Ever since we packed up and left two years and nine months ago, my heart has been yearning for permanence. I'm very fortunate to be able to have a physical house to call home. But the permanence that I'm talking about is the people and a life that is permanent. Now I know, you're thinking "this girl is crazy. nothing in life is permanent." and that is very true. But maybe by permanent I mean something stable, something comfortable, something and some people to call home. And I cannot tell you how much this emptiness and loneliness has got to me in the course of my almost three years.
Everything significant in this period of my life has been done in solitary. I'm not saying I want someone to do things for me. I'm not saying I want someone to get a 4.0 GPA for me. I'm saying I want people to celebrate my successes with me. I want people to sit with me as I go through a bad day, I want someone around who will just be. I'm not asking for much. I'm asking for someone to exist in between the little things and be the little things. I'm asking for someone that does not exist halfway across the world, separated by a 15 hour difference who goes to sleep when I wake up and vice versa. I'm asking for the ones who matter to not exist over a 4" screen, or a 21" monitor. I want people who are tangible. I want relationships that are tangible. Ones that can exist in comforting silence. Ones that exist in the form of a reassuring hug or over a cup of coffee, or ones that exist over night drives or just doing absolutely nothing but just be.
Ed Sheeran has a line in one of his songs that goes "success is nothing if you don't have anyone left to share it with" and I always quote him on that because of how true this pertains to me. Nothing that has happened over the past three years has been as important as it should've been because I have nothing permanent.
For some weird reason I'm just feeling more of it this week. I felt like Zoe died 3 years ago and I've become this shell of a person that has learned to exist in the midst of this loneliness and emptiness. And that's really scary.
I hope that one day I'll live instead of choose to exist.
