A Letter To My Younger Self.

Dear You,

               Here are somethings that someone should have told you when you were 14 or even 15. There's nothing wrong with you. The numbers on the scale, the inches of your waist, the size of your jeans, the width of your thighs. Nothing of it was wrong. You're imperfectly imperfect and life's greatest obstacle isn't the number of friends or likes on Facebook, the amount of notifications you get everyday, the amount of followers on Instagram or even the amount of friends you have in real life. In regards of friends, all you really needed was one. And believe me when I tell you that now you have 3 you can ring up anytime you need and they are there. And yes, you did end up moving to the United States and in a way you did do something related to writing. The one thing that you were so scared of when people encouraged you to take it seriously. Even though this blog isn't something that everyone would read, but this is my version of a vlog channel on YouTube. This is my life I'm documenting in words and pictures - the best way I know how. 

                My dear, it's okay to worry. But don't let it eat you up. Don't let it eat you up like it did. Worry comes with life. But at the same time, worrying sets boundaries and cuts relationships faster than lightning. IT isolates you from others and it pushes people away even if you didn't mean it.  It's okay to question life. It's okay to wonder why wake up in the first place. It's alright to think about where strength comes from, it's okay to feel hurt and be hurt. But don't dwell on it too long. It's okay to stay down. But get up when you're ready. Heck, get up even when you don't feel like doing so. It's okay to feel like you're drifting away from people and the ones closest to you because the thing is, I wish someone had told me this earlier : You have friends for a reason, a season and the selected ones stay forever. Do not worry about your friends and how long they're going to be in your life. Do not think that your efforts were not good enough to keep up a friendship. Because here's the funny thing about friendships, when it matters, your efforts feel effortless and there's no pressure as to if he or she is replying, it doesn't bother you because that friendship is strong. Long distance friendship isn't easy. But with the right people it is. If you read this when you were 14, would you believe me if I told you that you're in the United States, Audrey is now in Australia, Brenda went to Italy and came back, Lin is actually your best friend now, as opposed to how much she hated you before, you're strong and you've finally understood the differences between lonely and alone? You wouldn't right? 

              The thing is, you are enough. You are more than enough. No you did not start driving at 17, you still have no idea where to go with life, you're still clueless and a little bit scared of the future. You aren't depressed anymore, you just feel a lot. Things still effect you, but you're handling it better now. Things do get better in time. Don't waste time on the friends who care about themselves or the ones who questions your existence. Don't waste time on the girl who made you feel like complete crap and don't feel guilty for walking out of that friendship. Don't be afraid to end a relationship that was hurting both you and him even if you still loved him then and there, despite the fact that people break up when they aren't in love and not the opposite. Don't hate family reunions back at Alor Star, don't hate having to go there every weekend of your life and not having a life of your own like your brothers did. Because when you're far away from home, you'd give anything for another weekend like that. Do not be afraid to feel the need to reflect and have alone time, because if the people that were in your life was placed there for a reason, they'd respect the space you need. Do try out YouTube, but trust me when I tell you that you express things in words and pictures rather than videos and talking to a camera. 

                 Now, despite the stupid amounts of blogs that you have deleted and created, don't let it stop you from trying again because this blog is going to save your life when you're 17. Writing has saved your life in many many ways. It has kept you sane, even if nobody reads it. Even if posting rants and sad, emo posts hasn't been the most flattering, it's a reminder that we're all human. And there's an ugly side to it. But always remember that behind the ugliness is beauty. Beauty that cannot amount to the amount of sunsets you've watched, or shooting starts you've stayed up to see, weddings you've been to or even that girl staring back into the mirror. It's more than that. It's okay to be sad, but don't accept sadness as a part of yourself. Don't accept depression as who you are. Just don't. Your name means life. Zoe means life and you have brought life into different things in different ways. Being life doesn't mean making people cheery or being the lift of the party. Life can also mean opening up people's eyes to different perspectives, showing people a different angle of things through your photos, your writings, your actions and your words. Strive to be a better person each day. You have it in you. 

