I know.

I know that it is wrong to feel out of place. I know that it isn't right to be feeling like total crap when I've been given the opportunity to fly across the world to start over. I know that it is really really wrong to feel like I want comfort than to stick it up and just be thankful. I am thankful for this. But then it makes me question if I was really thankful for it then should I be really happy? To be honest, being thankful isn't being happy. It's not the same thing. I'm not being ungrateful for the amount opportunities that God has given me and for my parents too, really for being so brave and putting our needs first. But I am upset. I am upset that I had to leave, I'm upset that I'm yanked out of my comfort zone. I'm gutted that friendships aren't the same as before. I'm annoyed that while everyone has graduated, here I am striving for the last two and a half weeks of the semester before I have to START ALL OVER AGAIN FOR 5 MONTHS. So yes, it is hard.

While everyone sees the pictures of my little adventures and fallen leaves. me bundled up in jackets and being in a climate that allows me to wear boots, pictures of cities and other people and more places and what not. They don't understand how hard it has been to be here. While I tell people that my lack of social life has been beneficial to me and I'm okay with it because I'm an introvert, I still need people. And that is very hard for me to admit. So yes, this amazing opportunity is a double edged sword. It hasn't been easy. It has been more of a sweeping the troubles under the carpet and pretend it's not there. I know I shouldn't allow myself to complain and be so sad and upset because I should consider myself extremely blessed. Well yes, I do admit I'm blessed.

But still. I'm only human. And humans feel. They feel lonely, they feel disappointment, they worry, they have bad days, They have days where they just sit and breakdown and wonder where the hell are they going to go from here and what are they supposed to do now. And all of that is me. What's me is also the fact that I have learned to see the good in things. I've been a more positive person, I've been stronger, more independent. Perhaps even more isolated. But yes, I am all those things.

It gets really hard sometimes. Well, most of the time. Dealing with a different kind of loneliness that I'm used to is really something. The loneliness that I am used to is the one where you feel that you're not good enough for everyone and they're just driven away by my depression. It's something that my mind makes me think. But in actual fact I have a heck load of people there for me. This kind of loneliness is having no one. It's being in different time zones, it's not having close friends, it's being a stranger. It's being the Asian girl, it's being that girl from God knows where. It's the kind that makes you feel like everybody's boat has sailed but leaving you at the docks. Because you're the one who decided to stay while everyone is moving on. While I know I'm not going to hold anyone down and people are going to move on with their life, being in a new place with people you do not know is really a battle.

While I long to belong and long to be comfortable, I stopped allowing myself the pleasure of doing so because leaving hurts. Being left behind hurts. Being the one leaving hurts. There will be more friendships whose doors will close more than they'll stay open. And somehow I need to find a way to suck it up and deal with it. As much as I've tried, to say hi and to make excuses for the absence of replies, I've simply given up. I know friendship takes work. But you can't really fix something when it's already not meant to be fixed. Just like one of my best friends told me, "lets not try too hard to make out friendship work, okay?" she told me not to get offended. But I understood her right on. Friendships just work out. With effort, yes. But those efforts feels so effortless, it doesn't look like there's any effort put in at all. I told myself not to put myself in situations where I'm uncomfortable or in situations where I feel like stabbing myself in. And I've just decided that I'm not going to be the one hanging around hoping for friendships to work. I'm one of those who does and want something when every single ounce of effort is put into it. Nothing is worth it if you don't put your best foot forward.

Sorry for the super long mood killer. I don't even know if anybody reads all this crap. Just needed a space to rant. So there you go guys. Thanks for reading, even if you scrolled through.

I'm pretty sure a few months down the road, future Zoe would be re reading all of these and I'll be like, "you stupid girl. Ranted for nothing."


Byes.

USA Bound! : Thanksgiving

Hi world! Back to reality again the day after tomorrow. It has been a good break. So for Thanksgiving, the family and I headed down to San Mateo to visit my aunt and uncle and our two cousins. It was really really great. We had a great meal, a lot of board game time. 

So it starts off with the classic car shot. It was a little bit more than a two hours trip to San Mateo from Sacramento. A lot of plugged in earphones and blasting music session. 

We also have this one stretch of roads where it's just mountains and blue skies. It's pure perfection, really. 

Yep, Manicure shot, why not?

Bay Bridge overlooking San Francisco. I always love this view when we get there. Somehow I just have a soft spot for skyscrapers from a far. 

Turkey Day you guys, Turkey Day! 

So apparently turkey makes people sleepy. I don't know how true that was, but I surely did crash for 4 hours right after we played some Foosball and The Settlers of Catan.  

Sibling Rivalry! 

