Being A Teenager.
1. Once you go forward, you can never go back. That's one thing they never told me. When I was younger, all I wanted to do while I watch my brothers go out when they wanted, could go out on weekends, or skip going back to hometowns because they're "older". And there I sat for 16 years, wondering when was my chance. But I didn't realize the amount of things you have to go through to reach that stage. Because for the past one and a half year, I got half of that chance. I got to go out on weekends, I got to make my own plans, I got to have me time without being constantly hammered about me being TOO young or I'm not at that age to be able to go out for a few hours on a Saturday. I could remember wishing wanting to have my weekends alone, without my parents. Not so I can do something rebellious but so I can have a breather. But ever since we've been growing up, my brothers and I, I hate to admit the amount of family time we've had. We didn't have much. Because between the three of us, I would say we had quite a big age gap and I spent half of my life growing up, arguing with my second brother, and that same half getting along with my first brother. Approaching this second half, or rather one quarter, I miss the family times we have had. Because everyone's grown up, there's barely a time we all sit down at the dining table for a meal. Or birthdays aren't taken seriously anymore. Road trips barely matter because someone is ought to have their own plans in the middle. I can't say it doesn't break my heart because it does. But yeah, once you go forward, (in this case, as you grow.) you may never go back. So my tip, enjoy every second of your family time. Because those people are the ones who will have your back no matter what the cost. They are the ones who has unconditional, unexplained love for you. They've seen you at your worst, at your best, all of you, and regardless of who you are, they love you.
2. Falling in love. Haha, this is exciting. Well, what can I say about this? The whole, "don't get a boyfriend/girlfriend until you're older" thing. There are a few things they don't tell you about this. Your feelings are not a switch you can turn on or off. That's one thing. They might only tell you not to get into a relationship (or maybe they won't hoping you would read their mind. haha, who does that?) And so you do what every teenager who THINKS they're in love does, go behind your parents' back or something. Its frustrating enough that they expect you to know their expectations of you, to top it all off, they look at you like they're extremely disappointed at you when you do something they didn't exactly tell you not to do. And not to mention the absolute no support when I was falling down to my deep dark hole. Mmmm hmmm. Moving on, I guess this one a lot of people do tell you. First Love Is The Hardest. Sticking to the love subject, yep, first love is the hardest. Your first one is the one who makes you believe in love, and that someone other than your family can love you just as much for who you are. He/She would be, at one point of your life, your support system, your source of joy, your best friend, your easiest hello and your hardest goodbye. You'd sit there thinking to yourself, "he/she is the one who complements me, not completes me." (Because, do note that we're already complete. A loved one brings out your best, and vice versa. You don't need another person to complete you. You already are. :) ) So anyways, first loves are the most beautiful. Some people make it all the way, some don't. And to those who don't, I guess what they never told you was how hard it would be to wake up one day and realize that that someone that you were with, for a year, maybe more, maybe less, you just realize that that person is gone. The things you used to know about them, your inside jokes, the things you've learned from them, the things you've learn about them, they hardly matter anymore. There's just this one big fat hole where your heart used to be. And that the way it hurts, no amount of words can explain how much it hurts. It's like looking into the mirror, not knowing who you are anymore. Not because you let the other person define you. But because there was always this other half, with you against the world, together. Somehow somewhere though, for me, I just found myself falling. Not because I wanted to, but because that was the only way I knew how to self destruct. It was like breaking into a million pieces and no amount of physical pain could top what was breaking on the inside. It messes you up. It causes you to dysfunction. It's like if you had bruises and cuts, you would heal. It would heal. But what can you do on the inside? Cut yourself open and stitch yourself up? What's there to stitch up? You can't find it because it doesn't exist. Because all that pain is somewhere you can't physically reach. It eats you up. Your mind, your feelings, everything. At the age of 16, or 14 when I was, nobody can tell you if you were really in love or you weren't. Because they didn't know how you felt, they didn't know what you went through. So yes, I am proud to say I have been in love. And I am honored to know what it feels like to love someone for who they are and what it feels like to be loved through all my imperfections. To choose to listen than yell, to understand than accuse, to be a leaning tower of strength and to do things not because its an obligation, but because of willingness and because your love for someone is stronger than your selfishness.
