College | Thoughts

Ho ho ho, that tragic word. To those of you who has almost everything figured out, cheers to you because I don't know where I'm going with my life. We headed out to a college fair earlier today and I obviously stood there dumbfounded because I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do. And funnily enough, people might say that it's completely okay to not know now, what they want to do in the future because what you major in or have a degree in is not essentially what you end up doing. But to be honest, I'm the type of person who likes to work according to plan. I plan things and I need them to go in order. Not to say that I'm not spontaneous, but I like a whole layout of things and roughly have things figured out before I do anything.  

So there I was at the college fair, and I didn't know what I wanted. Now, there's a difference between what you want to do and what you can do. What I want to do is very simple to list out. I want to most probably major in dance. But it's not very realistic because I cannot picture myself doing something dance related for the rest of my life. It's not completely ideal either because I did quit for a reason. Thus, I just miss the idea of it, not the whole thing. As for photography, its something I do leisurely. It's not something I am entirely good at, it's not something I can do for the rest of my life either. 

Writing however is something I enjoy. But just like dancing, I don't want to turn it into something I hate. Because when something becomes a must not a want, that's when you start to hate it. I don't want to put writing on a pedestal and say that that's what I want to focus on, only to stumble upon a bigger hurdle and realize that it's not for me. Basically I'm trying to preserve my little escape when I have nobody to talk to, or when I just need to stop thinking and rant/vent about little things in life that people face, e.g. now. 

It is also something I do when I only have the mood to. Which is why the future cannot be based on solely that because nothing would work out if you just go according to moods and feelings. It's highly unreliable and certainly not ideal. 

Blogging is pretty fun. As you can tell, sometimes I like to let the pictures do the talking. Sometimes I like to rant about things. And I do try to keep things entirely positive and life related because I know it's things that people go through and I'm certainly not alone in this one. So here I am, trying to think about what I want to do with my life. I am very confident that something will turn out soon enough, but it doesn't mean that I can stop thinking about it. I do need to think about it, I do need to figure out what I need to do, what I can do, what I should be doing. 

I am not the best at making decisions, I'm not the best at deciding and putting my finger on things. I kinda wish I was one of those who knew what they wanted to do ever since they were young, but I guess that isn't me. So I guess for those of you who don't know what they are going to do with their life after high school, you're not alone! 

When I do figure things out though, I will let you know. But for now,

Have a great week ahead! :) 

Zoe

A take on something different | Beauty

This might be a cringy post to some and interesting to some. 

However though, I am by no means showing off, it's just me wanting to take photos and share stuff with you. 

So, hello world!! After having such a gloomy and the transition into sweater weather I spent almost the whole day watching YouTube videos. Right after that, I didn't exactly want to sit around anymore, so I decided to grab my camera and write another post for you guys. 

:)

My camera "crew" 

Two of my favorite fragrances lately, the Moschino Funny! and the Ralph Lauren Hot.

On the right is Tea Tree Oil and Vitamin E serum. Just trying them out to see how they work on my pimples instead of using Benzoyl Acid that is usually found pimple clearing creams and stuff. 

Just a random pair of earrings that I've also been liking lately. 

I popped into Sephora on Saturday. To my surprise I didn't get anything beauty related. Instead I got something to treat my acne and in return since it's still my birthday month, I got this little gift set from Sephora. I enjoy getting tiny stuff. It's so exciting hahah

The wand intimidated me at the beginning when I first opened it. I didn't expect it to be so large for such a tiny bottle. 

Basic colors :3

Welcome to my comfort zone! :) 

Unmade beds, my two fluffy friends and sweater weather! 

Followed by some vainy shots. You can skip this part *winks*

Have a great week ahead!! 

Zoe

Friday Updates | Life

Finally finding the time to sit down and blog after that little rant I did a week or so ago. 

So there are a few things I wanted to address today. 

1. I'm thankful for my grades.

I've always been the student that rarely ever scored really good grades. 

Except for Form 3 during PMR when I actually did better than I expected. Then 

in Form 4 and half of Form 5 I was busy failing everything. Getting F's and G's in 7/9 subjects. Maths, Add Math, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, History and Moral. I guess the only things I could pass was Bahasa Melayu and English. So I guess I didn't think I would do any good after migrating and starting over in a new school. Little did I know though, I've been scoring 90's and above for my classes lately and it feels pretty good. Knowing that I've been working hard for it, studying and doing the best I can and not worry about how it's going to turn out. And to my surprise really, I've been scoring all A's lately in my classes. Personal achievement, to be honest. But I thought it was noteworthy. Obviously, it wouldn't have been possible without the Big Man up there helping me throughout it all :) 

Which brings me to the second and most important thing I wanted to address. 

