- | Thoughts, Life

July 6th | Thoughts, Life

Hi there. 

Have you ever had one of those nights? Those nights where your brain goes into this reflective frenzy, and you can't sleep and you play emotional songs and all you want to do is turn it off, turn everything off, forget it or just wished that you could have it all back? Well, need me remind you that you're not the only one and that I guess this is what it means to be human. How often do I have these type of nights? Often enough to want to sleep the whole day through. I know that things happen for a reason and I know that life has its way and God has this reasons and timing for every little bit that goes on. But these nights are the hardest to live through. Have you ever just sat down and wondered how the hell you got yourself here? Have you every just stood to look back to see the amount of hurdles you had to jump across, the amount of mountains you had to climb, the amount of storms you had to live through and the amount of people you had to meet along the way and you turn to look forward only to see a huge ass monster right at your face, and you're defenseless. Well, what are you going to do? What can you do? But most of all, where's the point in all of this?

Why does anyone do anything? I guess to me those questions have no short and simple answers. But through everything that I have been through, in all honesty I'm neither happy nor sad that I have gotten this far with everything that I have learnt. I wouldn't say I'm wise enough to face my demons though. I'm just tired. Though, who isn't tired? We're all tired in our own ways. We're all satisfied in our own ways, happy in our own ways. Heck, I hate nights like these. I don't know what I'm doing half the time, neither do I know what I'm going to do with my life. And I guess its harder when you don't have a goal and with no goal comes no directions. It's really funny how you just keep walking and walking and walking and one day you just stop and wonder how you actually got there in the first place. Sometimes you find yourself lost, sometimes you find yourself in the right place. Last time it used to be, "you need to stand up." then it used to be "you just need to keep walking. It doesn't matter where you're going. At least you're walking." Now that I'm walking, "you need to find a goal" or "where are you going?". It never is enough, is it? It'll never be enough. I guess that's hard because even taking a breather from nothing is pretty ridiculous. "how are you?" "Tired." "Tired of what? You're not even doing anything." Yup. That is right. A few years ago admitting that I was tired and lost used to be something I was so scared to admit because I knew that I was so much better than that. Not long after that it kinda became a part of me. Right now its just something I shamelessly admit because that's how things are. 

Goodnight world. 

Zoe

Photograph | Thoughts

I guess this is the only thing I like about photographs that carries really bad memories is that at that time and moment, it's all kept in a photograph and the memories are made for ourselves and despite what went on during then, our eyes were never closing and our hearts are never broken because the fact that time is forever frozen in that piece of photograph, is so true. That's the only reason why photographs that brings you down a memory lane of sorrow and heartbreak are still worth keeping. Ed Sheeran, thank you so much for this song. I am, in all honesty as I'm writing this really really emotionally tired. I'm having one of those days where I just want to be a baby and point fingers and cry about everything that goes wrong. But I know that that doesn't solve anything. But what's the point if the words you utter are nothing but a bunch of lies and empty words? Honestly I don't see why people need to waste their breaths to lie about things. Isn't it easier to tell the truth without having the after guilt feeling of telling a lie? What about the one that believed your lie? The one that put their trust in you, and all you did was just violate it whenever the hell you want just because you didn't think lying was that "big of a deal"? Come on, you could've done better. Also to those who likes to keep people on their hook. Those who treats people as if they own them. One minute of the day you exist to them and the next 23 hours and 59 minutes of the day you just don't exist. And that goes on for 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Well, truth be told I can treat an inanimate object better than you bloody treat a person. Urgh. 

Zoe

First Month! | Life, Thoughts, Travel

Month Number One. 

Here's a few things I have learned/realized or have found noteworthy. 

1. Food portions are bloooooooddddyyyy huggggeeeeeee 

2. It can get really cold and get really hot super fast

3. In the Bay Area, Summer is also Sweater Weather 

4. Ben's and Jerry's are the cheapest at $2.70 

5. People here mostly really love the sun. They obviously don't mind getting tanned. 

6. Dishwashers are convenient 

7. Where I'm at, people are really friendly. You can't go to the park for a run without needing to say  "hi" or "Hello, how's your day" while you run or walk. 

