Loneliness? | Life, Thoughts

I've been debating for an hour if I should write this. It's sort of either writing it out, not sleeping for the rest of what's left before the sun rises or turning on the lights to write it down on paper which is not the best thing. The last thing I want to do is flood social media with me moping about here and there because it's not the best thing in the world when  there's so much negativity around. But I'm not negative tonight though. I'm not sad, I'm not pessimistic. I'm just sleepless. I find it pretty hilarious how you discover a lot on your sleepless nights. You find out things about yourself that has either been there, rotting just for you to realize and something's you find out on the spot. There's also the part of unnecessary thoughts and rekindling of old memories that doesn't nothing good to you no matter how hard you dig it up or try to re-live them. But loneliness has not slapped me in the face this hard before until tonight. Not empty, but lonely. Not the 'I don't have any friends' lonely. The 'I just need someone to tell me its okay to not know what you're doing with your life' lonely. I honestly don't know if that made any sense at all. But 4:11AM Zoe (yes, PST time zone guys) doesn't make much sense but ramble on and on about pointless things. But there are just nights and times when you feel so urgghhh. I don't think there's any other better words for it but Urgh and nrrgggghhhhhhh. Its like I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm still awake. Its more of something called boredom and deprivation, I think? Hahaha oh gosh where am I going with this. I was actually hoping to write myself to sleep. But I don't think that this is going to work anymore. Haha. A friend of mine used to tell me to count sheep if I couldn't sleep. Don't think that works either. Okaayyyyy.

Goodnight world.

Let Downs | Thoughts

You know that feeling when you're feeling awfully good today, out of all days of the week that you haven't been at your best and you go to sleep destined and setting your mind to waking up positively and you actually do? I think congratulations are in order. But anyways, the four walls of your room is the best thing that has shared your joy without you since the moment you woke up. Only to go out the door and find everything or someone, rather to ruin it all. I'm not saying I gave up feeling good. I'm just quite pissed, frankly speaking, of seeing people take out their anger and troubles on someone else and then they wonder why people stay away. Have you ever wondered why people would rather stay away and avoid the catastrophe? Well honestly if you're never going to be able to speak up or say things nicely as to what is troubling you then obviously you are standing alone. I don't get people with big egos and hiding behind all that huge ass bravado only to be a person in need behind all that. If you need to talk it out, which you never considered it as an option but just rather lash out at everyone, then what's the point of all that ego and bravado that you have? I'm so pissed because you're not the only one who is going through things, or trying to adapt, or learning new things and getting used to things every minute of the day. It doesn't mean its any easier for us as it is to you or you as it is to me. But lashing out isn't going to bring everyone much joy. We don't even know the first thing that is wrong with you. So much for a person to seems like they can stand on their own. Its known to the world that everyone needs someone. That we can't do it alone. And its not like there's nobody there for you! Behind all that stubbornness and your oblivion as to its okay to being human is what makes me want to rip your head off. Not only that, you made a choice. stand firm with it! After everything that I have learned from you I would've expected that you practice what you preach. But evidently that seems to be a lie. Everything is really. I don't see how people are supposed to see things the right way when all you've been doing is doing things the opposite of what you say. And its completely okay if you mess up. Nobody can say a single word. Or we'll be asking for an early death. But if we mess up. We'll never hear the end of day. What's the logic in that? Right, I know nothing is logic, nothing is fair, etc. etc. etc. But I'm not fond of having to sigh every time you get to mess up and I don't. If you need a breather, go get one but don't suck everyone into the hellhole with you. Its hard when you see people doing shit even they themselves don't like but they can't see it and its even harder when you can't voice out an opinion regarding it. Maybe what everyone needs is a mirror. But what's the point of having a mirror if you won't even look? Don't have to talk about how you don't look close enough, because even looking in the mirror is so hard to do blinded by the ego and all that stubbornness. 

I will stop before I break the keyboard. 

