Hi world, another one of those nights. I'm not sad. I just miss a lot of things. And there's the whole issue of why do we even try. No, actually the right question is "why bother trying?" Its not like I didn't try. I did. Several times. And then as humans, or just as nice people or maybe sympathetic or sensitive maybe we just decide that no, it's all our fault. That because we are friends with a person, or we treasure that person, they are perfect. And it's always your fault that things don't turn out right. Maybe its also my fault for expecting so much of them. Ever had those friends you ALWAYS make excuses for? You'd know what I'm talking about. If you don't, its either everyone around you is making excuses for you, or you're just really good at turning off your emotions. Because really, I'm so tired of hoping and having that thought in me or even that little shred of compassion for those around me who doesn't understand how important that is. And the best part is sometimes those who doesn't appreciate it are the ones who complains about how they are always mistreated. Kinda shows how you reap what you sow. The thing is though, I'll continue to make excuses for those around me. Like the reason why my friends are not being friends, oh because I'm the one who left. Maybe the reason why people grow distant, oh no worries, it's been distant from the start and it's my fault for being such an introvert.
The people we make excuses for are the ones who deserves it the least. Like during a conversation, someone says something offensive, I keep quiet. I make excuses for them. Like oh, maybe they didn't mean it. But then a few days down the road, a few thousand other conversations, they continue to offend me and I continue to make excuses for them. Why? Is it just my way of showing that I care? Because if it is, it is a very crappy way to show it. I make excuses for everyone. The reason why they're not there, the reason why things are distant, the reason why they offended me, the reason why their priorities changed, this and that, I make excuses for their wrong doings because I care. And I guess the hardest part is doing it unconsciously only to feel completely hurt. But the harder part of it is them never knowing what you've been doing for them. But that's love, right? That's caring, that's friendship, right? But then again its probably my fault for being a chicken and saying nothing in the first place.
Caring is hard. Being a friend is hard. But what's even harder is being so weak that you actually need people. I don't like running to people for help. Because the feeling of needing people are one of the most painful feelings I've ever encountered. It's like stabbing yourself continually for being so weak that you need to ask someone for help. Or even just the fact that you need someone to listen. It isn't because they aren't good enough to run to for help. They are more than good enough. People ask me why I don't open up. The fact is though, opening up makes me vulnerable. Needing help and support makes me vulnerable. I'm not trying to be isolated. But letting people in has caused more pain than trying to hold the fort down myself. The worst part of needing someone is making others feel helpless. Why trouble someone with your baggage when you can't even handle yourself? And why trouble others when they can't help you?
I'm done rambling. Sorry for such negativity tonight. I just needed to rant after a whole month of compressed feelings. I promise you an amazing Thanksgiving weekend update soon! :) Be prepared!!!
Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Turkey Day!!!
I'll be back with a more uplifting post super duper soon. Hold on tight you guys!
Much love,
Zoe
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