                 Give a crap about your grades. Don't let a breakup or the fact that you have given up dancing and playing the piano ruin you. Yes, you end up omitting the things in your life that you deemed your "core" because that was what defined you. After a decade of dancing and playing the piano, you're going to let it go. And it's going to hurt, it's going to hurt you bad. But the thing is, you're going to get over it and you're going to understand that not everything lasts forever and that it's more than okay to mourn, more than okay to get a little lost more than okay to hurt. Not a lot of people are going to understand you, you're going to meet a lot of people who deem you as sad and emo, you're going to meet people you can't stand and people you'd stay away from. You're going to be a leader in the little things. I know how you always try to tame the leadership flame in you. Why do that when leadership skills isn't for everyone? Learn to embrace yourself, learn to embrace you qualities, your beauty but also learn to embrace your faults. Not in a way where you turn down everyone's opinions and be mister right, but embrace it in a way where you're humble and are prepared for change and critiques. 

                 But most of all, do not be afraid. Do not be afraid to step out of your bubble sometimes. Do not be afraid to say yes on that Sunday you were asked to hang out with people you met less than an hour ago. Do not be afraid to be an extrovert once in a while. Do not be ashamed of your introverted qualities. How you don't like crowds and how you don't like interacting with people. Do not be afraid to be alone, but most of all, do not feel alone. Do not sham yourself and do not look down on yourself. Because the only opinion about yourself that matters is yours. How are others supposed to look up to you if you don't look up to yourself? Adding on to that, learn to love yourself. Love yourself and all your imperfections for you're the only Zoe Loh to ever exist. Isn't that amazing? You're the only one. Appreciate that and make it count.

                   Listen to your heart. Don't let the opinions of others effect you. Wear that red lipstick out on a Sunny day if you want, don't wear foundation, it's all up to you. But most importantly, understand that standing up for yourself is not being mean to others. It's protecting yourself. Do not let people push you around, do not make excuses for their mistakes. If he's not putting an effort into the friendship and you're the only one sending strings of "hi's" and you're getting no replies, stop trying even if he was a good friend. If she's making you want to rake her face off, stop being friends. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, please, walk away. If she thinks calling you hairy, asking you to shave off all the hair on your arms and legs because it freaks her out and its not something that she's used to seeing, thinking that it's okay, stop being friends. Close the door, walk out. Because better doors are going to open. You're never stuck. Life isn't a movie. Don't expect everything to be magical, but at the same time, don't stop dreaming. It's okay to love. But know that you'll get hurt from it. Give, but don't give it all. Letting go isn't easy, but it's possible with time. 

Sincerely, 

Zoe // 2015 

That was all I could think of at this moment. I know it isn't a cheery post for the New Year's, but this blog is an extension of my feelings, a document of my life. So yes, if it's okay with you, I'd like to do that and have maybe my 21 year old self read this over and see how much this has changed. Just like I said above, I'm not sad. I just feel a lot. 

What would you tell your younger self, if you had the chance?  

Love

Love is a funny thing. Love eats you, love questions you. It makes you stronger, it drives you nuts. I don't know, really. Love can be split up into so many different things. Love for an object, love for a person, love for your friends, love for a family member, love for your best friend, love for a pet. I found myself in all positions. Love is, I wouldn't say voluntarily. But it isn't something you can help. Like loving a family member or falling in love or breathing. even. It just happens. You can't choose who you love as much as you get to choose which family you were born into. If you'll be a Lee or a Tan, or an Andrews or a Rodneys or Millers, Andersons, a Loh, Low, Leow or an Ooi. You don't get to choose. 

Yesterday was one of the days that hit me hard. I didn't know if I wanted to write about it. But I figured that this is me, journaling my thoughts for hopefully the future me to come back to and realize how stupid her past younger self was. Yesterday was hard. It was one of those days where I was disappointed, I started crying in a public place and I didn't stop even until I got home. I'm one of those people who since the day she was born has hoped for a more loving family than I'm in. Which may sound ungrateful, but let me put this into your heads. Have you ever seen your friend's families and they actually put an effort into spending family time together, they're parents are supportive and doesn't tear you down all the time, Somehow somewhere in your life, you have been disappointed in family. Disappointed in the support you didn't get, the disappointment that makes you question, "why do I love the people who deserves it the least?" Thing is, don't try to kid yourself that you've never been upset with family and make me look like an ungrateful child. Things like this just happens. And thats okay. 