I'm thankful for my mom. 

It was her birthday on Tuesday and it's amazing how far along she has came. 

I'm thankful for her never ending love. 

I admire her for her patience, one that I would never have.

I'm so in awe of how she carries herself, how much she trusts God in all that she does, how much she loves us like how God loves us. How she is always so strong and so kept together. I don't know how she does it, or where she gets her strength and courage from. But my whole life I've known her, she has never shown a sign of weakness. Not in my eyes. She doesn't complain, she doesn't throw tantrums. Even in anger, she loves, even in annoyance and irritation, she loves. She always has your best interest at heart. Even if her gestures and actions are never acknowledged, even if we don't always say "thank you", her actions are filled with love. She does it not because she's forced to, but because she wants to. She is most definitely the strongest person I know. She is a woman I want to grow up to be. Patient, loving, kind, courageous, brave, generous, thoughtful, thankful for everything,. She puts herself in a person's shoes. She's sensitive towards others. Even in weakness, she's strong. Even in doubt, she's brave, even in worry she's calm. Even in annoyance she's patient.

Zoe

People | Thoughts, Life

To be honest, there will be more people you meet in your lifetime that will not even flinch or give it a second thought regarding your existence. Because all you'll be is an empty chair, an insignificant crack in the wall, a blank face, insignificant. And I really won't say that's okay. Yeah, there's the whole, "don't waste your time on people who doesn't think you're worth their time." I can rub it off, but I won't. Because it's ridiculous. And you wonder why people fall into depression or commit suicide. Don't get me wrong. My whole point is that there are so many things that people do that has an effect on people regardless if it's done consciously or unconsciously. And it's not really something we give it a second thought. Like if it was offensive, or it was rude or maybe it was something that completely scarred a person for life. And yeah, it is true that the people you meet in life would most probably be people who would just unconsciously acknowledge your existence. What more of a way to make someone feel more invincible than to just look past them like the seat is empty or it's just a plain white wall, right? Way to go. 

I sat down doing some thinking during my break today. Furious I was. I mean yeah, I do exist. I am solid and I'm not transparent. Like, I mean there are better ways to acknowledge someone's invisibility. People always go around saying that they want to make some big changes in the world and how they want to be an influence and have an impact on others. What impact are you really making if you don't practice those little things that would accumulate up to a very big shinning ball of influence? I don't get it. I really don't. Saying that you want to make a big change in the world, but you're not even doing something to the people around you. Where's the influence in that? All you do really is lower the self esteem of others. 

And there will be people who are completely oblivious to the feeling's of others. Sure you can bloody argue and say that they shouldn't be so sensitive in the first place, but have you took into account those people who are very insecure and have a small little amount of self confidence? Is it their fault? Is it their fault that they look into the mirror each day and see a nobody starring back at them, or they see a person they're not happy with, a person worth beating themselves up for? Is it their fault that it's getting worse day by day? Not completely. Everything we do has an impact to others. I'm serious. I don't honestly know where I'm getting to at this, but I now understand why there are so many "I'm a nobody" thing going on. If the majority of everybody in the world literally continues to be oblivious and treat your actions to others lightly, like "so what if it hurts others? It does't effect me. Should I care?" then how exactly do you make people on the other side not left out? Tried living in their shoes for a day? Have you even thought of that? Maybe you should try it some time. 

Everyone should try it some time. We call ourselves humans but most of the times we really lack humanity. If we can't even use our feelings that we have like caring. sympathy, empathy or just the simple unselfish-like feelings a normal human would have, I suggest everyone would just be better off as robots. Why do we need feelings if nobody in the world puts it into good use in this day and age? 

I know that we shouldn't rely on others for confidence, or even rely on others to feel good about ourselves and whatever you're probably gonna get to. But the whole point is really, if we continue to treat others like they're invisible then as obvious as it is, that's what people are going to think. Because you've already put such a mindset in their minds that they're not worth your time, not worth your effort, not worth this, not worth that, just in simple words not worthy enough then obviously that's the only mindset they're ever going to be able to base their mindset on. 

Have you ever sat down and just re-think about the way you've been treating others and if you were on the opposite side of the conversation, would you be satisfied with you? Have you gave it a second thought if what you're doing is conveying that good or the bad? Because if you haven't gave it a second thought, I reckon you start now. I cannot stand another "you're invisible to me" crap. I'm concerned for those who doesn't know their self worth. Those who don't know how much more they're worth than they think they are because I was once one of them. We're human. And so often really we'll find ourselves in moments of absolute mess, no self confidence, insecure and broken. Don't you think the action's of those who couldn't give a flipping fish as to how their "you don't exist to me" crap reflects on others? In this case since they're "invisible" it literally just shines through them. What a way to boost their confidence, ay? 

