Loneliness.

There was an article that I read not too long ago that was talking about loneliness and one of the sentences in it really caught my eye. It said, "Because here's the thing about being lonely - it's not enough of a problem to warrant complaint. It is not perceived to be debilitating - you can still get up every morning when you're lonely, do a good job at work and be a healthy, productive member of society."  And I found that to be so true. 

To me, it has been something that I've been trying to sweep under the rug. Really, because there wasn't anything that I could do about it. With the fifteen hour difference, nobody is ever awake when I'm busy breaking down and balling my eyes out. Nobody is awake when I need them and you just end up coping with things by yourself. It's not a life or death issue, but at the same time it is. Sometimes I wish that I was better at this. I wish that I was strong enough, I wish that I didn't have to go through periods of loneliness where it gets so apparent to me that I feel like I'm not worth the company. It gets so apparent to me to the point where I convince myself that this is all I'll ever be. It becomes an insecurity, the fact that I'm alone. 

But at the same time, there's nothing anyone else can do. Neither is there anything that I can do. 

What do you do when you're lonely, depressed and insecure while trying not to sound like a whiney, childish, immature human being? 

New York : USABOUND!

I'm going to blog about New York when it's still fresh. Hehehehhe. So I flew out from Sacramento to San Francisco to catch a connecting flight that landed in Newark. There was a guy sitting next to me who carried on his Chihuahua with him. Which at one point, I was like thinking to myself, "is that even legal?" Well, apparently, it is. #learningnewthingseveryday 

Because of the time difference, when touched down, it was already late, there wasn't much I could do. The next morning however, I explored New Jersey. I went to this place called the Frelinghuysen Arboretum where every tree was either yellow, red or orange. FALL IS HERE! That's one thing about have extreme weathers I guess, you get to see extreme beauties as well. Where else in California, where we don't get rain, we don't get snow(NOT COMPLAINING) and so, we don't get extreme beauty because our temperature for Winter is the equivalent to the temperature for Autumn for the east coast. Anyways, pictures to show you what I mean by extreme beauty. By extreme beauty, it also means that it's everywhere. 

Also, I had Chipotle for lunch. MMMM MMMMM MMMMMM. 

Day 2 was New York 

We took the Subway to World Trade Center. We walked past ground zero and took a few pictures before we continued to walk towards Battery Park through Wall St. Then, we spent a few hours on Liberty Island before we visited Central Park and Times Square before we took the Subway back. New York is the most beautiful city I've seen. I guess I understand why people would rather go through the whole hustle and bustle in New York because when you walk out and see the beauty of the city it totally makes it worth it. Okay, pictures on the way.

Amazing timing when there was almost nobody there, except for the guy in black on the top left corner.

The view from ground zero.

I blend. 

View from the reservoir in Central Park. 

 And that infamous Time Square screen that takes your picture - spot me! 

The next day was filled with flights and now I'm safely home. 

I vlogged! So you can click here for a different feel of my trip.

Zoe

Self Discovery

Ever had those moments where you're like "wow, I'm that kind of person" (this of course relates to both good and bad self discoveries). I had this self discovery about myself just a few hours ago. 

I'm that girl who believes that she has to correct her mistakes

and redo what has been done to prove that I'm better than people think I am. 

In a lot of ways, I don't like the horror of  'past mistakes/shortcomings'. Which, I would say is a bad thing because people should learn to embrace who they were and what they did instead of denying that it happened. I'm that kind of person. The one who, if it's horrible then it really shouldn't have happened at all. If it's a lost friendship, then there should be no evidence of it existing. If I made a mistake, I'd better top it with something that is greater and better.

I always think that I have something to prove. But honestly, I'm still struggling as to who's approval I'm looking for. Others? Mine? or God's? 

Zoe

"I know", He said.

