Thursday Nights

Ever had those nights where you just want company? Good, comforting and familiar company? Those who knows you and has accepted you for who you are, the ones you're fearless with, the ones that brings out the best parts of you, those who makes you a better person and most importantly the people who are completely okay with you being not okay. The ones who understands that you're human too and that people need other people. It's nice to have people physically around to remind you of that. The fact that its okay to not be okay. That's what I crave, what I yearn for and what I've been deprived of.

Fact of the matter is though, things are the way it is now. No amount of words is going to change anything or make things better in a heartbeat. But there are just those nights where all you need is a little comfort and familiarity, a little love and a little laughter. Things hasn't been easy. None of it has. Some days feels like a breeze. The others, not so much. Somehow somewhere I want to belong. I want a place to call home. I want a group of people who feels like family to me.

So its nights like these and mornings after where things get hard. Its hard to be alone. Although most of the time it's relatively very much easier to be isolated than feel out of place among groups of people. But yes, it is hard to be alone. It's tiring. Sometimes when you need a pillar to lean on or a strong wall to fall back on, as obvious as it is, there's none. That's the hardest part about it. Having to pull yourself together, alone. Having to keep your chin up high, having to be the only one to remind yourself that you're human and that its okay to fall and break once in a while without blaming yourself for being so weak. Its also hard to keep yourself from breaking down from time and time again.

Then there's the time when you sort of question the meaning of strength and the reason or purpose behind anything at all. The reason why you get out of bed, the reason why you still keep going. Where does all these strength come from? Because the last time I checked I had no purpose and no strength to keep on going. Nights like these are hard. Weeks of it hasn't been kind. It's not emptiness, it's just loneliness. I'm deprived of people that matters. I'm deprived of my own comfort, I'm in need of my pillars and walls that keeps me together when I'm falling apart. In need of support and the strength that I lack.

I know my emotional and mental strength has never been the best. I'm easily beaten down, I give up very easily and I'm one of the most pessimistic people I know. I stay down for weeks after getting hit by a wave of monsters and giants, get back up for days and stay down again. Sometimes I just wished that I could hit pause and everything goes away just for the littlest amount of time. Enough to breathe, enough to appreciate, enough to be thankful for. But most of all, I just need to breathe. I need to breathe, I need my comfort, I need the people, I need the company, I need that comfortable silence, I need the familiarity, I need the strength, I need normal.

Zoe

"Hopefully we'll have a better day tomorrow"

Had a brief conversation with my first period teacher this morning. I got to school pretty early and she was already there as well. So we were discussing about how things hasn't been very great lately. She hasn't been feeling very well and neither have I really. So we had a brief conversation about it and she looked at me and said, "Hopefully we'll have a better day tomorrow!" and I nodded. 

That kind of got me thinking about how hoping for a better day tomorrow isn't going to do much unless you decide to not sulk about it first thing in the morning. But as always, it's always so much easier in words than actual actions. So here's my list of "levels" you go through in your bad day. 

1. Waking up. 

Ever had those mornings when you magically wake up super early, say at like 4AM in the morning and it's cold and you sort of just feel like the world is crumbling down on you? And then you decide to go back to bed only to wake up after your alarm has snoozed itself 15 minutes past the time you were supposed to wake up. That's just wonderful, isn't it? 

2. Dragging yourself to the bathroom. 

Then comes the part where you actually have to get up because you're 15 minutes behind schedule and it's pretty cold in the morning. Water is cold, washing your face is a shocker and you sort of find a way to hurt yourself while walking back to your room. Yup, that's even greater. 

3. Breakfast. 

Now, I'm one of those who is the only one awake in the house so early in the morning. No amount of noise I make is going to wake a living soul in my house. So with reluctance, eating breakfast but not alone. Rather with the circling amount of thoughts my brain won't shut up about for nights and days. That's the most horrifying thing to start my day with to be entirely honest. 

4. Walking. 

Walking isn't so bad. Not until you almost get run down by cars who refuse to slow down for you. Or tripping on a broken pavement. 