I still struggle everyday with reminding myself of my worth. What about those who haven't gotten there yet though? What about those who are still yet to stand up but you just keep pushing them down? What about those who needs just a little help to get back up again? What about those who has a voice but you just keep shutting them off? The ones who should shine brighter than the sun but you just keep raining on their parade? The ones who has potential but you just keep shutting them off? The one's who are lost and just need someone to guide them back? People don't understand how the little things they do can impact someone's life either in a good way or a bad way. It can either be a boost of confidence or it can be a big fat bus of insecurity slamming someone face on. Just like that. One little gesture, one word, one sentence, one glare, one bloody moment of rejection silence can result in too many unwanted things. 

Not everybody is perfect, I get that. Sometimes we do it unconsciously. I get it. But just second guess yourself and really wonder if you're really giving people a boost or tearing them down. Because for the past one month I've been so tired of getting torn down I didn't know where to draw the line. Sure its easy to be oblivious to others. But easy is never beneficial. It's easy to stay down once you're being pushed down one too many times. It's even easier to be the one tearing people down. Its not so easy trying to stay up when you're being pushed down, but it's even harder to get up when you're being constantly pushed down. 

Everybody has their demons. Everybody will face it differently, some people sweep it under the carpet, some people let them haunt them, some live with them, some accepts themselves as who they are with what they are. People deal with it differently. But regardless of your demons I highly think everyone deserves a chance of feeling good about themselves for who they are. I think everyone deserves that self confidence and self worth that they deserve to feel. I believe that everyone should have that. Not for once in their lifetime, or once every few months, every few years, but everyday of their lives. That's what they should feel and that's what they deserve. So if some of you think that it's the best idea to treat others like they're invisible and not worth your precious minutes, then really, so be it. But I hope in return it makes you feel really really good about yourself. Standing ovation for you. 

Because I'm done being one of those who belittle myself when I'm treated like I'm invisible. I know I've been treated that way a lot especially recently, and on some days I do let it get to me. Like today. And it wasn't an easy half an hour of thought because it opened my eyes to how ugly humans can be and the change the claim they want to make. Kay. That's today's rant of the day. 

Have a great day ahead. 

Zoe

Ombre hair | Beauty

I guess you could call this a spur of the moment decision. 

I mean the idea has always been there due to endless amount of envy while 

scrolling through Pinterest each day. I never got around to doing it partly because I guess

I didn't like the idea of bleaching my hair? I was also a chicken who second guessed if it'll turn out a complete disaster. So after what seemed like months of admiration, research and DIY instructions, I finally made the decision last night to do it. 

To be honest, the smell of bleach was pretty strong it made me pretty sick at one point. 

But other than that, I have absolutely no complains. 

Zoe

Post birthday random appreciation post | Thoughts, Life

That has been something I've been trying to tell myself day and night.

That things will get better and it takes time. 

And also because things happen for a reason, good or bad. 

And on some days its believable. 

On other days it isn't the best thing to tell yourself because nothing 

looks like its getting better. I have spent 

the last week trying to tell myself that it'll get better. 

But unfortunately it wasn't one of those weeks where convincing myself really 

worked out. And so I thought, okay I'll just take a break. 

I'll just not sulk and not whine about how bad things are. 

So Friday morning came. Expected it to be completely the same as the days in my week. 

But little did I know my library teacher/first period teacher wished me when I got to first period. And I was like, "wow? what?" so I just said thank you and asked how she knew about it and she said she saw it in one of my forms. So I thought, "wow, okay. that's pretty great" that did put a smile on my face. And after we did everything we needed to do, she came up to us and told us to go into the back room because she had something set up for me. And I was at that point so touched and so thankful. She baked a tuppaware of brownies for me and went to buy a hang down sign that apparently was misspelled. So yesterday was a "happy biryhda" day. We had a pretty great laugh and the rest of the period turned out pretty amazing. Labeling books and bar-coding books went by in a breeze because my classmates and I ended up having a good laugh at almost every little thing.  

 :) 

That in itself and responding to all the wishes and videos, Skype calls, Snapchats, Whatsapps and every form of wishes has definitely opened my eyes to how blessed I am. 

The rest of the day went by slowly though. I came home, had a pretty Malaysian lunch. I had fried rice and char siu and chai boey and SAMBAL <3 . All the good stuff!.

