My week in words.

Hi! Hola! Hello! Bonjour!

How did you spend your week, you guys? It's been a little over a week since my last post and school has just been a life sucker. But nevertheless, here's my week in words.

1. Group work.

I hate group work, I hate people who says a lot of shit but never get their work done. Nuff said.

2. So frugal, its illegal.

Being frugal is good. It saves you money, you don't buy necessary things. But people don't understand that there's a fine line between saving money and actually spending more money to make up for the crap that your frugalnese caused you. It's like a border line between two states. Except one would say frugal, the other would say ass. It's like preferring to buy an old $200 lawn mower that doesn't work, spending extra money fixing it and buying new blades and actually ruining your lawn because it didn't work, or the fact that the whole engine could not turn on, when you could've spent just a little bit more to get a brand new one. I don't get it really. It drives me insane.

3. Friends?

Friends? What friends? People who said they'd be there, but they aren't, people who acts like you don't exist, people who treats you second best, people who take you for granted. While I understand that this is life or the circle of life or whatever term you'd like to call it, let us just address the problem, shall we? I don't know about you, but I'm that person who believes the best in people when they say things. Even when I know that they're a bunch of bull or they're just going to waltz into my life and screw everything up, I let them because I believe that they are better than what everyone else perceives them to be. Often enough, people would say things out of desperation to make everything sound good and then they'll just walk out of my life after leaving a mess. Well, thank you! To the friend(s) who decides to be strangers after putting our friendship up on a pedestal in that few months after they found out that I was leaving to the States, thanks for not being there. You didn't have to be so fake. I would've liked who you were without all the words and the sugar coated "we could've"s.

4. Being truthful.

I hate people who can never get to the point. They hide around that wall of transparent glass, with that nice façade that to be honest, is so transparent that they think its opaque. If I'm not a friend you want to have around, you don't have to beat around the bush and act like I'm not there when I am, just say so and I'd just walk away. If I'm not up to par to be accepted into your perception of acceptable, just speak your mind. If I was just that person to fill a hole when you were desperate, you should've just said so.

5. Love-hate.

The fact is, people you love most can also be the ones you hate. You might even wish you didn't love them. But it will come to a point when you question the point of loving someone you're stuck with forever. I can't imagine not having them around, but neither can I imagine the amount of tolerance and patience and blindness that is required to keep going each day.

Have a great week!

Zoe

It's A Hard World To Please

Hi guys, girl, ladies, gents, world. 

This is going to be from a girl's point of view, I understand that guys goes through things as well in their own ways, but this is mostly situated to the girls. So as a girl, it's a hard world to please. They want us to be pretty, smart, slim but curvy, outgoing but well mannered, thoughtful and willing to drop everything because we're girls. They expect us to always say yes and nod our heads in agreement. They expect us to be able to make a phenomenal sandwich. But to be honest, there's a lot more pressure put on us than anyone sees. So here's the ones from a girl's point of view. 

They want us to be beautiful. 

They want us to look pretty. They want us to be flawless and have faces like models. It's hard enough accepting ourselves for who we are and there's this extra thing we have to face : pleasing others. They want us to be stunning the moment we get out of bed. Hair perfect, voluminous, bouncy, shiny and sleek. They want our eyebrows to be full, eyelashes long and eye catching. They want our faces to be spotless, acne free, cheekbones to stand out and noses small and cute. Your smiles has to be heavenly, teeth all aligned and white, sparkly.  But when we step up to the game, putting on makeup to cover up the scars and the blemishes and dark circles to be what they want, we're suddenly fake, high maintenance. Just in the blink of an eye, makeup makes you fake, skincare products make you a beauty queen. Trying to be acceptable is fake, it's try hard. But everybody wants us to be pretty and eye catching. What do they want from us, exactly?

They want us to be slim and slender. 

They say, "slim and curvy." That's the ultimate goal. Girls who are slim, slender but has the whole package. If we're slim and stick like, we're suddenly unappealing. If we're curvy or average we're just suddenly fat. What's the logic in this? If we're not good enough and if we're more than enough, what is good enough? They want us to be a size 4 or less with a thigh gap and boobs enough to show a cleavage, bum to be enough to show off in a dress. But once all those things are too much or too little that's it. You're either too fat or too thin to be appealing. 

What matters is the beauty inside. 