Thing is, yesterday was rough. And I keep reminding myself that we don't love because it's a choice. We just do. And the fact that He first loved us before we loved others. He died for our sins, He forgave us and He loved us regardless. It's hard for us to reflect that onto others, as we are only human. And being human, I hate it. I hate having to love and hurt again. I hate just pouring out love only to be backfired with disappointment and all these hurtful words and support I never got.

I grew up in a family that doesn't have a lot of words for each other. There's a lot of aimless blabbering of words meant to tear you down, instead of those who would build you up when you're in need of support. It's those that consists of one sided conversations than an actual discussion. It's one where that one person is always right. Always. And never admits they're wrong. No apology because everyone is wrong. The one that shoots bullets instead of keeping things short and sweet. One who speaks a thousand words instead of takes a picture. It's one that makes me one to leave, but I know I love them too much to go.   

It's the same with falling in love. It's hard work, it's a pain and it's worth it. After all, family is love. It's what it's all about. It drives me mad, it hurts but it's worth it. Just like how it isn't a choice, how it's just the way it bloody is.  For those of you who has fallen in love, you would know it takes hard work. I don't know if in the end if it was worth it for you but I hope it was because that's when you know its real. I'm no genius. Look how things turned out. But that's not the point. I believe that all of these comes in phases. Some people find the love of their lives early, some finds it much later in life. And yes, I would presume that you yearn for company in the midst of your single life. 

It's been hard, I admit. Having to move to a new place. not having the one as a backbone, or just having that someone to lay all this baggages down and just breathe for a while. Honestly I don't even know how I do it sometimes. People who know me would know that I push people away very often. I guess it's just a reflex of just not wanted to get hurt again. After one real experience and it was hard to open up again. There has been endless amount of sleepless nights and tears and just pure isolation and loneliness on this new adventure in the past almost 7 months. I admit I don't try much either. I'm that one girl who knows that if I was meant to have a friend, that person would just come along. I don't know what your view on this is, but I see it as if it was meant to be, it'll come along.

I've said this so many times that I'm okay with solitary. But I'm just not and I'm tired. Life is tiring. Loving is tiring. Holding everything together is tiring. It's all so bloody hard. And I guess in someways this is my own way of laying down my baggage for a bit. Because timezone is crap, sleepless nights are ass and you can't hold people back from moving on with their lives. Nobody is going to put their things on pause and sit here to mope. Everybody is taking a step towards their future, moving on and getting on with life. It really is up to you how you want to do it. I'm moving on with life. Just some nights I really like just putting down my weights and just sit here. Everyone has their own ways with dealing with their troubles. And this is mine, so if you have a problem with that, that's okay. Don't let me hold you back.


Sorry for such a crap post again, you guys. I just needed a way to let things go and breathe a little bit. If you're still reading and has read through all my crap since June, thank you, I sayang yous.

Bye.

Right Track

Hi world! It's finals week! Wooo hoooooo!

I haven't had the best week physically this week. I've been painting the new room on Saturday and Sunday which tired me out like crazy! Then I had to go back to school on Monday, starting the first day of finals weeks with 3 hours of sleep and a potential fever. Anyways, about a week ago I made a few cards for all 4 of my teachers. Just to thank them for being such great teachers this whole first semester to me. And especially for my Algebra teacher, I wrote her a note.

I told her that I was more than blessed to have her as my algebra teacher and that I was never good in math. I told her that I remembered stepping into class and we had an ice breaker on that first day, I remember saying that I hated math because I wasn't good at it. I told her that I was always a failure when it came to math and that never in my wildest dreams could I have scored an A in math. Much less a 95.

Today she called me up to her table and she said, "Zoe, I don't believe you." And clueless as I was, I was like, "what??" She said, "I can't believe you and what you wrote in your card. You are good in math. I cannot believe that you weren't. You've been getting A's on all of your tests, you're consistent, you pay attention in class, you're doing good. Just do what you're doing for your final and you'll be great." I stood there in awe. I never gotten compliments about my grades, much less a teacher. Even worse, it was math. I mean anybody who knows me would know that I'm rubbish in math. Math was my most feared subject. It was this huge monster that made me cry and I definitely ran away from the first moment I had a chance.