"A wheat, a sheep for a brick???" "NAAAHHHH"

The next day we went for Dim Sum. I honestly feel Chinese people are in general very rude. I may know a little bit of Cantonese, but I did not appreciate your tone, lady. Anyways, after that we went to Costco, I got myself some fluffy socks! After that, I had the privilege of taking family portraits for two families. Quite a different experience I might say. The first family I was a little hesitant. Naturally I just put a lot of pressure on myself I guess. Always want things to be perfect. But I loosened up for the second family and I'm pretty happy it kind of turned out alright. Although, it's time to return the good for nothing lopsided tripod. At night we decided to head out to Union Square because the lights were coming on that night. We took the train from Daly City to Powell Street. Another experience. Then when we popped into UniQlo which had rainbow stairs because the whole store was four stories high. Insane. Only then we headed to Union Square but then it started to rain pretty lightly. 

All dressed up and shiz for the weather                       Then there's me with my train ticket.

 which in the end wasn't even cold. 

What a bummer really. 

UniQlo stairs I was talking about earlier. It was very hard to walk up and down the steps because of the lights. I wonder why they didn't build an escalator since their store is already four stories high. 

Just like I expected, the city is very very packed. More people than I've seen in school in total during passing period. But it's nice to be in the crowd. SOMETIMES. Only SOMETIMES. I am not a crowd person. But I made an exception for Friday night. It's called travelling. I would say yes to it any day even though I've had a crappy day.

The famous lit up Christmas tree in focus and in Bokeh form. 

Of course, the posey posey with the tree. I honestly am frustrated because everyone gets great photos when I take it for them. But as always, the photographer never gets good photos of themselves because nobody else is going to take it for them. 

The brother and mother and I. 

And that ladies and gents, has been my short trip down to San Mateo for Thanksgiving. 

BTW, my room is Christmas-fied.

Not the best quality. But this is comfort to me. It's not a room of Zoe's if it isn't lit up with these lights. Trust me you guys, this and Ed Sheeran playing is comfort. My comfort zone level has just skyrocketed. 

That was my Thanksgiving weekend. :) 

Hope you guys had a great weekend and a great week ahead

Zoe

Feeling Emotional

Hi world, another one of those nights. I'm not sad. I just miss a lot of things. And there's the whole issue of why do we even try. No, actually the right question is "why bother trying?" Its not like I didn't try. I did. Several times. And then as humans, or just as nice people or maybe sympathetic or sensitive maybe we just decide that no, it's all our fault. That because we are friends with a person, or we treasure that person, they are perfect. And it's always your fault that things don't turn out right. Maybe its also my fault for expecting so much of them. Ever had those friends you ALWAYS make excuses for? You'd know what I'm talking about. If you don't, its either everyone around you is making excuses for you, or you're just really good at turning off your emotions. Because really, I'm so tired of hoping and having that thought in me or even that little shred of compassion for those around me who doesn't understand how important that is. And the best part is sometimes those who doesn't appreciate it are the ones who complains about how they are always mistreated. Kinda shows how you reap what you sow. The thing is though, I'll continue to make excuses for those around me. Like the reason why my friends are not being friends, oh because I'm the one who left. Maybe the reason why people grow distant, oh no worries, it's been distant from the start and it's my fault for being such an introvert.

The people we make excuses for are the ones who deserves it the least. Like during a conversation, someone says something offensive, I keep quiet. I make excuses for them. Like oh, maybe they didn't mean it. But then a few days down the road, a few thousand other conversations, they continue to offend me and I continue to make excuses for them. Why? Is it just my way of showing that I care? Because if it is, it is a very crappy way to show it. I make excuses for everyone. The reason why they're not there, the reason why things are distant, the reason why they offended me, the reason why their priorities changed, this and that, I make excuses for their wrong doings because I care. And I guess the hardest part is doing it unconsciously only to feel completely hurt. But the harder part of it is them never knowing what you've been doing for them. But that's love, right? That's caring, that's friendship, right? But then again its probably my fault for being a chicken and saying nothing in the first place.

Caring is hard. Being a friend is hard. But what's even harder is being so weak that you actually need people. I don't like running to people for help. Because the feeling of needing people are one of the most painful feelings I've ever encountered. It's like stabbing yourself continually for being so weak that you need to ask someone for help. Or even just the fact that you need someone to listen. It isn't because they aren't good enough to run to for help. They are more than good enough. People ask me why I don't open up. The fact is though, opening up makes me vulnerable. Needing help and support makes me vulnerable. I'm not trying to be isolated. But letting people in has caused more pain than trying to hold the fort down myself. The worst part of needing someone is making others feel helpless. Why trouble someone with your baggage when you can't even handle yourself? And why trouble others when they can't help you?

I'm done rambling. Sorry for such negativity tonight. I just needed to rant after a whole month of compressed feelings. I promise you an amazing Thanksgiving weekend update soon! :) Be prepared!!!

Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Turkey Day!!!

I'll be back with a more uplifting post super duper soon. Hold on tight you guys!

Much love,

Zoe

Hamid Khan's 5SN1, Class of 2014.

This is dedicated to you guys, 5SN1. Being in the same class for two years has been spectacular. There were some we knew longer than others and some we grew to accept into our little family. What's nice about our class is that, we may have little groups of our own, but together we're always a family. We've made different memories in our own little groups and also together. To me, I adore my eating group. We ate in class, pontenged like crazy. While some others maybe has had good memories watching a movie on their phones in the back seat while the teachers are teaching.

While I haven't been around for the past 5 months, I would say nothing has changed for you guys. But I'm guessing everyone did step up their game and study more. Anyways you guys, congratulations on graduating and overcoming that huge hurdle we have prepared ourselves for since the beginning of standard one to UPSR, to entering high school to PMR, which at that time felt like a nightmare, to choosing which streams you are going to head into after that and now to SPM. You guys are warriors for pushing through!

Now onto the next battle you guys. Keep your chin up, heads strong and hearts prepared, always. Be humble and never give up. Believe in yourself for you guys can do great things. Even if you have nothing figured out right now, don't look down on yourself or worry. You'll do amazing in all that you do if you put your mind to it. All of you have played a role in my life. Big or small, for a short or a long or a forever moment in my life, I'm grateful for everyone of you. I guess this isn't something that people goes around saying because I guess we just aren't an expressive culture. Haha, but yes you guys, just like everyone else, I'll miss school too. I'll miss this class and all your quirky insane ways. Ordinary is boring. That's why were insanely different!

5SN1, class of 2014, you guys are amazing and you did it! Congratulations :)

Much love,

Zoe.

Free Period Writings

Hi world, it has been a while since I've last posted. Aside from the previous post. I wouldn't really consider that a post. Anyways, I guess I would say things has been getting better lately. It's not exactly perfect, but it is good. I love the weather lately. It is just nice for my liking. Not forgetting how it seems to be raining a lot lately! I will include my pictures of the week when I get home. But words are all I can do for now when I'm in the school's library typing out a blog post. 

It's the day before everyone goes on break for Thanksgiving and when we come back from break there's probably only going to be about 2-3 weeks left until the end of the semester. This is so exciting but everything seems to be moving really really fast. It only felt like a week ago where I started school and I was a complete loner and a newbie at everything there is to know about schooling in the US. 

I won't say that I know everything already, but I went from a failing student to one who is getting all A's, I'm not really a loner anymore. I learned a heck load of life lessons and I finally know what it means to have self-confidence. I've also met countless amount of dulan people and kiam pak people, I've made a few good friends, a few good hi and bye people and I really like my teachers. 

This whole week has been great. The sun is setting earlier, the sky is getting gloomier (exactly my kind of weather! :D ) and keeping up with studies has been easy because of my lack of social life. Which to be honest is pretty relieving. But lately I also have felt the feeling of withdrawal from my friends back home. I guess it is normal when you are seriously halfway across the world and the only way to communicate with the ones back home is with a mere small 4.5 inch touch screen. Which I would say I am lucky to have.

But you cannot deny that sense of emptiness when they really aren't physically there. Or I should say that when I'm not there because I was the one who left in the first place? I guess I have this habit of withdrawing from others very easily. And that is a extremely bad habit of mine, just to switch everything of and go into isolation. It's bad you guys. But sometimes to me, loneliness is my comfort. I don't know about you guys. But things like walking home and to school is therapeutic and doing a lot of things by myself seems to be a very nice stress reliever for me. 

Maybe I put myself into the whole lonely state. I wouldn't know. But I guess it could be true. And it isn't like I don't communicate. I just have my introvert moments where I need to unwind and literally do nothing. I guess really there's also the whole issue of my personality where I would never give you anything if you don't deserve it, even if you begged. I guess I really am that sort of person. This whole week has made me realize that. 

This whole week has been a good week to self-reflect. And I'm really really grateful that things has been getting better lately and I've been having more better weeks than horrifying one. 

:)

Here's my recap of the week!

Just me expressing my love for ombre braids

IT RAINED :) 

Then things got really really foggy

This is my showing off the Autumn leaves when my friend in Michigan is covered in snow (you'll see in a minute!)

SUPER EXCITED when my Typo planner arrived in the mail! I simply adore this one. If you're interested, head on over to their website here > Typo
I am a huge planner freak. I've had 2 from starbucks in 2011, 2012 and 2013. I got the Typo one in 2014 and now in 2015 :) journaling saves me from not going super crazy hahah.

Have I mentioned how much I adore night drives? There's nothing amazing about night drives more than endless vague lights you see every once in a while. It's extremely therapeutic. To me, anyway.

Journaling would be an every Saturday morning thing for me. Mmmm.

