So often I had found myself in time and time again wishing for fresh starts and going to some place new where nobody knows me and start again. I'm pretty sure almost everybody has had that thought before. Though, what nobody tells you is that it sounds better than it is. Moving to somewhere new, to a place where nobody knows you, to a place far from home doesn't change you. It doesn't erase your past, it doesn't undo your mistakes, it doesn't make the wrong turn into rights. When you move, everything but the people you love and the place you grew up in goes with you. One plane ride to another, it doesn't change who you are. It doesn't change your struggles, it doesn't change your ups and downs. It isn't a restart button. It doesn't give you a free visit down memory lane with editing and omiting options. Whoever that you are a few plane rides before, that's still who you are. Here's one thing moving does do for you. It gives you a chance to learn from your mistakes and put those mistakes into good use. But it doesn't change the fact that the mistakes are still there. Sure, nobody else knows what you did, where you come from, what you've been through or who you are, but you know. You know exactly everything that you've been through, you know exactly even crook and corner of yourself and all that you have done, the people you have met, the people you loved, the ones who walked away and also the ones you walked away from. You also knows the years you've caused and the ones who caused your tears. You also know your failures and the goals you didn't achieve and the tests you flunked. You know yourself better than anyone will ever do and moving somewhere far away doesn't, not for a single mili second change all of that. This is the part where I tell you people do not know what exactly they're wishing for when they say that they wished they could have live life differently in a new place when everything gets too much. Honestly I wouldn't do almost anything to be home right now, back to school, have the people I love where I can see them often, be in the same timezone as them. I want comfortable. And its not wrong to want comfortable. But sometimes it isn't very fun to not even fit in a place that you're supposed to start off new. There will be things that you'll want back and things you don't want at all. But we have no say in that. We deal with what we're given and that has been the way it is since the beginning of time. What I'm trying to say is moving thousands of miles away from home does not make everything okay again. It doesn't fix anything from the past and it won't fix everything in the future. If our problems are the one thing we're running from, then yes a new start sounds amazing. But what if the one that were trying to run away from is yourself? That's most certainly impossible. You can abandon looking in the mirror everyday because of the fear and the person carrying all those baggage in your reflection, but don't deny the fact that if you don't deal with the things you're running away from, you won't need a mirror to tell you that you have things you should be dealing with. Even lying in bed, staring into space is enough to create a ringing in your mind that you need to start moving on, or close chapters, or have change take place or even accept the change that has to take place and maybe even keep some chapters closed. My whole point is that moving to somewhere new doesn't erase your memories and gives you a clean slate. If its anything, it doesn't erase your memories, it makes them appear more often. You'll find yourself walking down more memory lanes than you can ever imagine. Reminiscing about almost everything that you wish you could have back. And then, you'll also find yourself being reminded of that clean slate you'll want but can't have. If being in a new place where nobody knows me is such an amazing thing that everyone wishes for, then what am I missing out on?
- Zoe
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