3. You'll screw up. You know what else they never tell you? And THAT IT IS OKAY. Yep. That's what they never told you. We will screw up. We're human and I cannot imagine how hard that is to believe. I'm guessing that our perception on failure is that we have to find ways to stop failing, to stop screwing up, to be perfect. But gosh, I have spent more than five miserable years of my life just trying to be "perfect". To be the one who got good grades, who didn't disappoint their parents, who was always perfect, the one who always said everything right, did everything right. Ahh, well, honestly, I think that's one super wrong way to go around things. The whole idea of screwing up is pretty intriguing. Why? Because when you screw up, you learn. Like for example, if you're gonna cook an onion omelette, put in the onions first and make sure they're caramelized before you toss the eggs in or you'll have a really sloppy looking and tasting omelette. Or if you're going to have a long shower, don't block off the drainage and flood the bathroom AND the connecting bedrooms to it and THEN cry your eyes out for wanting to have some fun. OR maybe the fact that you don't pour hot wax down a water pipe, only to find it BLOCKED right after. Or you should always use a chopping board while chopping things up, or you'll end up chopping your fingers off too. And maybe, if you plan on locking your room door, remember your key first. Maybe if you're going to blow out a candle, don't blow too hard or hot wax WILL spill on you and burn you. And the best one, don't try to fly or you'll end up falling off a ceiling, breaking a ladder while at it, leaving a hole in your ceiling and end up with a long lightning looking scar from the middle of your back to the side of it. YUP. Those are a few of the things that I have done and can tell you now to not do. Same goes with everything you screw up with in life. Big or small, you learn. And what parents or people in general these days fail to deliver is that its okay to screw up and it's okay if your kids screw up. A little support wouldn't hurt. A simple, "its okay, now you know.". Or a hug would do, honestly. But no. They will continue to keep tearing you down. And bloody hell, have you ever screwed up so badly, feel like your face has been completely stripped bare only to be ridiculed for what you did, THEN get a lecture for how badly you screwed things up AND feel like a complete failure only to stand up with the perception and mindset of, "I NEED TO BE PERFECT." That is wrong beyond words, and I cannot imagine how long it took me to tell myself that it didn't matter what everyone else thought of my failure. I'm learning from this, and I shouldn't bother about how they deal with me failing.
4. You don't live to please. You don't. Yes, you do want to make your parents proud, achieve goals, be this amazing daughter/son/student that EVERYONE is proud of. I have never been much of that person. I haven't been the "great dancer" everyone talks about. I have never been that "excellent pianist" everyone spoke about, or that "perfect, high scoring, straight A student" the teachers talked about, and neither have I been that "great, prim and proper, big goals, perfect daughter". I remember spending 3 years of high school literally torturing myself for every little disappointment and failure I went through. What was my main goal? It was to "Please others and make them super proud of me". At that time, I told myself, if I could make them proud, then maybe I would finally be content with myself. Little did I realize, that was what killed me alongside the fact that I didn't know who I was after losing someone so dear to me. So yeah, I tried so hard to perfect everything. At that time, I was still dancing. And being a dancer, I was a perfectionist. And every little thing. So I could put on a great show, so I could be perfect. Nothing was enough, there was no limits. I would push myself off any cliff if it meant I would be perfect, and they would be proud and I would be amazing and recognized. But honestly, that is so wrong. And sick. Don't get me wrong. It is good to be able to aim high, to want to make people proud, to have big goals, and have a positive mindset. But it's not all that great once you start to lose track of who you are, and when you start doing things for other's and relying on the feedback of others to determine how content you are about yourself. Aim high, dream big and work hard. But before you do that, accept yourself for who you are. All your imperfections and your assets, so nobody can tear you down, and you work your way up from there.