But I'm grateful for that little boost of confidence she gave me. I'm thankful that God has placed me in more than good hands during my transition here in the States. I'm thankful for how He has blessed me with such amazing teachers and even the strength and His wisdom to study and actually get straight A's for my subjects this semester. And it includes Math AND US history. I may have a lack of social life which I claim to be okay with but I'm not, but it has benefitted me in academics wise and I'm so grateful for that.

It's finals week and I haven't begun studying. I don't know what I'm supposed to even study. Some say its a good sign that shows I am ready. To me, I just feel like I have loads to do but I'm procrastinating.

That's my story for the week you guys. More reasons that shows I am blessed.

What are you thankful for this week? :)

Much love,

Zoe.

Breaks

Hi world!

So about two days ago, I decided to take a break from all my social media. Because I felt like as a person, I've been spreading more negativity than positivism. While I know some people would argue that it's just a way for people to express themselves, sometimes what we are posting might be very influential on others as well. Good or bad. And lately I realize I've been the one who seems to be expressing the worst of myself to the world. Social media for me, Facebook especially has been one place I spread way too much negativism. While I do write elaborate sad depressing blog posts that aren't very pleasing to the eyes as well, that's why you see the lack of posts lately. I'm stuck between accepting that sometimes I really need to rant, but not everybody needs or want to read about it either. But at the same time, it's a blog and it's about sharing.

While I cannot promise constant optimism and bubbly, counting my blessings Zoe as it hasn't been a very great past few months, I do really want to do good and try to spread as much love, joy and gratefulness around as I can. Because having being in my situation countless times, I admire people who are bubbly and just thankful for everything by nature. Those who pick themselves up in a blink of an eye. I understand that I'm not one of those people. But I also know that there are people like me out there. And I just want to be this constant reminder that we are all human. And as you can see, I have my bad days too. But at the same time, I don't want to be the one who spreads negativity. I've been trying to stay away from posting negativity. I stopped writing in my journal because all I do is feel bad for every bad thing that goes wrong. Because really, how much more sadness does the world need? Adding more negativity to the world is uncalled for.

I'm really just a sad person by nature. Or rather I just enjoy being lonely and quiet. Thus, making a façade of sadness. The first thing that comes to my mind when I need to express myself in any way right now is always blogging. I find myself logging into blogger and next thing I know I have written at least 4 paragraphs full. And it's great that I've found a place to express myself when I need it. But not everyone needs to be reminded that bad things happen to us and that it's okay to stay down. Which is what I feel is what the impression I'm giving out to others.

I'm not going to completely change myself for I know that this trait of me, being quiet and isolated is just me being Zoe and I enjoy that side of me, I still want to genuinely be thankful always and see life from a different point of view. So I do apologize for the amount of sadness and negativity that has been posted on my social media and even this blog. But I'm not going to take them down. It's there as a reminder that we get bad days. And most of us can relate to that. But as I said before, I've seen too much sadness, I've seen others go through so much. And while nobody can completely make everything okay in a heartbeat, I just want to be the person who makes a difference and help the world even by a little bit. What better way than to start with something small and significant, like my actions and mindset that I have for the ones around me to see.

Change comes gradually. Change also starts with small tiny steps. As they say, Rome was not built in a day.

Oh look, that's 4 paragraphs already. If there's a job that requires someone to crap a bunch of pointless paragraphs, sign me up. It's like being a chatterbox but not speaking. Lol.

Have a great week ahead you guys! The week before finals and finals week are really a whirlwind for me. Drowning in assignments and studying for the final. Guess it is a good thing I tuned out from social media! :D

Do your best in everything you do. Stay strong and keep on going.

Much love,

Zoe.

I don't even know who in the world would read all this. Maybe it's been a dead blog ever since the beginning!