Weekends | Random

My type of weekends

Throwback? | Random, Travel

Here's an attempted fail Attitude Pose I tried back in San Francisco 

Spur of The Moment | Random, Thoughts

After a week of continuously trying to study for a test I know nothing about, actually going in to take the test, reading The Mortal Instruments' series (its great btw, I love the way Cassandra Clare writes the books and how she keeps you on your toes, always. Though at one point the idea of the book did give me creeps xP ), and being bored out of my mind, eating so much food to curb boredom and bumming on the couch. I honestly cannot wait for school to start and need me tell you I have never been so impatient for school to start. Haha, anyways, here's a little typography thing about me that I did out of boredom. There's so many things that we can say to define ourselves, and I guess despite what everyone says about how someone is going to know you better than yourself? I don't think that's the way it works. People can say things about you that defines you, sometimes even point out different things about you that you may have never notice before, or things that aren't true. But I believe that we are the only ones who can define ourselves. The things we know about ourselves and most importantly, the things we choose to define ourselves as. If you look deep enough, or open your eyes big enough, you will see that the person that you are is most definitely beautiful and unique. I can't be you, and neither can you be me. That's what makes us all so special, so worth it. Because we are the only one of us around. Mistakes don't define you, your scars don't define you, your imperfections don't define you. What they are, they are lessons and a reminder that you've gotten this far, that you're still standing and that you'll continue to make it through. I guess we all know that. But sometimes, well, actually, most of the times, we need to be constantly reminded of our amazing-ness because we're human. :) 

"Heroes aren’t always the ones who win,” she said. “They’re the ones who lose, sometimes. But they keep fighting, they keep coming back. They don’t give up. That’s what makes them heroes." 

- Clary Fray, City of Heavenly Fire, The Mortal Instruments

- Zoe

CAHSEE : Day 1 | Life

Another first US experience : Sitting for CAHSEE. 

CAHSEE is short for California High School Exit Examination. And without any sort of preparation, I had to go in for my first day of CAHSEE. I honestly didn't know what I was doing. Pfft. If you don't pass the test, you won't graduate. Aduhh. So today was the English paper. It wasn't that bad, but for the essay, it said, "Write a thesis ..." and I sat there wondering what the heck is a thesis. Also tests are all written in pencils, and out of all kinds, it has to be a 2HB pencils. I hate HB pencils with a passion. Nevertheless, English today was so so. I still don't know what a thesis is. And I hope that whatever I wrote today was enough. Onto Math tomorrow. I'm optimistic. 

Days | Thoughts

The best part about all those 1123 days and counting is that because of one day, all those days do not matter anymore 

- Zoe

Lately | Thoughts, Life

Helllo world. So as of late, things hasn't been all fun and games and I do end up breaking down more than I try to stand up. I guess this is where it gets hard. Trying to stand when there's every reason to just stay down. I guess you can keep praying for sunny weather but that won't stop the rain, what more than to just let it fall, right? I don't mean to be a pessimist even though that's really what I am most of the time, I hate the idea of how things are going to keep falling mid-flight and we just have to be okay with it. Where's the logic in all of that? What's the point of say, letting people in when they're going to just walk out and leave you? Or what's the point of studying if you're just going to fail? Or whats the point of falling in love, when all you end up with when you fall out of love is to pick up your broken pieces again, alone? But somehow, being human we unconsciously find ourselves standing up even if we fall. It may not be something that happens overnight, but its something we do unconsciously even though we don't want to. Even if the heart is tired and our mouth says we're tired and we're done, wave the white flag, we still find ourselves waking up the next morning. Sometimes I guess thats enough. 

- Zoe

. | Beauty

Typography Wednesday | Thoughts

Ready? Set. Go! | Thoughts, Life

Hello world! So yesterday I got a call from someone that seems to be my guidance counselor and she said that I had to take a test next week. To my surprise, school hasn't started yet, and I was told at such a short notice. She also asked me if I was good in math, well obviously not. Not only that she also told me that my desired subjects were all filled up and I have to pick some other subject(s) to fill in that ones that I couldn't get in. I guess with everything else that I was dealing with and coupled with this one that made me feel like I got hit with yet another emotional truck and dragged all the way hanging on from one place to another, I guess I would say I was pretty devastated which led me to actually doing four hours worth of math yesterday and almost three hours today. My brain feels like its dying. It's so hilarious how the answers are just there but I couldn't see it before. I was once told that when it comes to math my brain just goes in a straight line and doesn't even bother to turn right or left or follow the routes to solve the equations. Brain juices are dry. bye world. 

Days like these. | Thoughts, Life

I couldn't be sorrier, and I have not felt this lost in a very long time. Its like ripping out a band aid from a wound that never healed, but I pretended that it didn't hurt. Now it hurts again. I couldn't be more sorry. 

