Dear you,
I don't know why I'm upset, but I guess it's best to be truthful. I have not been in the best place lately. In fact, I feel like I've been one of the worst possible versions of myself, masked with what seems to be normal. It upsets me that because of the distance and because I hardly have any friends here that I do not have anyone around. Nobody physically around. Yet, emotionally, it doesn't seem like anybody's around either. It upsets me every time I get issued an assignment that I need a helping hand with, I have nobody I really trust enough around to help. It demotivates me when I realize that I do not belong anywhere. Home isn't home anymore and right now, where I am makes me feel a stranger in my own skin.
I find it so ironic how right now I have so much freedom. I'm independent enough to drive, I can easily go out. But freedom is nothing if you have nobody to share it with. Happiness is nothing if you have no one to share it with. And that's where I'm at. Where the only friends I have exist over a 5 inch screen. And yet, I don't know what goes on in their lives. I go to sleep when they wake up and they go to sleep when I wake up. I know it sounds like I'm moaning about life. Indeed I am. Moving to the US has taught me one thing more than others. Living in the US has taught me how to fake myself. Fake it till you make it. People see what they want to see. People hear what they want to hear.
People back home is so adamant that moving to the US and living here is a dream. To them, they believe that a change of scenery somehow turns my life into a fairy tale. They tell me, "how bad can it be?" Well let me tell you, I am miserable. I am. If moving to the US is such a dream then tell me why I feel so empty. Tell me why I feel like I have nobody. Tell me why I can't make friends. Tell me why I feel like I don't belong and tell me why I have to tell the people who asks how I am without really wanting to know how I am doing that I am fine. Tell me why I feel lonely. Tell me why I feel like a stranger in my own skin. Tell me why I'm not getting more of what life has to offer. Tell me why.
Moving to the US has made me such a bitter person. It's been almost 2 years and I've never felt so lonely in my life. I'm in a far worst place than I can care to admit. I'm so upset and frustrated that my pride and ego refuses to moan to an actual person and let them know exactly how I feel. At the same time, there will be no right words to say. What can a person do through a 5 inch screen? What if all you need is silence and a hug? Can they do that through a 5 inch screen? They can't.
It's been 2 years of this loneliness. 2 years of isolation. 2 years of feeling miserable.