LOOK YOU GUYS! More LEAVES! I adore fall colors :)

This was on Wednesday. 

More leaves in California.

WHILE IT'S BUSY SNOWING IN MICHIGAN! Hahaha both these pictures' credits goes to my friend. It looks really pretty. So good job :D

This was yesterday when it rained, yet again. I really love rainy days AND walking home from school in the rain. <3

This was today because the weather isn't very cold today, I decided to whip out my LBD (little black dress) and pair it with boots and a cardigan :)

AND Thanksgiving break starts today WOOOOHOOOOO

Things do get better you guys. 

Have a great weekend ahead!

Zoe

Problems With Being A Malaysian.

Are you Asian?

Oh no, definitely not. I just look Chinese. Just a disguise. I'm actually from, oh I don't know, from Romania. I just really look Chinese. WELL YES OF COURSE I'M ASIAN. 

Wait, you're Chinese? 

Naaahhhhhh. This is just an optical illusion. 

So, if you're Chinese you're from China???

OH YES, DEFINITELY. ONLY CHINESE COMES FROM CHINA. 

Huh? Malaysia? Why are you Chinese then?

Er, I DON'T KNOW, Did I have a choice? And yes, Malaysia, look it up! It isn't like if I tell you I was a Malaysian you would get it anyway, right. You don't even know it exists! 

Waaaaaiiiiitttt. So if you're Chinese, how are you a Malaysian?

Oh my Goddddddd, That's like asking why do apples grow on trees and why the grass is green. Or maybe it's like asking, "if you're an American, why aren't you a Christian?" Offended? Or, oh since you live in America why are you Mexican. Offended? 

Hooolllddd Up! If you're from Malaysia, how can you speak English?

HMMMMMMMM. If you're British why do you speak French? If you're American, why do you speak Spanish? If you're Italian why do you speak English? 

Hey so if you're Asian, are you like smart? 

I DON'T KNOW DO I LOOK DUMB TO YOU? Geez. 

Wait, is Malaysia even a country?

WALAO EHHHHHHHHHHH Sien si lo. 

Does it snow in Malaysia? 

If you knew which part of the world it was in, YOU WOULD KNOW IF IT SNOWED. 

Why don't you have a funny accent?

OH WAIIII SO YOU CAN MAKE FUN OF ME????? walaaaaaaoooooooo 

Is Asia a country? 

WELL IS EUROPE A COUNTRY 

So why do they call it Malaysia? 

WHY DO THEY CALL IT EARTH.

FIVE MONTHS OF THIS, YOU GUYS. 

FIVE.CONTINUOUS.MONTHS.OF.THIS. 

Walao. 

 Zoe

USA BOUND! : First Concert Experience

So yesterday God reminded me of how blessed I am. While I'm writing this blog post with sniffles and a headache and the potential of getting sick for the first time in the US and making a whole lot of typos today, I'm going to get through this post because its worth sharing. Also you guys, this is my first ever concert I've been to. 

Note : my pictures were taken with my phone, so it probably isn't the best. But what's a Zoe blog post without pictures?

So it started of with the prettiest views while driving to Sleep Train Arena. Yesterday was one of the most beautiful sights I've ever seen, to be honest. Here's a few shots I took from the backseat. 

So initially when we got to Sleep Train Arena for Winter Jam, the queue was so long it surrounded the arena. Which is insane, really. But despite that, people still lined up calmly and unlike what we have in Malaysia, there was no cutting queues, complaining or even shoving and pushing around. That was super surprising to me, really. Being in a country for 17 years that had people who broke down the shutters of McDonald's just so they could get the Despicable Me's Minion toys that came with Happy Meals and the countless amount of honking and shoving, I was surprised. Anyways, there was about apparently more than fifteen thousand people there ( I honestly don't know how I managed to be in a fifteen thousand people crowd and not freak out. Thanks Justin for following me! :P )  and 3/4 through queuing, they reached maximum capacity and had to turn down more than two thousand people. But regardless of that, God definitely blessed us three, my brother, Ps. Mark and me and we got in. 

Also, big thumbs up to Mr. Roy Morgan for getting us in! 

We obviously got in a little late, and the below picture I believe was when Colton Dixon was playing. 

Look at that amount of people though. How did I not freak out?!

Then we heard from a few other artists like Jeremy Camp, Francesca Battistelli. Disciple, and a few others. I was most excited for Hillsong United though. :P 

Link for Winter Jam website will be inserted here.

This picture above was when Francesca Battistelli was playing. 

I did not have any pictures of when Hillsong was playing because I was in deep need of a worship session. Hahah but nevertheless, I got through the amount of fifteen thousand people without freaking out and was reminded yet again of how blessed I am. 

Have a great week ahead peeps! :) 

Zoe