I've never really been one of those people in school who mattered a lot. Sure, I did a lot of things in school and I was always involved with activities out of classes like photography, performing, prefect duties, secretary of a club duties and everything but scoring A in my classes. But even through all of that, I wasn't the first thought in everyone's mind when they needed someone or something. I'm not wallowing in self pity. But you guys know the person I'm talking about. That one person who almost always pops into your mind when you need a favor or if you're really just thinking of someone. It's that person that will be talked about years and years after school is behind you, the person you'll sometimes wonder about when you stare into space. Thing is, I've always waned to be that person. I've always wanted to make a bigger impact on people. I've always wanted to be social, I've always wanted that attraction that most people have that I don't. Instead, I'm actually very unapproachable. I'm the one who prefers hanging out in the library when she goes to a new school, the one who likes sitting alone at empty tables and the one who acts like she has a lot to do instead of making friends.
Now, if you know me, or if you're still in my life then you would know that each and every single one of my friendship didn't start from me approaching you first. I guess that's really selfish of me? But I guess, yet again, if you know me, friendships are effortless and if it's meant to be, it'll happen. I'm pretty sure that's exactly why I do not have a lot of friends. But, there's always a but. But, I'm thankful for the small number of friendships that I have that means so much to me, no big enough number can put a cap on it. Sometimes, I do wish I could do it all over again and be someone who matter. I do wish that I didn't have to move and maybe, just maybe I'd have people I can physically run to when I need some support. But instead, I'm stuck with a five inch touch screen and internet and a messaging app with a very challenging thing called different time zones. I often find myself typing up a whole ranty message to one of my bestfriends and deleting it moments after without hitting the send button because I know that when they wake up and read it, I'll be asleep and by the time I wake up, it really won't matter as much anymore. It won't matter as much anymore because all I really want is people to go through life with me as it happens and there's no use to talk about things that upsets me the day after. Well, that's what I say. But look at me, it clearly does upset me or I really wouldn't be up at 2:23AM not being able to sleep and typing this whole ranty blog post.
At the same time, I feel like it's the same for them. Except that two of them are still home and one of them has found herself somewhat settled. Truth be told, I am not settled. My heart is still very well packed up and ready to go home. That's another big word. Home. It has been 478 days, which makes one year, three months and twenty days since I've packed up and left home. You'd think that by now I'd be settled and have a life. But honestly, I have never felt more out of place than I've ever been. Why? Because right now, it's way to long since to still declare, "I moved here not too long ago". It's been too long for it to matter, it's basically old news. People basically assume that I'm settled and I have it all figured out. But honestly, I don't have anything figured out. I just want it all back. Yet, the things I want back wouldn't want me back. Actually, I don't even want to talk about the fact that I came from somewhere else other than here because there's just too much to talk about and most of it doesn't really matter. Nobody gives two thoughts about where you're from and what it's like. I don't even know which place is home anymore because I really don't feel like I belong anywhere. They say don't settle for second best. That's all I can settle for right now.
I keep wanting to be like everybody else because it feels like there's no place in the world for me and then at the same time I have this voice in my head telling me that I'm great the way I am. But after that, I get upset for not being as pretty as her and how my pictures that I take is not as great as his, my body isn't skinny enough like hers and how I cannot sing like her and how my personality is not as great and how I wish I mattered more. I get so busy wanting the things that I shouldn't be wanting and trying to be the wrong person when I should really be me. Well, a little encouragement would do. I know I'm approaching a new chapter in my life and it's really time for me to fess up and act my age, or maybe even more mature than my age. All I've ever wanted for someone to say, "you're doing great" or, "you'll do fine" and for me to actually believe it. I know that nobody gets it easy in this world and nobody gets the "encouragement" that they yearn because we're all alone in this big, cruel, lonely world. I know that me being in such a mess right now is so 14 year old me.
Everybody needs somebody. Maybe I'm just not that somebody that everyone needs.
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