Fear

You know that sense of fear you get when you're afraid of losing something that you love doing because it has became something that you really just hate? That fear of it being completely intimidating to you, the fear of which it ends up tearing you down rather than build you up. Now I'm one of those who has had two of the things I really love to do taken away from me. I guess I don't have anyone else to blame for it but me, but this post isn't about pointing fingers. It's about the whole idea of having something you love to do, something you can lose yourself in, your personal escape.

So in the beginning of everything it used to be dance, and obviously that turned into a disaster. I miss it, but it's not meant to be anymore. Call me a pessimist, but there are times you need to draw the line between dreams and achievable goals. Or in this case, a line between what would make sense and what will not. Then there was music. That didn't turn out very well either. I remember the last day I really played the keys. It was the day I left home. I remember playing it for the last time, just a few minutes before we loaded our bags into the trunk of the car before we drove to the airport. I played my heart out. I cried while playing and that was the last time ever I expressed myself through music. 

So are you one of those people who has a passion for something but you don't know how to get started, or if you're trying to protect yourself from being intimidated by it, or having to risk another goodbye to something you love to do? Yes, welcome to the Zoe club. I like this whole writing thing. The blogging, the taking pictures, the writing, all complied into one. I do like it. Now actually being good at it isn't certain. But I like it. And for leisure wise, it doesn't matter if everyone else reads, or nobody reads at all. It doesn't matter if I suck at it, if nobody likes it, it doesn't matter. Because I like it and it's meant for leisure. For an escape. To build you up, make you fell better, not tear you down. 

For the longest time, I've been trying to blog. Ever since I was around 8 or 9, I started a blog. I remember my first blog. It was called "Flower Princess." Haha, what a name, right? It was one of the piano pieces I was learning at the time and it was the only thing I could come up with at the top of my mind. I am bad a giving names. Thus, Flower Princess. That blog was up for quite a while until I decided that my content was ridiculous, I was embarrassed at my 8 year old self. I had that on for years. I got my classmates which we were friends since pre-school to read them and we'd have a tiny chatbox beside my posts and we'll just leave a message every time they visited. Well, if you guys are reading this, thank you for being my first readers even when we were kids. 

Also for my first blog, my dad helped a lot in my blogging. Shocker huh? He didn't type it out for me, but he did help me get my blog set up, he did give me a lil bit of content, he basically guided me through it. Sometimes he was the one that kept it alive. Haha. I remember I had a post about a pot of purple violet flowers hoping to keep them alive and my dad helped me blog about them. In the end, the flowers died and so did the blog. 

Then came a few other failed blogs, there was a Tumblr blog that failed, two Wordpress ones that I ended up saying, "I'm so done with this.". Then I had another one called "Words to begin with" that one was another fail. It probably doesn't exist now. Then there's a recent one before this one. I was smarter, in a way. I wrote under a different name. I felt more free with that one. I wrote whatever regardless of who would read it, in this case, nobody would've. It was basically the most depressing posts anyone could think of. It was legit just pessimism everywhere on every post. I had that going for quite a while. I didn't delete it though, I'm pretty sure it's still up. But definitely for me to know but for you to find out. Haha 

Then when I landed in the United States, I decided that this wold be my summer project. But as you can see, I've been trying to take care of this blog with a lot of TLC (Tender Loving Care). I hope it's going well, and I hope that you guys like it. Anyways, continuing to my point. So a few of you guys have been encouraging me since a few years ago to venture in the writing area. One of my teachers supported me to send in an application for a newspaper's teen section thing. And I did, I got accepted, but I read the email far too late past the deadline to go any further. Haha. One of my friends too. He was very supportive of my writings. He always suggested I venture into it. 

But being the chicken that I am, because at that time I've just lost two of the things that I've enjoyed doing and I was so busy dwelling in my depression, I really did not believe in myself. Sincere apologies if you were the ones who encouraged me and believed in me but I turned you down. I just didn't believe in myself and had the mentality that I wasn't enough for anything. But anyways, writing comes to me easily. And there's this whole blogging thing that I seriously enjoy. But to be honest, I don't know if I should keep writing as a leisurely activity or actually make it something real. I write when I'm in all types of moods. It helps me sort out my thoughts. But the fear of making it something that you are obligated to do and not something you do for fun is scary don't you think?

There's this whole deal with college and deciding my major which I have to figure out in a month or so to set my mind on it. I want to be certain. I can't work without a plan. 

But anyways guys, this is me asking for feedback about the blog. Do you like it? Do you not? What's the turn off about it? What would you like to read about? Anything about it really. Good or bad, just shoot them because I want to know :) 

Have a great weekend!

Zoe