I know.

I know that it is wrong to feel out of place. I know that it isn't right to be feeling like total crap when I've been given the opportunity to fly across the world to start over. I know that it is really really wrong to feel like I want comfort than to stick it up and just be thankful. I am thankful for this. But then it makes me question if I was really thankful for it then should I be really happy? To be honest, being thankful isn't being happy. It's not the same thing. I'm not being ungrateful for the amount opportunities that God has given me and for my parents too, really for being so brave and putting our needs first. But I am upset. I am upset that I had to leave, I'm upset that I'm yanked out of my comfort zone. I'm gutted that friendships aren't the same as before. I'm annoyed that while everyone has graduated, here I am striving for the last two and a half weeks of the semester before I have to START ALL OVER AGAIN FOR 5 MONTHS. So yes, it is hard.

While everyone sees the pictures of my little adventures and fallen leaves. me bundled up in jackets and being in a climate that allows me to wear boots, pictures of cities and other people and more places and what not. They don't understand how hard it has been to be here. While I tell people that my lack of social life has been beneficial to me and I'm okay with it because I'm an introvert, I still need people. And that is very hard for me to admit. So yes, this amazing opportunity is a double edged sword. It hasn't been easy. It has been more of a sweeping the troubles under the carpet and pretend it's not there. I know I shouldn't allow myself to complain and be so sad and upset because I should consider myself extremely blessed. Well yes, I do admit I'm blessed.

But still. I'm only human. And humans feel. They feel lonely, they feel disappointment, they worry, they have bad days, They have days where they just sit and breakdown and wonder where the hell are they going to go from here and what are they supposed to do now. And all of that is me. What's me is also the fact that I have learned to see the good in things. I've been a more positive person, I've been stronger, more independent. Perhaps even more isolated. But yes, I am all those things.

It gets really hard sometimes. Well, most of the time. Dealing with a different kind of loneliness that I'm used to is really something. The loneliness that I am used to is the one where you feel that you're not good enough for everyone and they're just driven away by my depression. It's something that my mind makes me think. But in actual fact I have a heck load of people there for me. This kind of loneliness is having no one. It's being in different time zones, it's not having close friends, it's being a stranger. It's being the Asian girl, it's being that girl from God knows where. It's the kind that makes you feel like everybody's boat has sailed but leaving you at the docks. Because you're the one who decided to stay while everyone is moving on. While I know I'm not going to hold anyone down and people are going to move on with their life, being in a new place with people you do not know is really a battle.

While I long to belong and long to be comfortable, I stopped allowing myself the pleasure of doing so because leaving hurts. Being left behind hurts. Being the one leaving hurts. There will be more friendships whose doors will close more than they'll stay open. And somehow I need to find a way to suck it up and deal with it. As much as I've tried, to say hi and to make excuses for the absence of replies, I've simply given up. I know friendship takes work. But you can't really fix something when it's already not meant to be fixed. Just like one of my best friends told me, "lets not try too hard to make out friendship work, okay?" she told me not to get offended. But I understood her right on. Friendships just work out. With effort, yes. But those efforts feels so effortless, it doesn't look like there's any effort put in at all. I told myself not to put myself in situations where I'm uncomfortable or in situations where I feel like stabbing myself in. And I've just decided that I'm not going to be the one hanging around hoping for friendships to work. I'm one of those who does and want something when every single ounce of effort is put into it. Nothing is worth it if you don't put your best foot forward.

Sorry for the super long mood killer. I don't even know if anybody reads all this crap. Just needed a space to rant. So there you go guys. Thanks for reading, even if you scrolled through.

I'm pretty sure a few months down the road, future Zoe would be re reading all of these and I'll be like, "you stupid girl. Ranted for nothing."


Byes.