The Work Table - Where It All Begins

Are you one of those who has a messy work space, or a totally clean one? 

Mine depends on what exactly I'm working on. If it's art that requires mostly painting, I like more space and things to be out of my way so I can place my paint and my jar of brushes and my big canvas in the middle. 

If I were writing, I honestly don't care, as long as my hands have the space to glide over the pages of the notebook effortlessly without having to knock over things on the way. 

If I were working on school work with a lot of paper rustling situation going on, I'll lay everything on my bed right next to me to have a more organized space. Most of the time though, everything will be messy while I work and I'll enjoy cleaning everything up afterwards. Which is kind of odd because I don't think anyone likes cleaning up after their own mess. To me, it's pretty therapeutic. So when I start cleaning, it usually means that something is going on. 

Here are some pictures of my current table and work space setup. 

 

I have noticed that it's regardless what room I am put into, I will always always always have things put up on the wall. Bouquet of flowers, too always have a place in my room. Pictures are an essential and little ornamental snowball figurine things are too pretty to pass off and sit in boxes. I used old spaghetti sauce glass jars to put my coloured pens in one while I put all the sharp things like my scissors and penknives in the other. On my table, you will always find some sort of book/notebook and a lot of sharpies and black pens. When you see them, you'll know it's Zoe's territory. 

PS. If you love me, please buy me a macro lens :(

Thanks for reading! Baii!

- Zoe

When You Say You Can't, But Other's Say You Can

I don't know what's the gist behind the whole "when in doubt who do you believe" thing. Because we spend so much of our time tearing ourselves apart to the point when somebody compliments you, you automatically just know they're lying. I hate how my mind is so clouded by the fact that I don't know what I am capable of anymore. So just a few hours ago, I got asked to do something that never in a million years would I have ever ever ever say yes to. But in the spur of the moment, my stupid gut decided to convince me that I would be able to pull it off. 

So, here I am sitting here, typing this 4 hours later, shitting myself for saying yes. Then it got me thinking. How do you know when it's time to believe in what other's say about you, and when is it time to shut it off because your opinion is the one that matters most? Truthfully, I know my gut tells me that I can't do this. But everyone else is saying that I can. So who do you defy? The people who knows you and sees you from a different perspective than you do, or do you believe in you, the person who has only seen herself from one point of view.

It's really one of those moments when I know, I truthfully know that I cannot do it. I wasn't born to do it and I certainly don't have the talent to do it. I'm now stuck, responsible of a responsibility that I'm not equip to take. What do I do?  

How To : Deal With Difficult People

Disclaimer : I'm not a perfect person, but I try to see things from a different perspective. I don't often take my own advice and I'm not implying them on you, but I think it might be helpful to each of us. 

We often have difficult people in our lives. I, obviously have them too. A week or so ago, my mum was listening to a sermon that went along the lines of "you have difficult people in your lives because God knows you need them more than they need you." In simpler context, it really just means that you need them in your life. Why? Here's my first point.

1.Take Difficult People As They Are. 

Instead of trying your hardest to have them change to your expectations, why don't we change instead? People are the way that they are. We have absolutely no right to insist that they change for the better. People do their own changing at their own time and at their own pace. And even though they spend thy're whole lives being difficult is not any of our responsibilities to make them a better person. BUT, the responsibilities that we have is to make ourselves a better person. Now, I'm not saying I don't get annoyed and get angry, I definitely do. But sometimes, I guess we just got to understand people from their perspective even though their perspective is the most ridiculous thing you've heard throughout your entire life. 

2. Give Them The Respect Even Though You Think They Don't Deserve It.

When we start thinking that we deserve more respect than we deserve sometimes might really mean we think we are superior and above everyone else. I believe we all in some point of our lives feel like we deserve a little bit more respect than we are given. But have we ever thought of giving someone else the respect even though they don't deserve it? I guess in a way, this is one of the "perks" of growing up and trying to see things from a more mature perspective. It's hard, but if you don't do it, who would? 

3. Do All Things With Love. 

I have to admit, all of this is hard. Trying to be the bigger person through it all is a big pain in the bum. But, why do anything at all, if you don't do things with love? Frankly, it all just goes to waste if you don't do all things with love. It wouldn't be genuine, it wouldn't be honest. I know it's super duper hard. Nothing ever comes easy. But if you just try, most of the times you find yourself being a happier person despite how much you loathe that difficult person in your life. There's a certain triumph to the fact that you took the step to be the bigger person. 

4. Pray.

Hohohohoho. We can never do anything alone. This might be the most important and the one that requires most emphasis. Strength doesn't come from us it comes from God. And I'm not the most holy person in the world. But I know how important it is and how it's something that everyone needs. Being nice on the first day is easy. Smiling to your difficult person is easy. But maintaining it and keeping it as genuine as possible is hard. We all need a little prayer in everything we do. And mostly, in terms of having the patience and strength to deal with difficult people the right way deserves a whole lot more prayer. Be humble and admit that most of the times, you can never do anything alone. 

Like I said, I'm not the most perfect person in the world. But I'm trying to be a better one. 

Have a great day ahead!

Zoe

Open Letter To The Upper hands- 1

Dear Upper hands,

BEFORE READING THIS, IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE LONG ESSAYS AND RANTING AND SEE ME AS A SPOILED BRAT WHO ONLY KNOWS HOW TO WHINE AND COMPLAIN, JUST CLICK EXIT. HOWEVER, IF YOU'RE A TEENAGER AND KNOW THAT I MAKE SENSE, THEN PLEASE READ ON. OR NOT. 