Lately, I'd have to admit that I've been doing better than before. Sure, there were the occasional "I don't want to go to college" moments. but I applied anyway because I knew that it was my only option. Then, there would be those nights when your head takes you on a trip down memory lane and you'd have trouble sleeping it off. But anyways, yesterday, was another setback moment regarding college application. Which really made me very very frustrated to the point where I just balled my eyes out. For a moment there, it felt like the rug that I was standing so firmly on was swept under my feet and before I knew it I was bust tumbling down in tears.

So, of course, the first thing I did was worry. Of course. Classic. Though, I'd have to admit that I was more frustrated and angry than I was worried. Lately, me and mom have been going to this Bible Study thing on Monday nights and we're studying the book of Revelations. We're at the part where Jesus sent his angels to John while he's in Patmos to write seven letters to the seven churches. And in each and every one of those letters Jesus starts of with, "I know". It's like a reassurance, but also something you should really keep in mind because He knows everything. He knows the things that you do, the things that you go through, your hardships and the things that are yet to come. And throughout my whole freak out session these two words were just stuck in my head. "I know, I know, I know". And in the letters written to the seven churches he specifically listed out that he know the struggles as churches and individuals and John's message was written specifically to the needs of each of the seven churches. In return, imagine the amount of words written in the Bible were catered specifically for you. 

The one that was in my head when I was in the shower was, 

Matthew 6:34 

So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

I'll get the situation figured out one way or another. Things don't turn out the way you want it because most of the times, what you want isn't what He has in store for you. 

Zoe

Still Madly In Love

Aside from my love for notebooks, writing, doodling, painting and doing absolutely nothing, ballet is still a very very big part of me. I guess once you go ballerina, you never go back. I guess if you used to dance, you'd know what I mean when I say that daily works and actions have a little dance incorporated in it. So this is me dedicating my huge huge mad love for my pointe shoes that I literally saved up and spent RM330 for. 

Zoe

2:09AM

I've never really been one of those people in school who mattered a lot. Sure, I did a lot of things in school and I was always involved with activities out of classes like photography, performing, prefect duties, secretary of a club duties and everything but scoring A in my classes. But even through all of that, I wasn't the first thought in everyone's mind when they needed someone or something. I'm not wallowing in self pity. But you guys know the person I'm talking about. That one person who almost always pops into your mind when you need a favor or if you're really just thinking of someone. It's that person that will be talked about years and years after school is behind you, the person you'll sometimes wonder about when you stare into space. Thing is, I've always waned to be that person. I've always wanted to make a bigger impact on people. I've always wanted to be social, I've always wanted that attraction that most people have that I don't. Instead, I'm actually very unapproachable. I'm the one who prefers hanging out in the library when she goes to a new school, the one who likes sitting alone at empty tables and the one who acts like she has a lot to do instead of making friends.

Now, if you know me, or if you're still in my life then you would know that each and every single one of my friendship didn't start from me approaching you first. I guess that's really selfish of me? But I guess, yet again, if you know me, friendships are effortless and if it's meant to be, it'll happen. I'm pretty sure that's exactly why I do not have a lot of friends. But, there's always a but. But, I'm thankful for the small number of friendships that I have that means so much to me, no big enough number can put a cap on it. Sometimes, I do wish I could do it all over again and be someone who matter. I do wish that I didn't have to move and maybe, just maybe I'd have people I can physically run to when I need some support. But instead, I'm stuck with a five inch touch screen and internet and a messaging app with a very challenging thing called different time zones. I often find myself typing up a whole ranty message to one of my bestfriends and deleting it moments after without hitting the send button because I know that when they wake up and read it, I'll be asleep and by the time I wake up, it really won't matter as much anymore. It won't matter as much anymore because all I really want is people to go through life with me as it happens and there's no use to talk about things that upsets me the day after. Well, that's what I say. But look at me, it clearly does upset me or I really wouldn't be up at 2:23AM not being able to sleep and typing this whole ranty blog post.