While this sounds sweet, how often does one just close they're eyes and likes you for the one you are inside? First impressions count. But sometimes they're taken into account more than it should. They want us to have an outshining personality. So great that how we look or what we wear doesn't matter. But how often is this true? You wouldn't approach someone who dresses up in torn and tattered jeans and a ripped tee with bed hair and a face full of blemishes as opposed to someone who is well dressed. They judge us by our looks way too often. How do you expect young, insecure girls to feel even a shred of love for themselves? 

Being Smart. 

Once your smart, you're attractive. Once you're smarter, you're a nerd. If you like books and like spending time alone, if you work hard and prioritize your studies or your job, you're a nerd, you're a workaholic. You're a weirdo. If you're failing at everything, immediately you're not worth they're time. 

 JUST BE YOURSELF.

 Oh my goodness. This is the best one. It's a joke, really. They want us to be ourselves. They want us to be confident in our own skin, appreciate the weird laugh that we have, the "I love myself and I accept myself for who I am." the "I don't need makeup to feel good" the "I am beautiful" the "I don't need to be someone else for others to like me" the ORIGINALITY. To be honest with you, out of 10 people who tells you to, "be yourself", 9 of them would end up hating the you that you are. Ever been in that situation? You're called fake and they don't like you. You put a little barrier to filter yourself out and they still don't like you. You try to please them, they still don't like you. But when you're you, true colors and all straight all laid out on the table, they STILL don't like you. "She's too straight forward" "she's too obnoxious" "she's too popular" "she's too loud" "she's too fat" "she's too thin." "she's too talented" "she has way too many friends" Well, here's my question : what does one have to do to begin to feel accepted? 

I like a girl that doesn't have drama in her life. 

No girl drama? Okay, we'll be friends with guys. There, problem solved. But no, then there's the whole, "she's such a player." "gosh, she's such an attention seeker" "she hangs out too much with guys" "she's such a show off.". Hmm. Makes me wonder yet again. What do we have to do? 

Stand up for yourself. 

We speak our minds, stand up for ourselves, set things right, take the lead, we're suddenly bitches. When we finally decide that it's the last straw and we have had enough, putting our foot down and saying no suddenly makes us selfish and a bitch. I don't see how that makes sense, but in the mindset of the world, it does. How and why? 

She has to be truthful. 

HAHA. Truthful? If we ever spoke the truth, we'd be criticized as being TOO straightforward, too mean. Or maybe there's the whole, "she's a girl, she doesn't know what she's talking about.". Telling the truth is like taking that step to fall of a cliff. We tell the truth, we're a stuck up, pretentious. But when we aren't truthful, we're liars.  

Be nice. 

They want us to be nice, helpful, willing to be a good friend, generous, smile and always say yes, never lie, obey the rules, be respectful. But when we do so, we're considered, "suspicious." or we have ulterior motives.  Or maybe you'll just get really hurt and betrayed because someone took advantage of you. Happens way too often than none. When you're not nice enough, you're immediately unappealing. You're suddenly in the "ew" list. Makes sense in today's world for some great reason, doesn't it? 

Talkative/Too silent.

People like girls who are quiet. But at the same time, they want us to initiate conversation. But when we want time to ourselves, we're rude for not wanting to converse or we don't appreciate someone's company. Or the fact that when we talk too much we're talkative, too loud which makes us unladylike. 

That's about the most I can think about for now. What about you? What do you think? 

Zoe

Third Day - Wasn't so bad

Hi world,

So I noticed something very interesting today. For some reason, have you ever had one of those times where you wished you could have an out of body experience and see yourself from someone else's point of view? Well, I think to have that would be genius because we never actually do see ourselves. It's the reflection in the mirror we see when we groggily pad ourselves to the bathroom in the morning to wash the sleep from our eyes and there you see yourself, eye bags, hair in a bun, ultimate Asian eyes, pimpled face and all. But that's all we see - physical features. In some ways, its good we don't see ourselves from someone else's eyes because there's a lot of ugliness that comes with being a person. I know that if I were to see myself from another person's point of view, a notebook of lists cannot make up for the imperfections that I need to change to be a better person.