- Zoe

Fresh starts | Thoughts, Life

So often I had found myself in time and time again wishing for fresh starts and going to some place new where nobody knows me and start again. I'm pretty sure almost everybody has had that thought before. Though, what nobody tells you is that it sounds better than it is. Moving to somewhere new, to a place where nobody knows you, to a place far from home doesn't change you. It doesn't erase your past, it doesn't undo your mistakes, it doesn't make the wrong turn into rights. When you move, everything but the people you love and the place you grew up in goes with you. One plane ride to another, it doesn't change who you are. It doesn't change your struggles, it doesn't change your ups and downs. It isn't a restart button. It doesn't give you a free visit down memory lane with editing and omiting options. Whoever that you are a few plane rides before, that's still who you are. Here's one thing moving does do for you. It gives you a chance to learn from your mistakes and put those mistakes into good use. But it doesn't change the fact that the mistakes are still there. Sure, nobody else knows what you did, where you come from, what you've been through or who you are, but you know. You know exactly everything that you've been through, you know exactly even crook and corner of yourself and all that you have done, the people you have met, the people you loved, the ones who walked away and also the ones you walked away from. You also knows the years you've caused and the ones who caused your tears. You also know your failures and the goals you didn't achieve and the tests you flunked. You know yourself better than anyone will ever do and moving somewhere far away doesn't, not for a single mili second change all of that. This is the part where I tell you people do not know what exactly they're wishing for when they say that they wished they could have live life differently in a new place when everything gets too much. Honestly I wouldn't do almost anything to be home right now, back to school, have the people I love where I can see them often, be in the same timezone as them. I want comfortable. And its not wrong to want comfortable. But sometimes it isn't very fun to not even fit in a place that you're supposed to start off new. There will be things that you'll want back and things you don't want at all. But we have no say in that. We deal with what we're given and that has been the way it is since the beginning of time. What I'm trying to say is moving thousands of miles away from home does not make everything okay again. It doesn't fix anything from the past and it won't fix everything in the future. If our problems are the one thing we're running from, then yes a new start sounds amazing. But what if the one that were trying to run away from is yourself? That's most certainly impossible. You can abandon looking in the mirror everyday because of the fear and the person carrying all those baggage in your reflection, but don't deny the fact that if you don't deal with the things you're running away from, you won't need a mirror to tell you that you have things you should be dealing with. Even lying in bed, staring into space is enough to create a ringing in your mind that you need to start moving on, or close chapters, or have change take place or even accept the change that has to take place and maybe even keep some chapters closed. My whole point is that moving to somewhere new doesn't erase your memories and gives you a clean slate. If its anything, it doesn't erase your memories, it makes them appear more often. You'll find yourself walking down more memory lanes than you can ever imagine. Reminiscing about almost everything that you wish you could have back. And then, you'll also find yourself being reminded of that clean slate you'll want but can't have. If being in a new place where nobody knows me is such an amazing thing that everyone wishes for, then what am I missing out on?

- Zoe

Positivity | Thoughts, Life

Different perspective, different outcomes :) 

Zoe

Leap Of Faith? | Life, Beauty

After having bad histories of ugly fringes and bangs and how it looks bad when its short or it doesn't sit right, or maybe it makes my face look rounder than it is, after years of that I have sworn off fringes and bangs. So I grew out my fringe and it grew out to four fingers after my chin and covered my face fully like a curtain. Last night however, I decided to take a leap of faith and cut side swept bangs myself. New place, new fringe maybe? Haha. I guess what I'm trying to say is that it took me a few days to accept the facts that change does need to take place. Regardless if it's the change that you want or the change that you think you'll never get used to. Or maybe its the change that should never take place over your dead body. Either ways, all along I've known that change needs to take place. Even the ones that I distaste. And right now, I'm okay with that. Because if its one thing that I have learned my whole entire almost 17 years of life is that people walk out for better ones to come and doors close for even bigger ones to open. And for those people who still stayed and for the doors that remained open, they have been the biggest blessing in my life. :) So, July 2014 till the end of time, lets do this.

Ps, First time in so long, I'm thankful my bangs turned out pretty good. 

Zoe

- | Thoughts, Life

July 6th | Thoughts, Life

Hi there. 

