To You, You, You and You Too.

Dear you,

I don't know why I'm upset, but I guess it's best to be truthful. I have not been in the best place lately. In fact, I feel like I've been one of the worst possible versions of myself, masked with what seems to be normal. It upsets me that because of the distance and because I hardly have any friends here that I do not have anyone around. Nobody physically around. Yet, emotionally, it doesn't seem like anybody's around either. It upsets me every time I get issued an assignment that I need a helping hand with, I have nobody I really trust enough around to help. It demotivates me when I realize that I do not belong anywhere. Home isn't home anymore and right now, where I am makes me feel a stranger in my own skin. 

I find it so ironic how right now I have so much freedom. I'm independent enough to drive, I can easily go out. But freedom is nothing if you have nobody to share it with. Happiness is nothing if you have no one to share it with. And that's where I'm at. Where the only friends I have exist over a 5 inch screen. And yet, I don't know what goes on in their lives. I go to sleep when they wake up and they go to sleep when I wake up. I know it sounds like I'm moaning about life. Indeed I am. Moving to the US has taught me one thing more than others. Living in the US has taught me how to fake myself. Fake it till you make it. People see what they want to see. People hear what they want to hear. 

People back home is so adamant that moving to the US and living here is a dream. To them, they believe that a change of scenery somehow turns my life into a fairy tale. They tell me, "how bad can it be?" Well let me tell you, I am miserable. I am. If moving to the US is such a dream then tell me why I feel so empty. Tell me why I feel like I have nobody. Tell me why I can't make friends. Tell me why I feel like I don't belong and tell me why I have to tell the people who asks how I am without really wanting to know how I am doing that I am fine. Tell me why I feel lonely. Tell me why I feel like a stranger in my own skin. Tell me why I'm not getting more of what life has to offer. Tell me why. 

Moving to the US has made me such a bitter person. It's been almost 2 years and I've never felt so lonely in my life. I'm in a far worst place than I can care to admit. I'm so upset and frustrated that my pride and ego refuses to moan to an actual person and let them know exactly how I feel. At the same time, there will be no right words to say. What can a person do through a 5 inch screen? What if all you need is silence and a hug? Can they do that through a 5 inch screen? They can't. 

It's been 2 years of this loneliness. 2 years of isolation. 2 years of feeling miserable. 

Beauty

The word beauty can be defined differently by different people. There will be contrasting opinions regarding beauty, but I think that beauty that comes from within will hardly ever be subjective. While a person may be stunning on the outside, if that beauty does not mirror what is on the inside, I don't believe that a person can ever be beautiful. To be beautiful is to be a person with a beautiful heart. While I know that we are all not perfect and neither am I, I have made it one of the things that I want to work on this year. 

I understand that it easier to cake on some makeup and have people deem you as "beautiful" according to the majority's definition of beauty. But at the same time, I honestly feel that is it much more important to work on beauty as a person. What I mean by that is instead of being pretty, be pretty kind or pretty confident. The list doesn't even stop there. You can be a beautiful person by being gracious and thankful and well spoken. It is also considered beauty to know your self worth and to appreciate yourself for exactly who you are. 

I feel like despite the fact that they say first impressions matter, it definitely does not mean that the people you meet will remain permanent. It means that even if someone starts a conversation with you only because of your looks, it doesn't mean that they'll stick around after they've heard you utter your first sentence. It doesn't mean that they'll stick around after they've seen you mistreat someone. You'll know a person better when you see how they treat others. Juxtaposing to that, I am not implying that every person in the world who is beautiful on the outside is a horrible person. It's just that our culture today exaggerates on beauty on the outside instead of beauty on the inside. Why not strive for both?

To strive for beauty on the inside is very crucial and I believe that while it doesn't score a lot of points on the outward beauty scale because it will never be enough, I feel like to be a beautiful person is timely, classy and sexy in a certain way. The best part of getting to know someone to me, is seeing how they carry themselves and how they treat others. Striving for beautiful qualities that makes up a beautiful person has really challenged me in knowing my self worth. It is really easy to give in to attention when it comes to physical beauty. It's really really easy to stoop so low and act really shallow so that you get the attention that you crave. However, that will never satisfy.

Attention will never be enough when you are given attention because of the wrong things. But when you know that people genuinely appreciate you for your personality and your worth, it gives a different satisfaction to you. Just imagine this : would you be more satisfied if a person said that you looked beautiful or that you are a beautiful person? Would you be more flattered if someone said that your makeup looked good or if you are kindhearted and confident?

I'm striving to be a beautiful person from the inside out and I believe that people of this day and age should be reminded that beauty does not only reflect on the outside but it shines through from the inside. I'd like to be a person that is kindhearted and confident, well spoken and knows her self worth. I want to be classy, sexy and sophisticated because I am a beautiful person from the inside out. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and that's who I will strive to be. 

Love, 

Zoe 

Not Good Enough?

Hello, everyone. It's 2016 and I'm glad to say that I finally got my driving license. So I've been learning to drive on and off for about 6 months since June of 2015. My dad's been teaching me on the weekends that he's not busy and it's been a pretty slow process, but nevertheless I made it. So I scheduled my test about three weeks ago and the only available test date was for the 19th of this month. It was funny because I woke up on Tuesday morning and it was hailing with rain. It was pretty much reported on the news as a thunderstorm. 

