Its approaching the time of the month where I hit my 4th month here in the States. Kind of a scary thing to look back on, really. 6 months ago Zoe would never have imagined that she's still standing strong and surviving. But I am. And over these 4 months I have learned quite a great deal about things that me staying put and comfortable back home would never have understood.
Pictures from my flight from Malaysia to the US.
So before I begin, here's one of the things I miss.
PANTAI KERACHUT. Well to be honest I've only been once. But I miss the idea of having a beach or rather a place like Batu Ferringhi just a half an hour drive away from the other side of the island.
And the wonderful Penang Bridge.
My double green colored wall.
My candles, my messy wall, my messy cluttered table, my fairy lights.
Things I've learned in the past 4 months.
1. "What's the point?"
When you're slammed in the face with an obstacle or this bus in the face news like, "we're migrating.", there ought to be too many thoughts running through your mind. What went through mine was that I'd have to start over again. And how it took me 17 years to finally feel like I belong, like I have a place in the world, I have my small comfortable group of people I belong in, my weekend church routine and supper after, a few more months away from graduating, a few more months to getting my license. And then I thought, "what's the point?" because my grades were failing, I wasn't good at making new friends, I was hardly an extrovert, I don't want to move, I don't want to leave my friends behind because then our friendships would die down, I would find myself lost again, I won't belong, I'll be alone, yada yada yada. And to be honest, yes, I do still feel lost sometimes, I do still feel like I don't belong. But here's the thing that has changed. I know that there is a point to all this. Like for example, my studies has been the worst it has been for the past year and a half. But not until I started schooling here. I've been getting A's and grades above 90's and its way beyond what I thought I was capable of. It's insane and completely unbelievable. But I know that there's point to all this. There will be uncertainties and a lot of doubts, but deep down there's an assurance that there's a point and purpose to all this. Big Man up there know's what He's doing :)
2. Loneliness.
That's a touchy subject. Well, I have spent almost my first month in school struggling. My favorite hours in school is when class is going on. I hate lunch hours because then I have to worry about where to go, who to sit with, do I sit alone, do I eat, do I just stand like a statue? I hate group works, I hate having to introduce myself, I even hated the fact that I had to explain too many times why my transcripts were not complete, what type of Asian I was, where I was from (considering how a lot of people has never heard of 'Malaysia' ), why and how I was so fluent in English, being stuck in Freshman and Sophomore classes when I was a Senior. And I was a little fish in a big sea. There were tons of things I didn't understand. The system, the terms they use, what a rally is, what Intervention periods are, this and that. I thought that at that moment that I was completely screwed and I'm going to die because things suck so much. But lately it has been getting a little bit better each day. I still hate group work, I still don't feel like I quite belong, but it is getting better. And loneliness will never affect you if you don't allow it to. Because even if you do feel lonely, the people around you really won't even be wondering why you're standing alone by the pillar. People have too much of their own things to worry about that give even a fraction of their minute into wondering about you. Loneliness is often a good thing because it gives you a good amount of time to think about the things around you. What I had going through my mind was whether I was too desperate for company that I would rather feel lonely in a group, or would I rather feel contented alone? Is it worth it to shove my way through and not feel belonged in a group of people? No, it's not. Being lonely has made me realize that I won't do things or put myself in situations where I feel like gauging my eyes out or make me feel even the least uncomfortable. It is important to do things for yourself sometimes. Even if it means an over amount of time to yourself than an over amount of time to people you don't belong to.
3. Friends & Making Friends.
The people that you leave behind, the ones that were really meant to last a lifetime would never feel like anything has changed. Because it shouldn't matter if you talk 24/7 a day or if you see each other everyday, it shouldn't be the determining factor as to if you guys were really great friends. Keeping a friendship doesn't take force at all. There is no need for the existence of forcing a conversation or trying hard to keep things going. The friendships that you try to keep going aren't the ones that will go on. The ones that you can talk when you can and the ones that you know will always be there no matter what, the ones that makes you feel like nothing has changed even after days of not speaking, conversations that flow effortlessly, those are the ones that will follow you till the end. So over these 4 months I have realized that I shouldn't have worried about my friendships when I left. Because distance, if it was meant to be, the friendship would never drift apart. As for those friendships that did drift apart though, it's okay. Because in life, you'll have friends for a reason, a season and till the end of time. Making new friends to me is one of the hardest thing. I can talk to teachers easier than making small talk with people of my own age group. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has this issue. I do take the initiative towards the ones that I think would make great friends. I somehow have never turned out to be the one to make friends with everyone I meet. I guess you can say my inner introvert is very picky. It's because I somehow have this "limited" amount of hours I can socialize before I feel like I've hiked up the tallest mountain on earth, so I really would prefer spending my time socializing with people who I fancy. But to the people who I've been spending my time with, thanks for making me feel less awkward in a new place.
4. "It's okay."
It's okay to miss home, it's okay to breakdown, it's okay to feel like the world is ending sometimes, it's more than okay to cry, it's more than okay to feel shitty about everything, it's probably okay to feel angry at the situation sometimes, it's okay to express yourself, it's okay to take a breather sometimes and it's more than perfectly okay to stop and just stay there for a while. Everyone thinks that being strong means to put up a mask and hide the tears and fake a smile, not tell anyone about their feelings because they would be a coward for crying, whining and expressing themselves. They put such a perception in our minds that being strong means to show no weakness, to be perfect, to never fail. But no. Being strong actually does mean to cry and to breakdown. How does one learn if they don't fall down? To be strong means to fall and get up again. Heck, to be strong means to fall and to TRY to get up again. Because lets be completely honest, when you fall, it is hardly easy to stand up again. Especially when you just keep getting shoved down when you're trying so hard to get up. Over and over again life just pushes you down. And that's hard. But no one is ever alone. And being strong never means hiding behind that mask that smiles and never cries.
To be continued, guys :)
But for now, this is just 4 things for the approaching 4 months.
Zoe
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