Love

Love is a funny thing. Love eats you, love questions you. It makes you stronger, it drives you nuts. I don't know, really. Love can be split up into so many different things. Love for an object, love for a person, love for your friends, love for a family member, love for your best friend, love for a pet. I found myself in all positions. Love is, I wouldn't say voluntarily. But it isn't something you can help. Like loving a family member or falling in love or breathing. even. It just happens. You can't choose who you love as much as you get to choose which family you were born into. If you'll be a Lee or a Tan, or an Andrews or a Rodneys or Millers, Andersons, a Loh, Low, Leow or an Ooi. You don't get to choose. 

Yesterday was one of the days that hit me hard. I didn't know if I wanted to write about it. But I figured that this is me, journaling my thoughts for hopefully the future me to come back to and realize how stupid her past younger self was. Yesterday was hard. It was one of those days where I was disappointed, I started crying in a public place and I didn't stop even until I got home. I'm one of those people who since the day she was born has hoped for a more loving family than I'm in. Which may sound ungrateful, but let me put this into your heads. Have you ever seen your friend's families and they actually put an effort into spending family time together, they're parents are supportive and doesn't tear you down all the time, Somehow somewhere in your life, you have been disappointed in family. Disappointed in the support you didn't get, the disappointment that makes you question, "why do I love the people who deserves it the least?" Thing is, don't try to kid yourself that you've never been upset with family and make me look like an ungrateful child. Things like this just happens. And thats okay. 

Thing is, yesterday was rough. And I keep reminding myself that we don't love because it's a choice. We just do. And the fact that He first loved us before we loved others. He died for our sins, He forgave us and He loved us regardless. It's hard for us to reflect that onto others, as we are only human. And being human, I hate it. I hate having to love and hurt again. I hate just pouring out love only to be backfired with disappointment and all these hurtful words and support I never got.

I grew up in a family that doesn't have a lot of words for each other. There's a lot of aimless blabbering of words meant to tear you down, instead of those who would build you up when you're in need of support. It's those that consists of one sided conversations than an actual discussion. It's one where that one person is always right. Always. And never admits they're wrong. No apology because everyone is wrong. The one that shoots bullets instead of keeping things short and sweet. One who speaks a thousand words instead of takes a picture. It's one that makes me one to leave, but I know I love them too much to go.   

It's the same with falling in love. It's hard work, it's a pain and it's worth it. After all, family is love. It's what it's all about. It drives me mad, it hurts but it's worth it. Just like how it isn't a choice, how it's just the way it bloody is.  For those of you who has fallen in love, you would know it takes hard work. I don't know if in the end if it was worth it for you but I hope it was because that's when you know its real. I'm no genius. Look how things turned out. But that's not the point. I believe that all of these comes in phases. Some people find the love of their lives early, some finds it much later in life. And yes, I would presume that you yearn for company in the midst of your single life. 

It's been hard, I admit. Having to move to a new place. not having the one as a backbone, or just having that someone to lay all this baggages down and just breathe for a while. Honestly I don't even know how I do it sometimes. People who know me would know that I push people away very often. I guess it's just a reflex of just not wanted to get hurt again. After one real experience and it was hard to open up again. There has been endless amount of sleepless nights and tears and just pure isolation and loneliness on this new adventure in the past almost 7 months. I admit I don't try much either. I'm that one girl who knows that if I was meant to have a friend, that person would just come along. I don't know what your view on this is, but I see it as if it was meant to be, it'll come along.

I've said this so many times that I'm okay with solitary. But I'm just not and I'm tired. Life is tiring. Loving is tiring. Holding everything together is tiring. It's all so bloody hard. And I guess in someways this is my own way of laying down my baggage for a bit. Because timezone is crap, sleepless nights are ass and you can't hold people back from moving on with their lives. Nobody is going to put their things on pause and sit here to mope. Everybody is taking a step towards their future, moving on and getting on with life. It really is up to you how you want to do it. I'm moving on with life. Just some nights I really like just putting down my weights and just sit here. Everyone has their own ways with dealing with their troubles. And this is mine, so if you have a problem with that, that's okay. Don't let me hold you back.


Sorry for such a crap post again, you guys. I just needed a way to let things go and breathe a little bit. If you're still reading and has read through all my crap since June, thank you, I sayang yous.

Bye.