Have you ever had one of those nights? Those nights where your brain goes into this reflective frenzy, and you can't sleep and you play emotional songs and all you want to do is turn it off, turn everything off, forget it or just wished that you could have it all back? Well, need me remind you that you're not the only one and that I guess this is what it means to be human. How often do I have these type of nights? Often enough to want to sleep the whole day through. I know that things happen for a reason and I know that life has its way and God has this reasons and timing for every little bit that goes on. But these nights are the hardest to live through. Have you ever just sat down and wondered how the hell you got yourself here? Have you every just stood to look back to see the amount of hurdles you had to jump across, the amount of mountains you had to climb, the amount of storms you had to live through and the amount of people you had to meet along the way and you turn to look forward only to see a huge ass monster right at your face, and you're defenseless. Well, what are you going to do? What can you do? But most of all, where's the point in all of this?

Why does anyone do anything? I guess to me those questions have no short and simple answers. But through everything that I have been through, in all honesty I'm neither happy nor sad that I have gotten this far with everything that I have learnt. I wouldn't say I'm wise enough to face my demons though. I'm just tired. Though, who isn't tired? We're all tired in our own ways. We're all satisfied in our own ways, happy in our own ways. Heck, I hate nights like these. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, neither do I know what I'm going to do with my life. And I guess its harder when you don't have a goal and with no goal comes no directions. It's really funny how you just keep walking and walking and walking and one day you just stop and wonder how you actually got there in the first place. Sometimes you find yourself lost, sometimes you find yourself in the right place. Last time it used to be, "you need to stand up." then it used to be "you just need to keep walking. It doesn't matter where you're going. At least you're walking." Now that I'm walking, "you need to find a goal" or "where are you going?". It never is enough, is it? It'll never be enough. I guess that's hard because even taking a breather from nothing is pretty ridiculous. "how are you?" "Tired." "Tired of what? You're not even doing anything." Yup. That is right. A few years ago admitting that I was tired and lost used to be something I was so scared to admit because I knew that I was so much better than that. Not long after that it kinda became a part of me. Right now its just something I shamelessly admit because that's how things are. 

Goodnight world. 

Zoe

Photograph | Thoughts

I guess this is the only thing I like about photographs that carries really bad memories is that at that time and moment, it's all kept in a photograph and the memories are made for ourselves and despite what went on during then, our eyes were never closing and our hearts are never broken because the fact that time is forever frozen in that piece of photograph, is so true. That's the only reason why photographs that brings you down a memory lane of sorrow and heartbreak are still worth keeping. Ed Sheeran, thank you so much for this song. I am, in all honesty as I'm writing this really really emotionally tired. I'm having one of those days where I just want to be a baby and point fingers and cry about everything that goes wrong. But I know that that doesn't solve anything. But what's the point if the words you utter are nothing but a bunch of lies and empty words? Honestly I don't see why people need to waste their breaths to lie about things. Isn't it easier to tell the truth without having the after guilt feeling of telling a lie? What about the one that believed your lie? The one that put their trust in you, and all you did was just violate it whenever the hell you want just because you didn't think lying was that "big of a deal"? Come on, you could've done better. Also to those who likes to keep people on their hook. Those who treats people as if they own them. One minute of the day you exist to them and the next 23 hours and 59 minutes of the day you just don't exist. And that goes on for 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Well, truth be told I can treat an inanimate object better than you bloody treat a person. Urgh. 

Zoe

First Month! | Life, Thoughts, Travel

Month Number One. 

Here's a few things I have learned/realized or have found noteworthy. 

1. Food portions are bloooooooddddyyyy huggggeeeeeee 

2. It can get really cold and get really hot super fast

3. In the Bay Area, Summer is also Sweater Weather 

4. Ben's and Jerry's are the cheapest at $2.70 

5. People here mostly really love the sun. They obviously don't mind getting tanned. 

6. Dishwashers are convenient 

7. Where I'm at, people are really friendly. You can't go to the park for a run without needing to say  "hi" or "Hello, how's your day" while you run or walk. 

8. Schools go according to where you live. 

9. There's a lot of driving required to get around 

10. EVERYWHERE LOOKS THE SAME 

11. Blue, cloudless skies 

12. It is possible to sleep without a fan or AC and not burn to death 

13. Its also possible to get out of the shower and not drown yourself in sweat as you get out

14. It's makeup heaven here 

15. LAND OF THE AMA/ZING DRY SHAMPOO AND SALT SPRAYS 

16. Cherries, berries mmmm <3

17. Sun rises extremely early and sets super late during summer which is completely ridiculous, urgh

18.  tbc

Zoe 

YOU | Thoughts

If anyone is telling you that you're not that great, here's what I'm telling you! 

