Hello world! Sorry for the one week hiatus. I really just haven't found the time to update. But here I am now. Let me tell you about the story of a girl. And that girl, is me, So a few days ago, I hit the 5 months since I've been here mark and to be honest, I've had two weeks in a row where things weren't bad. I had bad days, but I didn't feel terrible. I didn't hate the world. Everything went pretty fine. I'm fitting in better, I feel somewhat belonged, I feel comfortable. So with my lack of free time lately I also haven't been journal-ing or doodling. So just about an hour ago after coming home from cell group I decided to pull it out. Because I have so many things to be thankful about that my future self would like to be reminded of. So here I was, jotting down all the things that I am thankful for and what not. And I came across the very first page. Ever since I fell into depression and became this zombie that even myself didn't recognize, in the beginning of 2014, just like everybody does, I wrote myself this new years resolution. But the difference was I wrote things that I knew I needed to do, and the things that I'm going to succeed in. To my surprise, I followed it. Here's a picture of it :
I guess you can say that my New Year's resolution was more of a reminder than a resolution. But regardless though, this piece of paper helped me stay on track. I was in a seriously dark place. And sitting here now, I still remember how much I thought the whole migration thing was just really going to screw me over. But it really hasn't. I'll get back to that in a second. Apart from my resolution, I also decided to use my doodling skills to try to put encouraging things in my journal.
So essentially you guys, I was in a bad place. I didn't know my self worth, I hated myself. I loathed myself every chance I had, I let my imperfections and insecurity get to me in all the worst ways. And I made it a point for myself to love myself by the end of this year. While I know it isn't a race to learn to love yourself, if you don't set a goal when will I ever start? So while at the time when I said by the end of 2014 I will love myself, I was pretty certain I was never going to get up. I was going to stay down, beaten, defeated. I was a horrible human being. I was lifeless, sad, depressed, negative, all the time. I was just a horrible human being. While everyone was disappointed in me for staying down so long and just letting myself be this person who was sad all the time, I couldn't be bothered what they thought of me. I was those who had the mentality that if I don't see anything that's worthy in me, then I sure as hell do not deserve anyone else's love. So I did what I do best. I pushed people away, I shut myself off. All I knew at that time, I was just going to be sad. Because that was easy. Being sad and depressed and hating myself for all the wrong reasons was easier than facing that person in the mirror with all her insecurities and accepting that that's who I am. I guess in a way I am very thankful that I could've expressed my depression through art. In a way, it's a blessing that I didn't keep it in. But in a way I also created negative art. I'll show you a few of what I had.
So when I thought this whole migration thing was going to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me, now I see that it hasn't. Now I can tell you that I accept my imperfections. I can tell you that I honestly don't care about the scars on my face or my hairy arms and legs, but mostly, I'm not sorry for my personality and who I am. I'm not proud of the girl that fell into depression. But falling helped me get to where I am now. I can truly tell you that I am not insecure anymore. I have learned that loneliness doesn't take place just because that's how others make you feel. Loneliness and insecurities are what you are making yourself feel. I've learned to appreciate the person that I am for who I am because there never is going to be another person like me, ever. So yes, migration has been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. While leaving comfort behind wasn't that great of a thing, while I'm still trying to fit in is in process, it's a good thing that I got yanked out of my comfort spot.
I'm not saying I don't have bad days. We all do. It's just the ways we handle it. It's just the ways we decide to see it as. And yes, some days I do not handle it very well and on some days I shrug it off. Regardless though, being here and meeting new people and the new people that has been put in my life, or the 3 months of summer where I had no one and the first one a half months of school where I was so torn, lets just say its something necessary for me to get to where I am today.
Loving others is simple. Loving yourself, that's hard.
I used to question others about how they can love me when I don't even love me. And in simple words, if you don't love yourself, if you don't see your self worth, you're only going to push people away consciously or unconsciously.
It took me a lot to finally see it and I'm thankful that I'm no longer that sad, depressed, lifeless zombie. Not forgetting the people who has stuck with me through all my crap, they understood and they continued to shower me with love and support regardless of how much of an ass I was/am(?) :P But yes, without their support and love, and God, I wouldn't know where or what I would be.
Thank you, you guys for continuing to shower me with love and just having a place for me in your hearts even when I wasn't exactly me.
:)
^
just a little reminder for those of you who are still struggling.
<3
You guys can do this. One step at a time, one day at a time. It's just a bad day, or a streak of bad days. Not a bad life.
Zoe
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