2014 : Homebound, USA Bound

So this whole year has been a wild ride. Although it's not over yet, I think that it'll be a good idea to just sit and reflect about the good things that has happened because I haven't been having the best December, ever. And writing about the good things might turn that around a tiny bit. Hopefully it'll help you guys be thankful for all the amazingness that has took place in your life! ( I'm supposed to be studying for a US History final that is tomorrow, and Algebra 2 test tomorrow and read up on an essay I'm supposed to write in English tomorrow. But I guess the mind needs a break! )

So lets start from January. I don't remember much about January. But I know last Christmas was amazing, I had a great trip down to Chiang Mai, Thailand and I got to see my God Grandparents! It was a great trip with the family and I couldn't be more thankful for that trip because I haven't seen my God Grandparents in years and seeing them at least once again before we packed up and flew all the way to California. It was also nice to have both the grandmas along. Although we all know that a family vacation isn't perfect without the communications and disagreement. 

I was pretty excited to go back to school. It didn't feel like Senior year, but Hamid Khan was home to me. It was where I fell in love, it was where I cried, where I laughed, where I was part of a family, it was where I was loved, it was where I had my ups and downs and made a friend or two that would last a lifetime. It was liberating that people were going to turn 17 and some are going to start driving to school and we're sitting for that dreadful thing called SPM. Which is already over and done with. Thank you, Hamid Khan for saving me a seat for the examination that I was absent for. I'm also really thankful for Hamid Khan for it has been my second home. After being in a different school for a year, that was a horrible, terrible year. 

I kept the secret of my migration for a about a year before I started telling people. I knew about it in June of 2013 and I kept the news from everyone until about probably May of 2014. Of course, with the exception of a few closest ones. 

Then on the 22nd of January, my bestfriend was the first of the three of us, (Brenda, Audrey and Me) who flew off to Australia. 

SORRY AUDS IF THIS IS AN UGLY PHOTO OF YOU. 

In January is also when I started worship leading for CG and I guess in a way it was very meaningful to me because I've always wanted to serve and I've never had the chance to. Thus, it felt good to be worship leading for CG even if I wasn't the best singer or guitar strummer. 

Around the end of January, the family and I flew off to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah to spend Chinese New Year with the other Loh's. We also watched the Lee Chong Wei match hoping for the public holiday if he won the next day. Then me and my brother and my cousin brother headed off for a midnight movie to watch the latest X-Men movie. I also got the chance to visit Labuan. Labuan has been a place I've constantly heard of because the parents and the brother lived there for a bit waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy before I existed! 

Family time is always great. Anyways, after that 4 days of amazingness, 

OH OH ! February 17th was when my best friend came back from ITALY!!!! :D :D

Next highlight would be on the 20th of February where I ran my first cross country!!! But I gave up halfway. But if I remember/ counted correctly, I came in 30th. Or rather 10 places after the 20th medal was given out. So around the 30th mark I guess. Thanks to the bestfriend who encouraged me to do so. 

Sorry woman, you look good. Mai luan okay.. 

Then came February 22nd. It started off a really really great day. Then towards the evening we got the news that that's when my grandpa passed. But nevertheless, I'm thankful for him and all that he has done for my mom. For she wouldn't be who she is without him. And I admired his passion for eating. 

My grandfather's funeral was the first funeral I decided to dress up for. By dress up for I meant that I put on a black dress. Because usually people would just wear anything black or white. A tee and a pair of pants and they're good to go. After that, was March. 

On March the 4th, the family and I headed down to KL for our Visa for our migration confirmation, interview thingy. Boy was that a hard weekend. 

On March the 23rd, I went to watch my first squash game, I got to see Nicol David :D 

On the last day of March was the day we went for debate competition at Heng EE. We made it through the first round, which is more than we've ever been through and once again we were so close to wining the second round. 

That's our team right there! 

Beginning of April was another family reunion thing. We celebrated Cheng Beng together, and we really had a great time. 

That's Uncle Gary and the rest of us! 

Then on the 19th of April, I finally got baptized. 

Unfortunately, I wish I knew where the actual picture is at. 

May 16th was my last day of school and the night of that Friday we drove down to Alor Star to begin the wedding dinners. It started off with Seong Koko's wedding. 

AND days and days of feasting and eating and family time! 

After a day of being back, I had to pack and we were flying off the next morning to Kota Kinabalu, Sabah for Cindy's wedding!