5. "You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight." - Jorges Luis Borges.
Here's what I wished I told myself 2 years ago. "It's okay if you aren't a dancer or a pianist anymore." Why? When I was younger, like almost a decade ago, all I did was play the piano and dance. And I thought that was what I would be doing my whole life. Because that made me happy. Because I was in love with what I did. So I built my futures around it. That I would do something along the lines of music and dance. My mind was so made up. I was so sure. But around 2 years ago when everything started to fall, this big dream of mine fell too. As I fell into that deep unending chasm of darkness, while I was too busy finding myself, too busy beating myself up for being so screwed up, had no support that told me that it was okay, because everywhere I went, they made me feel like I needed to put on a perfect glass mask and that failure wasn't an option, I lost the passion for dance, music, everything. I lost it. Also, I wasn't the very best at it. I wasn't some child prodigy that was good at something. I wasn't very good at dance, or music. I just floated by. So when I lost everything, I lost myself too. So I did what every other human being like me did. I gave up and I beat myself up for it for years. Though I still don't have any leads as to what I'm going to do in the future, I guess I need to keep a optimistic mind that I'll find something one day. Sooner rather than later.
6. Goals. Here's one thing the didn't really tell you about goals. The goals that you set for yourself, its okay if you don't reach it. Let me remind you again, you're human. I set a lot of goals for myself. Even the impossible ones. And when I was so convinced I would magically say, score a slam dunk just by jumping, I would reach it. No, it takes practice. And it's okay if you don't reach it. We all fail sometimes, and we don't always reach our goals, just like our New Year Resolutions list. If you're one of those who does do what you say you'd do on your New Years Resolution list, Champagne for you my friend. The point is, don't give up. You're not alone in the "I haven't reached my goals" or the "I have no goals" boat. There are quite a handful of us in there and I'm here to tell you something that they never told you about : Don't give up, don't give in. If you don't quit, you'll win. Don't worry about trying to be optimistic. I struggle with that too, every single day. And that its alright.
7. Support. Growing up in an Asian family, with a little bit of the Asian mindset, the support that you crave for, the hug, the pat on the back, the "I'm proud of you", the "its okay, try again next time." or even the "I know you did your best." or some sort of encouragement that you need from them that you've never gotten even though you've worked your ass off, doing all you can, knowing that it wasn't the best, but it was enough. Well, I spent every living day, up till now really, feeling very frustrated as to why I can't get the support that I need. But instead, I get torn down, every single time because that the only way they know how to show their love. Because they want their best for you, because they want better for you. Yup, thats hard to believe considering how much they tear you down. I know. I have felt rage and anger and disappointment, and even the fact that I want to scream my lungs out because of how unfair it can be. Here's one thing they'll never tell you. It's not going to happen. Hard to accept, I know. I've been there, I'm here. But yes, its not going to happen. But here's what I know that I have had a lot of trouble admitting it. They love you. They want the best for you. What are unsaid words with venomous actions, right? But I'm serious. They do love you. But the saddest thing is the support that we need isn't always there. This is a hard subject for me. Its one of those things that I can't talk about without shedding a tear because that wound is so fresh and deep because through my entire phase of not being enough, and being torn down so I lost my passion and heart to dance and music, its hard to admit because its sad to say that the words of "encouragement" used to "pull me up" was what brought me down. It was also hard to believe that it was all out of love. And I feel sorry for the kids who do not have that verbal support, because I know what it feels like. You keep waiting one day for that simple, "I know you did your best" or the "I'm proud of you." or that pat on the back, but no matter how hard you've tried, it still doesn't seem like enough. Here's what I'm telling you. You are enough. What you've done is enough. So keep striving for more. Be content with you, stand strong, be firm, chin up and never back down. I've wanted that support for the longest time ever. And It breaks my heart that I'll never have it. But this is what we do. We deal with it. We accept it and we walk on, hoping for that slight smile and that "I'm proud of you.".
So that's my take on the 7 Things They Never Tell You. I hope you've had a good read. :)
Zoe
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