Have a wonderful day ahead :)

Zoe

I wish I knew.. | Thoughts, Life

Upon moving to the States and trying to get used to everything here, there was also one more thing I needed to do after settling down (aside from getting my driver's license of course *winks*) but as I was saying, I also needed to register for school because I'm basically stuck in the middle of somewhere, I wouldn't say nowhere. But back home, it was easy, it was simple. School only provided you with two options 

Science Stream, or Arts. And I honestly belonged in neither. But I'm pretty sure most of everyone felt that way too. Neither did we have a choice. I honestly remember how I wished for more choices, and being able to study what I want and pursue it, because at that moment I guess you can say I was pretty certain of what I wanted to do. But I was put into Science Stream, and I honestly really thought I could do it because I did pretty well from what I expected in my PMR back in 2012. Little did I know though, the whole idea of trying to grasp the idea of The Laws of Physics and the Periodic table of Chemistry and the whole point of Integration and how exactly do you solve a function like f(x) or g[h(x)] or how the heart works, and what exactly is Mitosis, or where the differences lies between Meiosis and Mitosis or what is the difference in Anaphase, Telophase, etc. Sure, all those is just only barely even the surfaces of Physics, Chemistry, Additional Math and Biology. And honestly I struggled so much, I gave up. I knew I didn't belong there, I knew I had no motivation to continue studying as everything that I enjoyed to do was stripped away from me. At that moment I guess I felt hopelessly useless because I understood nothing, and needless to say nobody really understood that they really shouldn't be throwing more gasoline into a burning fire. That was when I felt like my world kept burning down, everywhere there was failure, there was judgement, there were disappointment, not only from myself but from a lot of other people. Soon enough, I found myself slipping away from who I really was. Also, I guess my surroundings isn't something I can change. The mindset of those who thinks that tearing someone down is going to make them stand up stronger is super bullshit. I wish someone would understand that. But I know I learned that that's not the way the world works. Anyways, approaching my first month in the States, I had to apply for school, and I was so excited that they offered classes as elective subjects in fields that I had so much interest in. But it hit me hard when I had to pick the classes that I want and if it would benefit me in the future because, being in Year 12 ( Senior Year), they encourage you to pick classes that would be gearing you to the fields that you would want to pursue. And here I am, stuck yet again between what I want to do in the future. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Heck, I really wish I knew. Its super uncanny how I didn't know what I was going to do with my life when I only had two choices. Science or Arts. And now, being blessed with a ton of choices, I still don't know what I want to do, or what I can do. I do have ideas in mind of what I want to do in the future. But needless to say, those are the things that you dream about and not the things that turns into reality. So really, I'm stuck between choosing courses that's going to help me. Because doing what I love, that's going to be amazing. Yes, we do hear a lot of people say that if you find a job that is something you love doing, you won't work a day in your life. But sometimes people do not understand that those things only applies to some people. I'm not trying to be a party pooper, but there are just some fine lines between doing something you love and doing something that earns you some income. Coming from a history of failure and torn down dreams and underachieved goals, I'm hoping that whatever I do this time around will be enough. Though, how do you work towards something when I don't even know what I'm aiming for?  If I geared towards dance, I won't have all the right proportions to do so. Not forgetting how the dancing world is a super tough field to work in. One is that you have to be the best of the best. Second is that its really very hard to find a job. Thirdly, the level of commitment you have to give is pretty hardcore. And if I went for music, heck I'm not talented enough, and neither do I have enough certificates and black and whites to support me. If I went for arts, in terms of drawing, designing, coloring. Lets just say out of 10 times, I only produce something nice maybe about twice, and thats because I got lucky. And if I went for Journalism or something writing orientated. I only write when I'm troubled, and I certainly do not want to be troubled my whole life, even if it meant I earned some money. If I were to be a photographer? I still struggle with the settings up till today, even on holiday, I get so disappointed that my settings that I have on my camera does not produce pictures I want. If I were to go into languages, I'm a jack of all trades, master of none in languages and that sucks. Because right now, I'm stuck. I'm out of options. 

Zoe

Take it, it's yours to break. | Thoughts