8. Schools go according to where you live. 

9. There's a lot of driving required to get around 

10. EVERYWHERE LOOKS THE SAME 

11. Blue, cloudless skies 

12. It is possible to sleep without a fan or AC and not burn to death 

13. Its also possible to get out of the shower and not drown yourself in sweat as you get out

14. It's makeup heaven here 

15. LAND OF THE AMA/ZING DRY SHAMPOO AND SALT SPRAYS 

16. Cherries, berries mmmm <3

17. Sun rises extremely early and sets super late during summer which is completely ridiculous, urgh

18.  tbc

Zoe 

YOU | Thoughts

If anyone is telling you that you're not that great, here's what I'm telling you! 

Have a wonderful day ahead :)

Zoe

I wish I knew.. | Thoughts, Life

Upon moving to the States and trying to get used to everything here, there was also one more thing I needed to do after settling down (aside from getting my driver's license of course *winks*) but as I was saying, I also needed to register for school because I'm basically stuck in the middle of somewhere, I wouldn't say nowhere. But back home, it was easy, it was simple. School only provided you with two options 

Science Stream, or Arts. And I honestly belonged in neither. But I'm pretty sure most of everyone felt that way too. Neither did we have a choice. I honestly remember how I wished for more choices, and being able to study what I want and pursue it, because at that moment I guess you can say I was pretty certain of what I wanted to do. But I was put into Science Stream, and I honestly really thought I could do it because I did pretty well from what I expected in my PMR back in 2012. Little did I know though, the whole idea of trying to grasp the idea of The Laws of Physics and the Periodic table of Chemistry and the whole point of Integration and how exactly do you solve a function like f(x) or g[h(x)] or how the heart works, and what exactly is Mitosis, or where the differences lies between Meiosis and Mitosis or what is the difference in Anaphase, Telophase, etc. Sure, all those is just only barely even the surfaces of Physics, Chemistry, Additional Math and Biology. And honestly I struggled so much, I gave up. I knew I didn't belong there, I knew I had no motivation to continue studying as everything that I enjoyed to do was stripped away from me. At that moment I guess I felt hopelessly useless because I understood nothing, and needless to say nobody really understood that they really shouldn't be throwing more gasoline into a burning fire. That was when I felt like my world kept burning down, everywhere there was failure, there was judgement, there were disappointment, not only from myself but from a lot of other people. Soon enough, I found myself slipping away from who I really was. Also, I guess my surroundings isn't something I can change. The mindset of those who thinks that tearing someone down is going to make them stand up stronger is super bullshit. I wish someone would understand that. But I know I learned that that's not the way the world works. Anyways, approaching my first month in the States, I had to apply for school, and I was so excited that they offered classes as elective subjects in fields that I had so much interest in. But it hit me hard when I had to pick the classes that I want and if it would benefit me in the future because, being in Year 12 ( Senior Year), they encourage you to pick classes that would be gearing you to the fields that you would want to pursue. And here I am, stuck yet again between what I want to do in the future. "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Heck, I really wish I knew. Its super uncanny how I didn't know what I was going to do with my life when I only had two choices. Science or Arts. And now, being blessed with a ton of choices, I still don't know what I want to do, or what I can do. I do have ideas in mind of what I want to do in the future. But needless to say, those are the things that you dream about and not the things that turns into reality. So really, I'm stuck between choosing courses that's going to help me. Because doing what I love, that's going to be amazing. Yes, we do hear a lot of people say that if you find a job that is something you love doing, you won't work a day in your life. But sometimes people do not understand that those things only applies to some people. I'm not trying to be a party pooper, but there are just some fine lines between doing something you love and doing something that earns you some income. Coming from a history of failure and torn down dreams and underachieved goals, I'm hoping that whatever I do this time around will be enough. Though, how do you work towards something when I don't even know what I'm aiming for?  If I geared towards dance, I won't have all the right proportions to do so. Not forgetting how the dancing world is a super tough field to work in. One is that you have to be the best of the best. Second is that its really very hard to find a job. Thirdly, the level of commitment you have to give is pretty hardcore. And if I went for music, heck I'm not talented enough, and neither do I have enough certificates and black and whites to support me. If I went for arts, in terms of drawing, designing, coloring. Lets just say out of 10 times, I only produce something nice maybe about twice, and thats because I got lucky. And if I went for Journalism or something writing orientated. I only write when I'm troubled, and I certainly do not want to be troubled my whole life, even if it meant I earned some money. If I were to be a photographer? I still struggle with the settings up till today, even on holiday, I get so disappointed that my settings that I have on my camera does not produce pictures I want. If I were to go into languages, I'm a jack of all trades, master of none in languages and that sucks. Because right now, I'm stuck. I'm out of options. 

Zoe

Take it, it's yours to break. | Thoughts