I spent my lunch time alone, with a book. It isn't unusual, but it happens more rather than occasionally. And the best bit was I knew that I wasn't lonely. I just knew that sitting by myself isn't a magnet for stares and judgement, in fact nobody cared. When you're alone, or waiting for someone even in a crowded place, it does feel like the doors of your insecurity has opened and it feels like the gusts of winds and storms of judgement of the world is judging you for your loneliness and insecurities when to be honest, nobody really takes notice. Today has been pretty great. I got into my dreaded English 12, the classroom packed like a can of sardine: crowded, hard to breathe, claustrophobic, disgusting and uncomfortable. It consisted of backpacks hitting the back of my head, tables from the back ramming itself into my chair, noise from the hallway that absolutely makes me cringe and the fact that I still felt like an anchovy in a sea of sharks and whales. But we did my favorite thing today. We had to write an essay. For a moment I freaked. I didn't know the format, I didn't know anything. I didn't know if its from your point of view, or if you were to write the essay excluding the words "Me, Myself and I".

After reading the sources I told myself that it was just like writing essays for US History - hook, thesis, paragraphs supporting the thesis, quotes from the sources and citing the sources. Soon enough I found myself writing through 6 long paragraphs. Ideas and words seem to have flowed out continuously to the point where I had so much to say but I didn't want to overstep the limit, even though there were none so I just kept it short and not very sweet. I don't really like not expressing my opinions fully, but if you don't put my writing on a leash, I'd go on forever. For some reason, I don't know if I'm thankful I don't talk as much as I write, or vice versa. After 6 paragraphs of expressing my opinions(still not fully, though), I felt better. I left school with a smile(its quite a shocker considering how I hated that sardine can class) and I too, realized how writing impacts me. It doesn't really matter what the topic is, I guess.

Anyways, that was today.

Thanks for reading, if you have.

I hope you've had a great day :)

xoxo

Zoe

Second day - dreadful

Hi world,

So it has only been the second day of school ever since break ended and I feel so dead. English 12, or some people call it Senior English is no joke. To some people its pretty smooth going, I guess. It's a lot of hard work and a lot of terms that I don't get because I missed English 9, 10 and 11. But that isn't an excuse that I should use because I've learned everything in an indirect way. Like we didn't have a whole year to do descriptive writing and we didn't do annotations. Our summaries are written differently and our essays certainly did not contain a thesis. So yes, I feel like my head is underwater now. There are things like, "remember in your sophomore year, we did .....?" Well, no I don't. Because I wasn't here. I don't know you guys, I'm in out of my head.

Don't you guys feel uncomfortable in big classes? I hate my English 12 class. It is filled completely to the brim with people, people my age but yet I feel like a little fish in a big pond amongst sharks and whales. Crowds make me jittery. Big classes make me jittery. In a way I'm thankful I'm placed in front, but nonetheless I'm still  distracted by the huge crowds that scare me immensely. For some reason blogging and writing is very comforting to me. In a way its a way for me to vent my worries and stupid silly fears knowing that someone who reads this can relate to this somehow. What's even more depressing is the fact that its only Wednesday. How fun is that? Even though I finish school about almost more than an hour early now, it doesn't make English 12 that much easier.

On our first day, which was yesterday, we had to read a poem, annotate it and explain what it meant. After that, we were told that we have to read at least an 800 paged book throughout the whole semester while keeping a booklog and a journal on what you've read, plus even analyzing that damn book. On top of that, keep up with your class work. Well, honestly I hate first day classes because teachers break down everything for you and you end up absorbing overwhelmingly the amount of work you have to do in about 4 and a half months. Not forgetting the pressure that English 12 is needed to graduate. So if I don't put my best foot forward, bye bye graduation.

So I do wonder why I haven't dug a grave for myself and just lied there, waiting for the amount of work to bury me alive. Grrr. School. I would've graduated and be done with school by now.

Happy Thursday.

Zoe

Home?

Do not tempt me with the idea of home. Because if it were ever an option, I'd get on that plane heading home and I would not have the will or strength to come back. Because its that heartbreaking. I want to go home, I'm homesick, I don't enjoy living here. I hate being lonely, I hate having to watch my back in every decision I make, I hate it. "How are you doing?", he asks. Well, there you go. I can't do this. I'd choose hot and humid anyday. So please please please don't tempt me with the idea of home. Are you striving or surviving? I'm surviving, only barely. Having the idea of home as an option is painful because I would want that more than anything.

