Upon moving to the States and trying to get used to everything here, there was also one more thing I needed to do after settling down (aside from getting my driver's license of course *winks*) but as I was saying, I also needed to register for school because I'm basically stuck in the middle of somewhere, I wouldn't say nowhere. But back home, it was easy, it was simple. School only provided you with two options
Science Stream, or Arts. And I honestly belonged in neither. But I'm pretty sure most of everyone felt that way too. Neither did we have a choice. I honestly remember how I wished for more choices, and being able to study what I want and pursue it, because at that moment I guess you can say I was pretty certain of what I wanted to do. But I was put into Science Stream, and I honestly really thought I could do it because I did pretty well from what I expected in my PMR back in 2012. Little did I know though, the whole idea of trying to grasp the idea of The Laws of Physics and the Periodic table of Chemistry and the whole point of Integration and how exactly do you solve a function like f(x) or g[h(x)] or how the heart works, and what exactly is Mitosis, or where the differences lies between Meiosis and Mitosis or what is the difference in Anaphase, Telophase, etc. Sure, all those is just only barely even the surfaces of Physics, Chemistry, Additional Math and Biology. And honestly I struggled so much, I gave up. I knew I didn't belong there, I knew I had no motivation to continue studying as everything that I enjoyed to do was stripped away from me. At that moment I guess I felt hopelessly useless because I understood nothing, and needless to say nobody really understood that they really shouldn't be throwing more gasoline into a burning fire. That was when I felt like my world kept burning down, everywhere there was failure, there was judgement, there were disappointment, not only from myself but from a lot of other people. Soon enough, I found myself slipping away from who I really was. Also, I guess my surroundings isn't something I can change. The mindset of those who thinks that tearing someone down is going to make them stand up stronger is super bullshit. I wish someone would understand that. But I know I learned that that's not the way the world works. Anyways, approaching my first month in the States, I had to apply for school, and I was so excited that they offered classes as elective subjects in fields that I had so much interest in. But it hit me hard when I had to pick the classes that I want and if it would benefit me in the future because, being in Year 12 ( Senior Year), they encourage you to pick classes that would be gearing you to the fields that you would want to pursue. And here I am, stuck yet again between what I want to do in the future. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Heck, I really wish I knew. Its super uncanny how I didn't know what I was going to do with my life when I only had two choices. Science or Arts. And now, being blessed with a ton of choices, I still don't know what I want to do, or what I can do. I do have ideas in mind of what I want to do in the future. But needless to say, those are the things that you dream about and not the things that turns into reality. So really, I'm stuck between choosing courses that's going to help me. Because doing what I love, that's going to be amazing. Yes, we do hear a lot of people say that if you find a job that is something you love doing, you won't work a day in your life. But sometimes people do not understand that those things only applies to some people. I'm not trying to be a party pooper, but there are just some fine lines between doing something you love and doing something that earns you some income. Coming from a history of failure and torn down dreams and underachieved goals, I'm hoping that whatever I do this time around will be enough. Though, how do you work towards something when I don't even know what I'm aiming for? If I geared towards dance, I won't have all the right proportions to do so. Not forgetting how the dancing world is a super tough field to work in. One is that you have to be the best of the best. Second is that its really very hard to find a job. Thirdly, the level of commitment you have to give is pretty hardcore. And if I went for music, heck I'm not talented enough, and neither do I have enough certificates and black and whites to support me. If I went for arts, in terms of drawing, designing, coloring. Lets just say out of 10 times, I only produce something nice maybe about twice, and thats because I got lucky. And if I went for Journalism or something writing orientated. I only write when I'm troubled, and I certainly do not want to be troubled my whole life, even if it meant I earned some money. If I were to be a photographer? I still struggle with the settings up till today, even on holiday, I get so disappointed that my settings that I have on my camera does not produce pictures I want. If I were to go into languages, I'm a jack of all trades, master of none in languages and that sucks. Because right now, I'm stuck. I'm out of options.
Zoe
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