So my whole life I've never been surrounded with words of encouragement that came from my two strong pillars. And then I remember for 17 years of my life I have just watched from the sidelines of my friends and their super supportive family and all I've gotten really is their or rather his, insane theory of tearing you down so you get back up. Which really, really pisses me off. It makes me wonder if I'm going to be like that in the future. If say I do have kids, would they be disappointed that I don't give them enough support?
Because really I've really been deprived of encouragement from the people I need it most from. And it is definitely naive to hope that something that has never been there for 17 years will just suddenly appear. It really won't. But I'm just so disheartened by the fact that I've never had the encouragement I needed that actually caused the fact that I've lost my dreams and things that brings joy to my life.
And that really is what I hate most about family. You love them without a choice. No matter how much hell they put you through, your heart just loves them. And that's the hardest part. Loving someone when they least deserve it. But it's also the biggest reminder that that's what a family is all about. We will always find people in our lives that loves us when we least deserve it. But what I don't get is when someone does something so over the line, so absurd that it already becomes such a habit that everyone just shuts an eye to.
I do not see the point of tolerating such negativity. The ones that bring you down when you're already at your lowest. Those that adds wood to the fire. The words that has no filtration whatsoever that really just hurts the soul. I will always say I'm done, but I'll never be. I'll always be stuck with it. It'll continue to hurt, he will continue to bring others down and we won't have a flipping say in it.
17 years of it, no encouragement, no "good job", no "you did great" no "try again next time", no "I'm proud of you, nothing. I guess if you asked my brother's they would understand. Having a person who reminds you 24/7 that you're not good enough and one who points out all your flaws than actually appreciates you for who you are, that's hard. Somehow somewhere I think both of them has found a switch to turn it off and ignore it. Which is great, because I wish I didn't care. I wish I never listened.
So props to you for constantly tearing people down. I'm so sick and tired of it.
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