It's been a long while since I've thought of this place. However, since I'm finding myself in one of those positions where I feel like I have a dark cloud over my head and nobody to listen to me, I thought that I would let it out here. The start of 2018 has been very dull. Aside from the fact that I have officially been admitted into my university of choice. That's pretty exciting. But with that aside, I'm really finding myself stuck in a place where I know I can do better but better is subjective, and better is scary and unknown. I feel like lonely will forever be a reoccurring theme in my life. And somehow I really just have to be okay with that. The hardest part about it is just getting the opportunity to feel loved and wanted. Once you get a taste of that, it's really hard to go back to being lonely and unwanted and unloved. I honestly do not want to be that person who depends on someone else to make them happy. In my head, I know that. But over the past year I have slowly taken down my walls brick by brick and honestly it's really nice to have someone to let in, it's nice to have someone who accepts you and loves you for what they see in you. It's a scary thought having to think that one day I might have to build up those walls again and that the bricks that I was slowly taking down should've probably stayed up in the first place. I'm afraid. I'm genuinely afraid of him waking up one day and realizing that he's done with me and my walls off brick and my baggage. I'm afraid that maybe all this while, I was the stupid one who thinks that we're in it all the way. I'm afraid of knowing that there's a possibility that he might not feel the same as I do. And I'm afraid of always wanting him more than he will ever want me in his life. I'm afraid of going back to being the person who is broken, alone and always getting the short end of the stick. Always having to be okay when she isn't. Having to do everything alone when she knows what it feels like to not do things alone anymore. I know what you're thinking. That I'm not ready to be with somebody if I'm not okay with being alone. I know that too. But it wasn't always like this. I was okay with being alone for a while. And then I had to start opening up bit by bit, and I found someone who I was willing to break down my walls for. After isolating myself for a long long time and finally being able to get a breath of fresh air that is warm, sweet and comforting, it's difficult to go back. I don't think anybody would ever want to go back to what they knew before the warm and comforting scent of having somebody to do life with you. So that's me. That's where I'm at. I'm afraid of losing my someone. Because he's my someone. And going into 2018, that has got to be one of my biggest fears. Not going to lie, I have spent just about almost every night in tears ever since the start of 2018. There's a huge wave of uncertainty that has taken over. It's like I'm stuck in a pit and nobody can help me up. Which, I guess is true. Nobody can help me out of this pit. It's my issue that I have to solve and nobody can do it for me. But I am afraid. I'm afraid of losing you and I'm afraid of starting a new chapter of school this year. I don't know if it's cowardly to say that I do not want to do life alone. I do not want to go through the year alone. I do not want to achieve my milestones in life alone. In 2017 I got my first 4.0 semester in college after hovering at 3.79s every semester since my first. And I have got to say, that achieving that 4.0 did not feel as rewarding as it should've been. All because there was nobody there to celebrate it with. Every exciting thing that has happened was not as exciting as it should've been because there is nobody here. And I'm really defeated by that. I have always needed people more than they'll ever needed me my whole life. And as I'm growing older and achieving milestones after milestones, I am growing even more bitter at the idea that I have to do life alone. I know that sounds pathetic. But I can't deny how I feel. In return, that makes me expect a lot out of someone who is there for me. And I shouldn't. It shouldn't be his burden to bear. And my expectations should be my own and if I ever find myself disappointed, it's all on me for expecting something out of someone. All in all, I cannot reiterate how scared and afraid I am about 2018. I'm afraid of change and I'm afraid of being alone.
You're not here and I wish that you were.
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