At the same time, I feel like it's the same for them. Except that two of them are still home and one of them has found herself somewhat settled. Truth be told, I am not settled. My heart is still very well packed up and ready to go home. That's another big word. Home. It has been 478 days, which makes one year, three months and twenty days since I've packed up and left home. You'd think that by now I'd be settled and have a life. But honestly, I have never felt more out of place than I've ever been. Why? Because right now, it's way to long since to still declare, "I moved here not too long ago". It's been too long for it to matter, it's basically old news. People basically assume that I'm settled and I have it all figured out. But honestly, I don't have anything figured out. I just want it all back. Yet, the things I want back wouldn't want me back. Actually, I don't even want to talk about the fact that I came from somewhere else other than here because there's just too much to talk about and most of it doesn't really matter. Nobody gives two thoughts about where you're from and what it's like. I don't even know which place is home anymore because I really don't feel like I belong anywhere. They say don't settle for second best. That's all I can settle for right now.

I keep wanting to be like everybody else because it feels like there's no place in the world for me and then at the same time I have this voice in my head telling me that I'm great the way I am. But after that, I get upset for not being as pretty as her and how my pictures that I take is not as great as his, my body isn't skinny enough like hers and how I cannot sing like her and how my personality is not as great and how I wish I mattered more. I get so busy wanting the things that I shouldn't be wanting and trying to be the wrong person when I should really be me. Well, a little encouragement would do. I know I'm approaching a new chapter in my life and it's really time for me to fess up and act my age, or maybe even more mature than my age. All I've ever wanted for someone to say, "you're doing great" or, "you'll do fine" and for me to actually believe it. I know that nobody gets it easy in this world and nobody gets the "encouragement" that they yearn because we're all alone in this big, cruel, lonely world. I know that me being in such a mess right now is so 14 year old me.

Everybody needs somebody. Maybe I'm just not that somebody that everyone needs.

LA and Ed Sheeran - June

It just occurred to me that I never blogged about LA and Ed Sheeran in June. Well, I am here to do just that. I guess I'll just let the photos do the talking.

In San Francisco, we had a little treat called, "CREAM" which really stands for cookies rule everything around me. It's essentially a pick your own cookie and ice cream flavour to create your own combination of quirky flavours that actually go really well together. I'd definitely go back.

It started off from San Francisco, we started driving to Santa Ynez and stopping at Monterey Bay for an hour for lunch.

Monterey Bay, everybodeeehhhh. This tree though, was a really great place for a family photo shoot. 

After being on the road for hours, we stopped by this really cute Danish town called Solvang which was 15 minutes away from our hotel in Santa Ynez. That night we had McDonald's for dinner and watched Jurassic World for a midnight movie. Our hotel was right next to this tiny cinema which was so cool.

The next morning, we drove and stopped by in Santa Barbara for a bit before we hit the road again for Los Angeles, the city of angels. 

That evening itself, we hit the pier of Santa Monica. I would say it is one of my favourite places I have ever been to. The amount of people there could really reduce a little, if I were to be honest. I don't do well with crowds. But for Santa Monica, I'd do it all over again. 

The next day, was Hollywood. Did not enjoy Hollywood. But I'm glad to say I've been there and done that.

In Beverly Hills we had the most amazing green tea crepe with nutella and vanilla ice cream. Holy moley. It was amazing. 

Before the brother and I got on a plane back to San Francisco, we headed to this place got Urth Cafe for brunch. BOY WAS IT AMAZING.

We went back to Santa Monica beach for a little picnic before we were sent to LAX to part ways.

En route : San Francisco!

The next morning, we were stuck in a very bad traffic jam on the way to Berkeley to see Ed Sheeran. In terms of city, I prefer San Francisco than LA. 

It was lovely to have Rixton open for us at Berkeley, I appreciate artists who can perform as well as they are on record. Ed Sheeran was needless to say, the best I've ever heard. I have no words. 

And that was LA and Ed Sheeran in June.