Thursday Nights

Ever had those nights where you just want company? Good, comforting and familiar company? Those who knows you and has accepted you for who you are, the ones you're fearless with, the ones that brings out the best parts of you, those who makes you a better person and most importantly the people who are completely okay with you being not okay. The ones who understands that you're human too and that people need other people. It's nice to have people physically around to remind you of that. The fact that its okay to not be okay. That's what I crave, what I yearn for and what I've been deprived of.

Fact of the matter is though, things are the way it is now. No amount of words is going to change anything or make things better in a heartbeat. But there are just those nights where all you need is a little comfort and familiarity, a little love and a little laughter. Things hasn't been easy. None of it has. Some days feels like a breeze. The others, not so much. Somehow somewhere I want to belong. I want a place to call home. I want a group of people who feels like family to me.

So its nights like these and mornings after where things get hard. Its hard to be alone. Although most of the time it's relatively very much easier to be isolated than feel out of place among groups of people. But yes, it is hard to be alone. It's tiring. Sometimes when you need a pillar to lean on or a strong wall to fall back on, as obvious as it is, there's none. That's the hardest part about it. Having to pull yourself together, alone. Having to keep your chin up high, having to be the only one to remind yourself that you're human and that its okay to fall and break once in a while without blaming yourself for being so weak. Its also hard to keep yourself from breaking down from time and time again.

Then there's the time when you sort of question the meaning of strength and the reason or purpose behind anything at all. The reason why you get out of bed, the reason why you still keep going. Where does all these strength come from? Because the last time I checked I had no purpose and no strength to keep on going. Nights like these are hard. Weeks of it hasn't been kind. It's not emptiness, it's just loneliness. I'm deprived of people that matters. I'm deprived of my own comfort, I'm in need of my pillars and walls that keeps me together when I'm falling apart. In need of support and the strength that I lack.

I know my emotional and mental strength has never been the best. I'm easily beaten down, I give up very easily and I'm one of the most pessimistic people I know. I stay down for weeks after getting hit by a wave of monsters and giants, get back up for days and stay down again. Sometimes I just wished that I could hit pause and everything goes away just for the littlest amount of time. Enough to breathe, enough to appreciate, enough to be thankful for. But most of all, I just need to breathe. I need to breathe, I need my comfort, I need the people, I need the company, I need that comfortable silence, I need the familiarity, I need the strength, I need normal.

Zoe