5. School.

Then comes the amazing element of surprise like a quiz you forgot about over the weekends, the constant reminder that Mid-Terms are uber close and how we keep learning new things everyday in mass quantities you kind of wonder where it all goes once you understand it. There's also the part where for 30 minutes in a day I feel extremely out of place like a defenseless alien planted on Earth for no apparent reason. 

NOW THAT SOUNDS FUN. 

Yup, that has been me for the past one and a half months. 8 and a half more months till graduation. 

I can do this. 

Sorry for the pessimism, guys. 

Zoe

More Ombre Hair | Beauty

One day I'd really like to go full on ombre, the ones that has blond tips rather than ombre in to a gradual lighter shade of brown. But for now, beggars can't be choosy. 

Zoe

Before Monday | Life

Hello world. This week hasn't been the best. It isn't terrible, it's just not great. I've been spending this week trying to make new friends. And to be honest all I want is a place to call home, a place to feel like I belong and to feel comfortable. After spending almost 17 years of trying to feel like I belong and have everything straightened out and having to start from zero again is agonizing. On somedays I can keep trying. But on days like today I just can't keep pushing forward. What am I supposed to do, really? What can I do? I'm tired and worn. I miss home, I miss the people, I miss the warmth. Not physically, but the comforts of home, family and just pure joy.

You can take me out of Penang, but you can never take Penang out of me.

Take me home, anytime and I'm game. Please.

Zoe

Fireworks | Travel

Welcome to the wonderful feeling of rekindling photos of fireworks.

Zoe

Confessions Thursday | Thoughts

To be entirely honest, world, I am tired. It's been a month and a half since school started and things are really not looking up. Aside from my grades, I haven't accomplished anything more than that. Making friends and feeling like I belong, trying to find a place in the world, that doesn't exist anymore really. I'm too tired out of my mind to try to belong anymore. What's the point of trying to get something that is not yours to have? 

A place to belong - that doesn't exist for me. 

Almost 4 months | Life

Its approaching the time of the month where I hit my 4th month here in the States. Kind of a scary thing to look back on, really. 6 months ago Zoe would never have imagined that she's still standing strong and surviving. But I am. And over these 4 months I have learned quite a great deal about things that me staying put and comfortable back home would never have understood. 

Pictures from my flight from Malaysia to the US. 

So before I begin, here's one of the things I miss. 

PANTAI KERACHUT. Well to be honest I've only been once. But I miss the idea of having a beach or rather a place like Batu Ferringhi just a half an hour drive away from the other side of the island. 

And the wonderful Penang Bridge. 

My double green colored wall. 

My candles, my messy wall, my messy cluttered table, my fairy lights. 

Things I've learned in the past 4 months. 

1. "What's the point?"

When you're slammed in the face with an obstacle or this bus in the face news like, "we're migrating.", there ought to be too many thoughts running through your mind. What went through mine was that I'd have to start over again. And how it took me 17 years to finally feel like I belong, like I have a place in the world, I have my small comfortable group of people I belong in, my weekend church routine and supper after, a few more months away from graduating, a few more months to getting my license. And then I thought, "what's the point?" because my grades were failing, I wasn't good at making new friends, I was hardly an extrovert, I don't want to move, I don't want to leave my friends behind because then our friendships would die down, I would find myself lost again, I won't belong, I'll be alone, yada yada yada. And to be honest, yes, I do still feel lost sometimes, I do still feel like I don't belong. But here's the thing that has changed. I know that there is a point to all this. Like for example, my studies has been the worst it has been for the past year and a half. But not until I started schooling here. I've been getting A's and grades above 90's and its way beyond what I thought I was capable of. It's insane and completely unbelievable. But I know that there's point to all this. There will be uncertainties and a lot of doubts, but deep down there's an assurance that there's a point and purpose to all this. Big Man up there know's what He's doing :) 