Anyways, I did the test and passed on the borderline. Somehow, I should feel satisfied, but I don't. I haven't exactly told anyone how I felt about it except for the fact that I passed it. I actually do feel very disappointed because I thought I could do better. I've been trying to justify myself by saying that passing on a first attempt is pretty spectacular. But it hasn't really been working. It messes with my head and makes me second guess my driving. Maybe it's just me. But yes, 4AM musings should come to a stop before I emo any further. 

Zoe.

Loneliness.

There was an article that I read not too long ago that was talking about loneliness and one of the sentences in it really caught my eye. It said, "Because here's the thing about being lonely - it's not enough of a problem to warrant complaint. It is not perceived to be debilitating - you can still get up every morning when you're lonely, do a good job at work and be a healthy, productive member of society."  And I found that to be so true. 

To me, it has been something that I've been trying to sweep under the rug. Really, because there wasn't anything that I could do about it. With the fifteen hour difference, nobody is ever awake when I'm busy breaking down and balling my eyes out. Nobody is awake when I need them and you just end up coping with things by yourself. It's not a life or death issue, but at the same time it is. Sometimes I wish that I was better at this. I wish that I was strong enough, I wish that I didn't have to go through periods of loneliness where it gets so apparent to me that I feel like I'm not worth the company. It gets so apparent to me to the point where I convince myself that this is all I'll ever be. It becomes an insecurity, the fact that I'm alone. 

But at the same time, there's nothing anyone else can do. Neither is there anything that I can do. 

What do you do when you're lonely, depressed and insecure while trying not to sound like a whiney, childish, immature human being? 

New York : USABOUND!

I'm going to blog about New York when it's still fresh. Hehehehhe. So I flew out from Sacramento to San Francisco to catch a connecting flight that landed in Newark. There was a guy sitting next to me who carried on his Chihuahua with him. Which at one point, I was like thinking to myself, "is that even legal?" Well, apparently, it is. #learningnewthingseveryday 

Because of the time difference, when touched down, it was already late, there wasn't much I could do. The next morning however, I explored New Jersey. I went to this place called the Frelinghuysen Arboretum where every tree was either yellow, red or orange. FALL IS HERE! That's one thing about have extreme weathers I guess, you get to see extreme beauties as well. Where else in California, where we don't get rain, we don't get snow(NOT COMPLAINING) and so, we don't get extreme beauty because our temperature for Winter is the equivalent to the temperature for Autumn for the east coast. Anyways, pictures to show you what I mean by extreme beauty. By extreme beauty, it also means that it's everywhere. 

Also, I had Chipotle for lunch. MMMM MMMMM MMMMMM. 

Day 2 was New York 

We took the Subway to World Trade Center. We walked past ground zero and took a few pictures before we continued to walk towards Battery Park through Wall St. Then, we spent a few hours on Liberty Island before we visited Central Park and Times Square before we took the Subway back. New York is the most beautiful city I've seen. I guess I understand why people would rather go through the whole hustle and bustle in New York because when you walk out and see the beauty of the city it totally makes it worth it. Okay, pictures on the way.

Amazing timing when there was almost nobody there, except for the guy in black on the top left corner.

The view from ground zero.

I blend. 

View from the reservoir in Central Park. 

 And that infamous Time Square screen that takes your picture - spot me! 

The next day was filled with flights and now I'm safely home. 

I vlogged! So you can click here for a different feel of my trip.

Zoe

Self Discovery

Ever had those moments where you're like "wow, I'm that kind of person" (this of course relates to both good and bad self discoveries). I had this self discovery about myself just a few hours ago. 

I'm that girl who believes that she has to correct her mistakes

and redo what has been done to prove that I'm better than people think I am. 

In a lot of ways, I don't like the horror of  'past mistakes/shortcomings'. Which, I would say is a bad thing because people should learn to embrace who they were and what they did instead of denying that it happened. I'm that kind of person. The one who, if it's horrible then it really shouldn't have happened at all. If it's a lost friendship, then there should be no evidence of it existing. If I made a mistake, I'd better top it with something that is greater and better.

I always think that I have something to prove. But honestly, I'm still struggling as to who's approval I'm looking for. Others? Mine? or God's? 

Zoe

"I know", He said.

Lately, I'd have to admit that I've been doing better than before. Sure, there were the occasional "I don't want to go to college" moments. but I applied anyway because I knew that it was my only option. Then, there would be those nights when your head takes you on a trip down memory lane and you'd have trouble sleeping it off. But anyways, yesterday, was another setback moment regarding college application. Which really made me very very frustrated to the point where I just balled my eyes out. For a moment there, it felt like the rug that I was standing so firmly on was swept under my feet and before I knew it I was bust tumbling down in tears.

So, of course, the first thing I did was worry. Of course. Classic. Though, I'd have to admit that I was more frustrated and angry than I was worried. Lately, me and mom have been going to this Bible Study thing on Monday nights and we're studying the book of Revelations. We're at the part where Jesus sent his angels to John while he's in Patmos to write seven letters to the seven churches. And in each and every one of those letters Jesus starts of with, "I know". It's like a reassurance, but also something you should really keep in mind because He knows everything. He knows the things that you do, the things that you go through, your hardships and the things that are yet to come. And throughout my whole freak out session these two words were just stuck in my head. "I know, I know, I know". And in the letters written to the seven churches he specifically listed out that he know the struggles as churches and individuals and John's message was written specifically to the needs of each of the seven churches. In return, imagine the amount of words written in the Bible were catered specifically for you. 

The one that was in my head when I was in the shower was, 

Matthew 6:34 

So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's worries. Today's trouble is enough for today.

I'll get the situation figured out one way or another. Things don't turn out the way you want it because most of the times, what you want isn't what He has in store for you. 

Zoe