Massive cheesecake :3 (ps. Sherwynn if you're reading this, DON'T DROOL) 

We selfie-d the family picture because everyone was too hungry 

How more to spend my birthday with the people I spent my whole life with, right? :) 

Which brings me to this morning and my post-birthday breakfast :) 

I can't say that you're having the best days of your life right now in whatever situation that you are in. But what I can tell you is that it's a shitty day, not a shitty life. Now you may have a series of shitty days in a row, or weeks. But it's not a shitty life. There will be good days, and there will be bad days. There will be days you'd give up and days you're standing strong. There'll be days you think you're about to break, there'll also be days where you're just no where. On some days however, you'll feel like you're on top of the world. That everything is possible. And you'll also have those days where you beat yourself up for every little thing. That F you got on a test, or the burnt spatula you burned while frying an egg, the crack on your phone, the scar on your arm, the broken mug you dropped, or the broken hole in the ceiling that you fell through (GUILTY. i have scars to prove it :P )

SO BASICALLY, if you've done stupid things in your life, you're on the right track.

You're learning, you're human. 

:) 

Thank you guys once again for everything. 

Zoe

Birthdays! | Thoughts

So as I write this I am seriously debating if I'm going to actually post this or leave this as a draft. But nevertheless, I will get to it. So to be honest I don't have the birthday vibes this year. I absolutely don't. There were a few thoughts that went through my mind a few hours ago while I was busy bumming and enjoying the day because there was no homework today. (YAY!) So anyways, I had two thoughts in particular.

  1. I don't see the point in celebrating my birthday. 

Because honestly, what is there to celebrate? 

I am far from home, I don't really belong, 

nothing is really that exciting. 

All I kept asking myself was, 

"What's the point?" 

I even went up to a point where I told

a few of my friends on Whatsapp that there was 

absolutely no need for wishes or cakes 

and a celebration when they 

asked me if I had plans for the day. 

THEN, I thought,

2. Wow. 17. 

And guess what? I'M STILL HERE!

If you all didn't know, this year's calender and dates are exactly

the same as the one in 1997. And to be honest, 

it has blown my mind trying to fathom how

it has been 17 years. And that is a 

pretty long time. I realized how blessed I have been,

how much I have grown, how much I have learned, 

how much I have seen, the things that I have went through, 

the people I have met, the ones that I've kept 

and the ones that I left. It's a crazy thought, trying to think back to 

the times when I was younger and couldn't stop wishing to be older

and now I kinda just want things to stop. So I guess instead of 

trying so hard to sulk over "what's the point in celebrating when everything is crap"

I'm asking myself, why not celebrate? Because I remember so clearly it says, 

"give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

1 Thessalonians 5:18 

by celebration though, I don't mean a cake and parties and lavish-ness. 

By celebrating I mean, giving thanks and learning to be content with all that I have

and not asking for more because all this is enough. It's perfect the way it is. 

Even if it means the situation that I am in now. 

And that's something that I believe everyone needs to do. 

You just need to stop for a moment and take it all in. 

Take in the fact that you shouldn't be asking for more

because there's already too many things to be thankful for. 

Like the fact that I am so far away from home, 

it's an opportunity that not everybody gets. 

Like maybe how I have an amazing family to be thankful for. 

Or maybe just the fact that I am loved and so immensely blessed. 

So it has been 17 years of amazingness. Ups and downs, 

tears and laughter, a little bit of everything. And without a doubt it has been great. 

I have spent this whole week waking up with the worst mindset. It started off with the whole, "FML" mindset. Then came the horrifying ingrown toe nail Wednesday and I had to walk to and back from school with it, only to come back having to spend a whole hour trying to cut it off. Also, I had a test yesterday that I wasn't very fond of (WHICH I MIGHT ADD I GOT a 91% on it :DDDDD ) . I let little little things get to me. And I was really angry at the world, at life, at everything. I was so annoyed. I kept on asking myself "what's the point in celebrating when there's nothing great for a celebration?". Now, I'm still not very hyped for my birthday tomorrow, after all it's really just another day. But I couldn't be more thankful for everything. And that is what we all need to be. Thankful, grateful and appreciative. So, the whole point is that there is always something to be thankful for, it's just the way you decide to see it. 

Here's a few past birthday pictures. 

2013

The Sweet 16

2012

2011

2010

2006

When everybody was young and I was 9. 

 2014. 

There are really countless amount of things to be thankful for

and I'm trying my best because I remember sulking most of my way through 

in 2012 and you only get each day once and it's never coming back. 

So why not try and make the most out of it, even if circumstances aren't the best, right? 

Don't sulk your way through. You'll regret it. 

:)

Happy September 5th! 

Zoe