2. Loneliness. 

That's a touchy subject. Well, I have spent almost my first month in school struggling. My favorite hours in school is when class is going on. I hate lunch hours because then I have to worry about where to go, who to sit with, do I sit alone, do I eat, do I just stand like a statue? I hate group works, I hate having to introduce myself, I even hated the fact that I had to explain too many times why my transcripts were not complete, what type of Asian I was, where I was from (considering how a lot of people has never heard of 'Malaysia' ), why and how I was so fluent in English, being stuck in Freshman and Sophomore classes when I was a Senior. And I was a little fish in a big sea. There were tons of things I didn't understand. The system, the terms they use, what a rally is, what Intervention periods are, this and that. I thought that at that moment that I was completely screwed and I'm going to die because things suck so much. But lately it has been getting a little bit better each day. I still hate group work, I still don't feel like I quite belong, but it is getting better. And loneliness will never affect you if you don't allow it to. Because even if you do feel lonely, the people around you really won't even be wondering why you're standing alone by the pillar. People have too much of their own things to worry about that give even a fraction of their minute into wondering about you. Loneliness is often a good thing because it gives you a good amount of time to think about the things around you. What I had going through my mind was whether I was too desperate for company that I would rather feel lonely in a group, or would I rather feel contented alone? Is it worth it to shove my way through and not feel belonged in a group of people? No, it's not. Being lonely has made me realize that I won't do things or put myself in situations where I feel like gauging my eyes out or make me feel even the least uncomfortable.  It is important to do things for yourself sometimes. Even if it means an over amount of time to yourself than an over amount of time to people you don't belong to. 

3. Friends & Making Friends. 

The people that you leave behind, the ones that were really meant to last a lifetime would never feel like anything has changed. Because it shouldn't matter if you talk 24/7 a day or if you see each other everyday, it shouldn't be the determining factor as to if you guys were really great friends. Keeping a friendship doesn't take force at all. There is no need for the existence of forcing a conversation or trying hard to keep things going. The friendships that you try to keep going aren't the ones that will go on. The ones that you can talk when you can and the ones that you know will always be there no matter what, the ones that makes you feel like nothing has changed even after days of not speaking, conversations that flow effortlessly, those are the ones that will follow you till the end. So over these 4 months I have realized that I shouldn't have worried about my friendships when I left. Because distance, if it was meant to be, the friendship would never drift apart. As for those friendships that did drift apart though, it's okay. Because in life, you'll have friends for a reason, a season and till the end of time. Making new friends to me is one of the hardest thing. I can talk to teachers easier than making small talk with people of my own age group. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who has this issue. I do take the initiative towards the ones that I think would make great friends. I somehow have never turned out to be the one to make friends with everyone I meet. I guess you can say my inner introvert is very picky. It's because I somehow have this "limited" amount of hours I can socialize before I feel like I've hiked up the tallest mountain on earth, so I really would prefer spending my time socializing with people who I fancy. But to the people who I've been spending my time with, thanks for making me feel less awkward in a new place. 

4. "It's okay."

It's okay to miss home, it's okay to breakdown, it's okay to feel like the world is ending sometimes, it's more than okay to cry, it's more than okay to feel shitty about everything, it's probably okay to feel angry at the situation sometimes, it's okay to express yourself, it's okay to take a breather sometimes and it's more than perfectly okay to stop and just stay there for a while. Everyone thinks that being strong means to put up a mask and hide the tears and fake a smile, not tell anyone about their feelings because they would be a coward for crying, whining and expressing themselves. They put such a perception in our minds that being strong means to show no weakness, to be perfect, to never fail. But no. Being strong actually does mean to cry and to breakdown. How does one learn if they don't fall down? To be strong means to fall and get up again. Heck, to be strong means to fall and to TRY to get up again. Because lets be completely honest, when you fall, it is hardly easy to stand up again. Especially when you just keep getting shoved down when you're trying so hard to get up. Over and over again life just pushes you down. And that's hard. But no one is ever alone. And being strong never means hiding behind that mask that smiles and never cries. 

To be continued, guys :) 

But for now, this is just 4 things for the approaching 4 months.

Zoe