I had the pleasure of singing at my cousin's wedding. Which people gave me more credit for than I deserve, because I developed the huge case of stage fright and my throat just closed down. But I also had the pleasure of dancing with my mom, all because the dad refused to. It was a beautiful wedding and picture credits goes to the wedding photographer. I then came back to Penang on the 27th, and only had less than a week to pack and clean out the room for the big move. 

The last few days of Penang life was filled with packing, going out with friends, friends coming over and family time. 

On the 3rd of June, we parted and said our goodbyes. 

This was the night before where a few of my closest friends decided to come over. Which was pretty last minute. 

And this was the airport shot. 

On the 21st of June, I got to visit San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge!

21 is always a great date. 

24th of June was when this blog was created! Woo Hoo!! 

28th of June we went to the park for a pre-independence day celebration and we had burgers. 

11th August, I started school. 

Did NOT have the best day. I came home and bawled my eyes out. But it's been getting better. 

On the 16th, I got to go to Bodega Bay.

On the 5th of September was my birthday. I had brownies that were baked by my first period teacher, for my birthday, and then I had another cake at night with the family.

Then on the 12th I got to watch my first football game with the brother!

Then we made another trip down to San Fran on the 4th of Oct.

We went to the Ferry Building and Half Moon Bay.

Then at the end of the month was Halloween. 

On the 9th of November, I got to see Hillsong play live! 

Then we spent Thanksgiving with family. I'm so thankful that we have family here. 

And now to December. On the 4th a few days ago, marks the 6th month me and the family has been here. And I had to cut down a lot of things that I planned to put in this post. This shows that there really are a lot of things that we can be thankful for. I admit, I haven't had the best December. But with heartbreak and all the bad things also comes really really great things. 

I hope that you guys are having a great December ahead. And I hope you guys are inspired by this post to be thankful for the things that has happened to you. Even the littlest of things. Just like what I learned in church on Sunday, God gives us what is best when it is the right time. If you don't get it, it is not for you because there will be much much better things ahead. 

Have a great December you guys, I'll be back with a Christmas post when the time comes! 

Much love <3

Zoe

Midnight musings

So my whole life I've never been surrounded with words of encouragement that came from my two strong pillars. And then I remember for 17 years of my life I have just watched from the sidelines of my friends and their super supportive family and all I've gotten really is their or rather his, insane theory of tearing you down so you get back up. Which really, really pisses me off. It makes me wonder if I'm going to be like that in the future. If say I do have kids, would they be disappointed that I don't give them enough support? 

Because really I've really been deprived of encouragement from the people I need it most from. And it is definitely naive to hope that something that has never been there for 17 years will just suddenly appear. It really won't. But I'm just so disheartened by the fact that I've never had the encouragement I needed that actually caused the fact that I've lost my dreams and things that brings joy to my life. 

And that really is what I hate most about family. You love them without a choice. No matter how much hell they put you through, your heart just loves them. And that's the hardest part. Loving someone when they least deserve it. But it's also the biggest reminder that that's what a family is all about. We will always find people in our lives that loves us when we least deserve it. But what I don't get is when someone does something so over the line, so absurd that it already becomes such a habit that everyone just shuts an eye to. 

I do not see the point of tolerating such negativity. The ones that bring you down when you're already at your lowest. Those that adds wood to the fire. The words that has no filtration whatsoever that really just hurts the soul. I will always say I'm done, but I'll never be. I'll always be stuck with it. It'll continue to hurt, he will continue to bring others down and we won't have a flipping say in it. 

17 years of it, no encouragement, no "good job", no "you did great" no "try again next time", no "I'm proud of you, nothing. I guess if you asked my brother's they would understand. Having a person who reminds you 24/7 that you're not good enough and one who points out all your flaws than actually appreciates you for who you are, that's hard. Somehow somewhere I think both of them has found a switch to turn it off and ignore it. Which is great, because I wish I didn't care. I wish I never listened. 

So props to you for constantly tearing people down. I'm so sick and tired of it.  

6 Months : USA BOUND

Hi world! So as I sit and write this, it marks the official 6 months in the US. Which to me is really mind boggling. But regardless of the fact that I miss home, I am more than thankful to be here. I'm not feeling a full on blog post today. But it's just a reminder for you guys that everything happens for a reason and it's always a good thing. 

Much love,

Zoe