Thank you for not being there when you said you would, thank you for backing up on your word and leave me here facing change alone. Because I can't do any of it anymore. I can't keep having the idea of home that I'm not ready to let go of. And I can't stand being alone anymore.

My heart has never been unpacked ever since I set foot here. If you take me home, I'm unpacking and I'm never having my life packed up in luggages anymore.

I can't do this.

Snippets of my room.

Hello, world! 

I'm back with a little room update. So about 3 weeks ago, the family and I moved into a house and I finally I would say am done putting things together. I have one green wall and the rest are all white. So here's a little run through. The Z-O-E scrabble pieces are by Typo, the canvas, "Do all things with love" and the world map was painted by, yours truly, the fairy lights came from a hardware store that sold it for 75% off after Christmas and I got it for less than $4. The scented candles came from IKEA, the glasses I put my makeup in are from previous candles that has already burned up, the jars I use to put my colored pens in are old spaghetti sauce jars, preferably the ones by Prego ( because that's all I had at home! ) 

I love rooms similar to mine, I like them white and bright in the day time, but I also like them quite and cozy at night, thus the fairy lights and candles. My brother has a grey room, it's probably too dark for me, but each to its own. In each of my rooms, I have had green or white in them, my room back home is double toned, I have an army green on the top and a bright green at the bottom, I don't have an exact picture of it, but this was one that I could find : 

That was my room back in Penang, it was messy, filled with fairy lights, candles and very very cozy. So when I moved in, I thought that I'd bring the elements of my definition of "comfort" into my room. Some people classify this as Tumblr-ish, but I think I have a lot more to go if I were to call my room Tumblr. Nevertheless, enjoy and I hope that by the time you're done scrolling, you'd feel comforted too :) 

 

♥



Zoe

A Letter To My Younger Self.

Dear You,

               Here are somethings that someone should have told you when you were 14 or even 15. There's nothing wrong with you. The numbers on the scale, the inches of your waist, the size of your jeans, the width of your thighs. Nothing of it was wrong. You're imperfectly imperfect and life's greatest obstacle isn't the number of friends or likes on Facebook, the amount of notifications you get everyday, the amount of followers on Instagram or even the amount of friends you have in real life. In regards of friends, all you really needed was one. And believe me when I tell you that now you have 3 you can ring up anytime you need and they are there. And yes, you did end up moving to the United States and in a way you did do something related to writing. The one thing that you were so scared of when people encouraged you to take it seriously. Even though this blog isn't something that everyone would read, but this is my version of a vlog channel on YouTube. This is my life I'm documenting in words and pictures - the best way I know how. 

                My dear, it's okay to worry. But don't let it eat you up. Don't let it eat you up like it did. Worry comes with life. But at the same time, worrying sets boundaries and cuts relationships faster than lightning. IT isolates you from others and it pushes people away even if you didn't mean it.  It's okay to question life. It's okay to wonder why wake up in the first place. It's alright to think about where strength comes from, it's okay to feel hurt and be hurt. But don't dwell on it too long. It's okay to stay down. But get up when you're ready. Heck, get up even when you don't feel like doing so. It's okay to feel like you're drifting away from people and the ones closest to you because the thing is, I wish someone had told me this earlier : You have friends for a reason, a season and the selected ones stay forever. Do not worry about your friends and how long they're going to be in your life. Do not think that your efforts were not good enough to keep up a friendship. Because here's the funny thing about friendships, when it matters, your efforts feel effortless and there's no pressure as to if he or she is replying, it doesn't bother you because that friendship is strong. Long distance friendship isn't easy. But with the right people it is. If you read this when you were 14, would you believe me if I told you that you're in the United States, Audrey is now in Australia, Brenda went to Italy and came back, Lin is actually your best friend now, as opposed to how much she hated you before, you're strong and you've finally understood the differences between lonely and alone? You wouldn't right? 

              The thing is, you are enough. You are more than enough. No you did not start driving at 17, you still have no idea where to go with life, you're still clueless and a little bit scared of the future. You aren't depressed anymore, you just feel a lot. Things still effect you, but you're handling it better now. Things do get better in time. Don't waste time on the friends who care about themselves or the ones who questions your existence. Don't waste time on the girl who made you feel like complete crap and don't feel guilty for walking out of that friendship. Don't be afraid to end a relationship that was hurting both you and him even if you still loved him then and there, despite the fact that people break up when they aren't in love and not the opposite. Don't hate family reunions back at Alor Star, don't hate having to go there every weekend of your life and not having a life of your own like your brothers did. Because when you're far away from home, you'd give anything for another weekend like that. Do not be afraid to feel the need to reflect and have alone time, because if the people that were in your life was placed there for a reason, they'd respect the space you need. Do try out YouTube, but trust me when I tell you that you express things in words and pictures rather than videos and talking to a camera. 

