Overthinking.

Have you ever had that moment in time when you realize that the things that you call yours aren't really yours to begin with? I've been having a few of those moments these few days. In someways, it makes me hold on to somethings tighter and in other ways, it makes me worry less about the things that aren't going the way I expected. 

I would call myself a very meticulous person. I also really like it when things go according to plan, I like it when I know things so that I don't worry so much. Obviously, life doesn't work that way. Life is unexpected. Life is spontaneous. Life is full of surprises at every corner, good and bad. Because of that, I find it really hard to "be alive" sometimes. Not in the suicidal way, more of the life-gets-really-tiring-sometimes way. Actually, almost all the time. 

I battle with myself a lot. Lately, it's been a battle of shutting my mind off and stopping all unnecessary over thinking. Usually, I let it consume me and suffocate me because all I do is think and keep those thoughts to myself. I'm really trying my best to not let my thoughts consume me all the time. Ironically, the more I try to pray, commit it to God and talk myself out of my unnecessary thoughts, the harder it gets. It doesn't mean that it's not working though, I believe that it's because it is that's why it's getting harder and harder.

I honestly do not know when and how I developed this tendency to worry and think so much. I'd like to say that I was a carefree child who had a really bright and sunny childhood. But now that I think back on it, I realize how much I kept to myself and how much I worried as a kid. That's just daunting. Let's just say that I have been an overthinker for 19 years. Let's just put it that way. I'd say overthinking is my guilty pleasure. It's something that isn't good for me, but yet I do it anyway. I don't know why I do it, but I do it anyway. And it drives me insane. Sometimes it feels like it eats bits and pieces of me from the inside out. It exhausts me emotionally, it drives me insane. It makes me feel things that I don't want to feel: doubt, disappointment, sadness and sometimes even anger. 

Overthinking is also one of those things where I don't talk to people about. It's one of those things that seems HUGE to me and the moment I start putting them in words, I realise exactly how stupid it is. But yet, I constantly feel like I'm David battling Goliath. The great thing is, David did defeat Goliath. The hardest part for me is, I feel like I'm David battling Goliath a few times a day. Overthinking is like a broken record that keeps playing over and over again even though I know that I've been through this and there is absolutely nothing wrong. 

Overthinking things makes me feel so foolish and weak because I'm the one thing that's causing me to feel defeated. It makes me feel like I'm crippled. Like how I have to take time out of my day to just breathe and recollect myself just because my brain decides that it has things to worry about. It's also my battle. Unfortunately, nobody else can win this for me. Nobody can snap their fingers and make it all better. Not even I can snap my fingers and make it all better. I can try my hardest to do my best to make it all better. Not all days are like this anymore. It's been getting better and I feel very thankful that it is. But I guess tonight is just one of those nights where I feel defeated. It's one of those nights where I've let it get to me, yet again. It's one of those nights where I want to be alone to sulk about the things that I shouldn't even be sulking about. It's one of those nights where I feel like my world is crumbling at my feet and I can do nothing but watch. It's one of those nights where I just want to lie down in exhaustion, hoping to find rest, but not being able to get any. It's the night where I let my thoughts consume me so that I can sort them out and tell myself yet again how stupid all this is. 

I let them suffocate me tonight so that when I wake up tomorrow, I get to breathe and the brightness of this summer sun will ensure that my little dark cloud that follows me around everywhere will not be there in the morning. 

I'm my biggest enemy.

Yes, it's been awhile. But I guess I had to write this down after having this thought earlier today. This week has been a roller coaster. Of really really good days mixed in with a little bit of bad. Then today, I realized that I'm my biggest enemy. I'm my biggest bully. But I'm also my biggest victim. Has anyone else realized that? 

Here's what I mean by "I'm my biggest bully". I'm the first to discourage myself. I'm the first to convince myself that things are really bad. I'm the first to say "you're ugly" when I check my appearance before leaving the room. I'm the first to say "you can't do it" when I'm facing an obstacle. I'm always the one to convince myself that I have hit rock bottom. I'm the one to tell me that I'm lonely and I'm worthless. I'm the one who says that I'm not qualified and that I'm not good enough. I'm the one that does not allow myself to enjoy the little things in life. I am the one who convinces myself that I do not deserve happiness. I'm the one who's stealing my own happiness. 

To be extremely honest, I should be the one encouraging myself. I should be the first to say that things aren't bad, they are bearable. Because from the outside looking in, someone would say that I can do it. They'll say that I'm beautiful and they'll tell me that I'm strong enough. They'll say that I'm not lonely and that I'm worthy. They'll say that I'm more than good enough and more than qualified. They'll be the one providing the joy in the little things, and they'll also be the ones who contributes to the happiness that I deny myself. 

It's so weird that someone from the outside looking in has a better view of the bigger picture than I do. I wonder why people do this to themselves. I wonder why we're always the first to drag ourselves down and the last to pull ourselves up. I'd say that I've grown a lot emotionally from where I was two years ago in the Pre-USA Zoe era. Pre-USA Zoe would not have realized this. I know how easy it is to stay down. But it's so tiring. It's so tiring to stay down all the time. And it's an uphill battle every single day. 

It's heartbreaking how much I bully myself every single day. But this is not me. The loneliness, the depressed and the pessimistic mindset are things that has stuck to me as I grew up. The sad, heavy hearted, confused, conflicted person is not who I am, it's really just the things/habits that I have accumulated along the way. I feel like I need to start prying them off me. I'm too busy suffocating myself with my thoughts to the point where I can't breathe.

I don't know why people do this to themselves. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's exhausting.