly the people who are completely okay with you being not okay. The ones who understands that you're human too and that people need other people. It's nice to have people physically around to remind you of that. The fact that its okay to not be okay. That's what I crave, what I yearn for and what I've been deprived of.

Fact of the matter is though, things are the way it is now. No amount of words is going to change anything or make things better in a heartbeat. But there are just those nights where all you need is a little comfort and familiarity, a little love and a little laughter. Things hasn't been easy. None of it has. Some days feels like a breeze. The others, not so much. Somehow somewhere I want to belong. I want a place to call home. I want a group of people who feels like family to me.

So its nights like these and mornings after where things get hard. Its hard to be alone. Although most of the time it's relatively very much easier to be isolated than feel out of place among groups of people. But yes, it is hard to be alone. It's tiring. Sometimes when you need a pillar to lean on or a strong wall to fall back on, as obvious as it is, there's none. That's the hardest part about it. Having to pull yourself together, alone. Having to keep your chin up high, having to be the only one to remind yourself that you're human and that its okay to fall and break once in a while without blaming yourself for being so weak. Its also hard to keep yourself from breaking down from time and time again.

Then there's the time when you sort of question the meaning of strength and the reason or purpose behind anything at all. The reason why you get out of bed, the reason why you still keep going. Where does all these strength come from? Because the last time I checked I had no purpose and no strength to keep on going. Nights like these are hard. Weeks of it hasn't been kind. It's not emptiness, it's just loneliness. I'm deprived of people that matters. I'm deprived of my own comfort, I'm in need of my pillars and walls that keeps me together when I'm falling apart. In need of support and the strength that I lack.

I know my emotional and mental strength has never been the best. I'm easily beaten down, I give up very easily and I'm one of the most pessimistic people I know. I stay down for weeks after getting hit by a wave of monsters and giants, get back up for days and stay down again. Sometimes I just wished that I could hit pause and everything goes away just for the littlest amount of time. Enough to breathe, enough to appreciate, enough to be thankful for. But most of all, I just need to breathe. I need to breathe, I need my comfort, I need the people, I need the company, I need that comfortable silence, I need the familiarity, I need the strength, I need normal.

Zoe