                 Now, despite the stupid amounts of blogs that you have deleted and created, don't let it stop you from trying again because this blog is going to save your life when you're 17. Writing has saved your life in many many ways. It has kept you sane, even if nobody reads it. Even if posting rants and sad, emo posts hasn't been the most flattering, it's a reminder that we're all human. And there's an ugly side to it. But always remember that behind the ugliness is beauty. Beauty that cannot amount to the amount of sunsets you've watched, or shooting starts you've stayed up to see, weddings you've been to or even that girl staring back into the mirror. It's more than that. It's okay to be sad, but don't accept sadness as a part of yourself. Don't accept depression as who you are. Just don't. Your name means life. Zoe means life and you have brought life into different things in different ways. Being life doesn't mean making people cheery or being the lift of the party. Life can also mean opening up people's eyes to different perspectives, showing people a different angle of things through your photos, your writings, your actions and your words. Strive to be a better person each day. You have it in you. 

                 Give a crap about your grades. Don't let a breakup or the fact that you have given up dancing and playing the piano ruin you. Yes, you end up omitting the things in your life that you deemed your "core" because that was what defined you. After a decade of dancing and playing the piano, you're going to let it go. And it's going to hurt, it's going to hurt you bad. But the thing is, you're going to get over it and you're going to understand that not everything lasts forever and that it's more than okay to mourn, more than okay to get a little lost more than okay to hurt. Not a lot of people are going to understand you, you're going to meet a lot of people who deem you as sad and emo, you're going to meet people you can't stand and people you'd stay away from. You're going to be a leader in the little things. I know how you always try to tame the leadership flame in you. Why do that when leadership skills isn't for everyone? Learn to embrace yourself, learn to embrace you qualities, your beauty but also learn to embrace your faults. Not in a way where you turn down everyone's opinions and be mister right, but embrace it in a way where you're humble and are prepared for change and critiques. 

                 But most of all, do not be afraid. Do not be afraid to step out of your bubble sometimes. Do not be afraid to say yes on that Sunday you were asked to hang out with people you met less than an hour ago. Do not be afraid to be an extrovert once in a while. Do not be ashamed of your introverted qualities. How you don't like crowds and how you don't like interacting with people. Do not be afraid to be alone, but most of all, do not feel alone. Do not sham yourself and do not look down on yourself. Because the only opinion about yourself that matters is yours. How are others supposed to look up to you if you don't look up to yourself? Adding on to that, learn to love yourself. Love yourself and all your imperfections for you're the only Zoe Loh to ever exist. Isn't that amazing? You're the only one. Appreciate that and make it count.

                   Listen to your heart. Don't let the opinions of others effect you. Wear that red lipstick out on a Sunny day if you want, don't wear foundation, it's all up to you. But most importantly, understand that standing up for yourself is not being mean to others. It's protecting yourself. Do not let people push you around, do not make excuses for their mistakes. If he's not putting an effort into the friendship and you're the only one sending strings of "hi's" and you're getting no replies, stop trying even if he was a good friend. If she's making you want to rake her face off, stop being friends. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, please, walk away. If she thinks calling you hairy, asking you to shave off all the hair on your arms and legs because it freaks her out and its not something that she's used to seeing, thinking that it's okay, stop being friends. Close the door, walk out. Because better doors are going to open. You're never stuck. Life isn't a movie. Don't expect everything to be magical, but at the same time, don't stop dreaming. It's okay to love. But know that you'll get hurt from it. Give, but don't give it all. Letting go isn't easy, but it's possible with time. 

Sincerely, 

Zoe // 2015 

That was all I could think of at this moment. I know it isn't a cheery post for the New Year's, but this blog is an extension of my feelings, a document of my life. So yes, if it's okay with you, I'd like to do that and have maybe my 21 year old self read this over and see how much this has changed. Just like I said above, I'm not sad. I just feel a lot. 

What would you tell your younger self, if you had the chance?