Here are somethings that someone should have told you when you were 14 or even 15. There's nothing wrong with you. The numbers on the scale, the inches of your waist, the size of your jeans, the width of your thighs. Nothing of it was wrong. You're imperfectly imperfect and life's greatest obstacle isn't the number of friends or likes on Facebook, the amount of notifications you get everyday, the amount of followers on Instagram or even the amount of friends you have in real life. In regards of friends, all you really needed was one. And believe me when I tell you that now you have 3 you can ring up anytime you need and they are there. And yes, you did end up moving to the United States and in a way you did do something related to writing. The one thing that you were so scared of when people encouraged you to take it seriously. Even though this blog isn't something that everyone would read, but this is my version of a vlog channel on YouTube. This is my life I'm documenting in words and pictures - the best way I know how.
My dear, it's okay to worry. But don't let it eat you up. Don't let it eat you up like it did. Worry comes with life. But at the same time, worrying sets boundaries and cuts relationships faster than lightning. IT isolates you from others and it pushes people away even if you didn't mean it. It's okay to question life. It's okay to wonder why wake up in the first place. It's alright to think about where strength comes from, it's okay to feel hurt and be hurt. But don't dwell on it too long. It's okay to stay down. But get up when you're ready. Heck, get up even when you don't feel like doing so. It's okay to feel like you're drifting away from people and the ones closest to you because the thing is, I wish someone had told me this earlier : You have friends for a reason, a season and the selected ones stay forever. Do not worry about your friends and how long they're going to be in your life. Do not think that your efforts were not good enough to keep up a friendship. Because here's the funny thing about friendships, when it matters, your efforts feel effortless and there's no pressure as to if he or she is replying, it doesn't bother you because that friendship is strong. Long distance friendship isn't easy. But with the right people it is. If you read this when you were 14, would you believe me if I told you that you're in the United States, Audrey is now in Australia, Brenda went to Italy and came back, Lin is actually your best friend now, as opposed to how much she hated you before, you're strong and you've finally understood the differences between lonely and alone? You wouldn't right?
The thing is, you are enough. You are more than enough. No you did not start driving at 17, you still have no idea where to go with life, you're still clueless and a little bit scared of the future. You aren't depressed anymore, you just feel a lot. Things still effect you, but you're handling it better now. Things do get better in time. Don't waste time on the friends who care about themselves or the ones who questions your existence. Don't waste time on the girl who made you feel like complete crap and don't feel guilty for walking out of that friendship. Don't be afraid to end a relationship that was hurting both you and him even if you still loved him then and there, despite the fact that people break up when they aren't in love and not the opposite. Don't hate family reunions back at Alor Star, don't hate having to go there every weekend of your life and not having a life of your own like your brothers did. Because when you're far away from home, you'd give anything for another weekend like that. Do not be afraid to feel the need to reflect and have alone time, because if the people that were in your life was placed there for a reason, they'd respect the space you need. Do try out YouTube, but trust me when I tell you that you express things in words and pictures rather than videos and talking to a camera.
Now, despite the stupid amounts of blogs that you have deleted and created, don't let it stop you from trying again because this blog is going to save your life when you're 17. Writing has saved your life in many many ways. It has kept you sane, even if nobody reads it. Even if posting rants and sad, emo posts hasn't been the most flattering, it's a reminder that we're all human. And there's an ugly side to it. But always remember that behind the ugliness is beauty. Beauty that cannot amount to the amount of sunsets you've watched, or shooting starts you've stayed up to see, weddings you've been to or even that girl staring back into the mirror. It's more than that. It's okay to be sad, but don't accept sadness as a part of yourself. Don't accept depression as who you are. Just don't. Your name means life. Zoe means life and you have brought life into different things in different ways. Being life doesn't mean making people cheery or being the lift of the party. Life can also mean opening up people's eyes to different perspectives, showing people a different angle of things through your photos, your writings, your actions and your words. Strive to be a better person each day. You have it in you.
Give a crap about your grades. Don't let a breakup or the fact that you have given up dancing and playing the piano ruin you. Yes, you end up omitting the things in your life that you deemed your "core" because that was what defined you. After a decade of dancing and playing the piano, you're going to let it go. And it's going to hurt, it's going to hurt you bad. But the thing is, you're going to get over it and you're going to understand that not everything lasts forever and that it's more than okay to mourn, more than okay to get a little lost more than okay to hurt. Not a lot of people are going to understand you, you're going to meet a lot of people who deem you as sad and emo, you're going to meet people you can't stand and people you'd stay away from. You're going to be a leader in the little things. I know how you always try to tame the leadership flame in you. Why do that when leadership skills isn't for everyone? Learn to embrace yourself, learn to embrace you qualities, your beauty but also learn to embrace your faults. Not in a way where you turn down everyone's opinions and be mister right, but embrace it in a way where you're humble and are prepared for change and critiques.
But most of all, do not be afraid. Do not be afraid to step out of your bubble sometimes. Do not be afraid to say yes on that Sunday you were asked to hang out with people you met less than an hour ago. Do not be afraid to be an extrovert once in a while. Do not be ashamed of your introverted qualities. How you don't like crowds and how you don't like interacting with people. Do not be afraid to be alone, but most of all, do not feel alone. Do not sham yourself and do not look down on yourself. Because the only opinion about yourself that matters is yours. How are others supposed to look up to you if you don't look up to yourself? Adding on to that, learn to love yourself. Love yourself and all your imperfections for you're the only Zoe Loh to ever exist. Isn't that amazing? You're the only one. Appreciate that and make it count.
Listen to your heart. Don't let the opinions of others effect you. Wear that red lipstick out on a Sunny day if you want, don't wear foundation, it's all up to you. But most importantly, understand that standing up for yourself is not being mean to others. It's protecting yourself. Do not let people push you around, do not make excuses for their mistakes. If he's not putting an effort into the friendship and you're the only one sending strings of "hi's" and you're getting no replies, stop trying even if he was a good friend. If she's making you want to rake her face off, stop being friends. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, please, walk away. If she thinks calling you hairy, asking you to shave off all the hair on your arms and legs because it freaks her out and its not something that she's used to seeing, thinking that it's okay, stop being friends. Close the door, walk out. Because better doors are going to open. You're never stuck. Life isn't a movie. Don't expect everything to be magical, but at the same time, don't stop dreaming. It's okay to love. But know that you'll get hurt from it. Give, but don't give it all. Letting go isn't easy, but it's possible with time.
Sincerely,
Zoe // 2015
That was all I could think of at this moment. I know it isn't a cheery post for the New Year's, but this blog is an extension of my feelings, a document of my life. So yes, if it's okay with you, I'd like to do that and have maybe my 21 year old self read this over and see how much this has changed. Just like I said above, I'm not sad. I just feel a lot.
What would you tell your younger self, if you had the chance?
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