                            I'm pretty sure that you have been wondering why nobody likes to spend time outside of their own rooms nowadays. And also, not forgetting the fact that when you ask me, "how are you?" I really just say, "like that lo" which really leaves to your own perception of how you think I have been doing. Why do I do this? Let's just say that people hear what they want to hear, and people think what they want to believe. And, that to me, its really the only way I know how to survive through this whole "situation" that you have put me through. If you think that the only reason why I've been keeping myself locked up in my room is because I'm going through the whole, "teenager" phase, let me enlighten you on the subject and tell you why it is not because I am merely a teenager and trying to keep myself sane and respectable as a person the best way I can.

                              1. I am really, really uninterested in the circumstances that you put me/us through. And being a teenager/young adult/almost legal person, I'd have to suck it up and take it like a matured person. The problem is also I guess in the fact that being my age, I only really have two choices : to suck it up, or to lash out. But obviously, being the person that you have brought me up to be, I have to just suck it up and accept the circumstances. There really is only one problem regarding this matter which brings me to the second issue I have.

                             2. Having me suck it up and deal with it, just because this is the way things are is not a very good thing for a young adult. You expect us to stand up for what is right, speak our minds and be honest and not let others step over you. And I cannot do either of that because somehow, in the household, every line just blurs. We are expected to bow our heads when we are told, keep quiet without being told(because it is implied), say yes regardless of the shit we get put through and smile through everything, even though we know it's wrong. Doing this is merely restricting us from our rights to stand by the things that are right. I often question the whole logic behind this. You tell us to grow up and be amazing kids, do what's right regardless of the cost, but here you are probably knowing, or not knowing that your ethics are wrong beyond question.

                           3. Suddenly, being about 60 years old means that you are always right. We are all humans, not everybody is right all the time. But the worst part of all of this, is the whole concept that if you're very much older than me, means you're always right. What exactly is with elders and the fact that they can punish us for our mistakes but they can never admit to their mistakes themselves? You teach us humility. You teach us to apologize when we do something wrong, and you teach us to never speak out of line. But you also make us loathe you for never accepting that sometimes, you may be wrong too. Have you ever wondered about the way things might turn out if you guys accept and admit that you've been wrong every once in a while? I know you've been 18 once in your lifetime, and you surely understood what it was like to stand beneath an elder who was point blank wrong and still nod your head and have them not admit to their mistakes. All I'm asking really, is a little more understanding.

                           4. Being an adult but never actually acting like one. Here's how I view adults. I see them as people who deserves my respect, not only for being at least 40 years older than me, but also for the fact that they've been through so much, they'd be wise enough to understand the things that we are going through. NOT act as if they are immortal, perfect and has never made mistakes or suffer like we do. I also do not expect from them the arrogance and stubborn-ness that they have within them. I expect an adult that I respect to be a person who, even if they do make mistakes, are not afraid or humiliated to admit to their mistakes and apologize for being out of line. I do not expect an adult to mess up but still stand firm with the fact that they we're never wrong and their actions were never ever out of line. I also do not expect adults to be those people who sees that the rules part like the red sea for them, like the rules do not apply to them, when it should clearly do.

                            5. Just as people say, babies and toddlers learn from observing their parents. Sure, it does start there, but need me remind you, that teenagers observe the elders and learn from them too. Now, let me ask you. How do you expect us to act like you tell us to, but we don't see it coming from you? For the longest time, while growing up, family has been my ideal role model. My perception of them, were that they were the ones I respected, they were the ones who deserved my respect because they have lived far longer than I have, and has been through a lot of issues that should've or would've been almost similar to my own. Thus, with that knowledge, they would or should be the most understanding human beings I know. Regardless of that, I have grown up to seeing humans accuse each other for not doing or following ethics and rules that they have set for themselves and others. My rule about life is pretty simple. If you lay terms out on a table, they apply to everyone at every corner of the table. Everything is a two way street. Respect is given to me, if I see respect from you. Now, just because I'm expect to bow at your feet because I'm younger does not mean that I expect you to bow at min because you're older. But I do expect your own version of it. There are many many ways of showing a person, who is younger than you respect.

                          6. Now, I really don't mean to sound like a spoiled brat. But life isn't all about nodding your head and saying yes like a puppet. I'm pretty sure if that was the sole purpose of things, we'd be inanimate objects, instead of being people who breathes and has voices to speak up against what's right or what's wrong. So please, just because we're much younger than you doesn't mean you have the rights to take away our voices to stand up for what's right. Just because you're 40 years older doesn't mean that we have to take the things, (who are clearly wrong) as they are, for what they are, just because you pull the, "you do as I say, when I say it, when I want it."

                         7. Now, here's the thing. I expect adults to handle situations like adults.  I expect you to sit down and talk to me about things if circumstances are changing and not hide behind the whole, "I'm an adult, do as I say facade. I will, take it as an adult if you give it to me like an adult. Anybody can play at the whole, "I will not explain myself, just do as things are" game.  Kids can play at that game. I can play at that game. And suddenly, when I give you a taste of the way that you've been treating me, I suddenly become immature and childish. Honestly, I wish I knew what you are thinking. I try so hard to be a mature person regardless of the situation. But one wrong move and I suddenly am not worthy of any of the respect that I have mercilessly given.

But of course, as a kid who is 18, I don't know what I'm talking about, I am speaking wayyyyyy out of line and I'm being a spoiled brat for saying things that nobody dares to say. 

Sorry not sorry. 

Now, I'm not implying that I'm the most mature person in the whole wide world. But I'm trying. At least, give me that. 

- Zoe 

3:24am

The last time I wrote was when I came back from my trip to Malaysia. Which, since then, I have officially graduated, seen Ed Sheeran and went to LA. Most of which does not satisfy anything to make me feel any better as a person. I've been rotting away for the past one and a half months since graduation, ashamed of the fact that I'm not ready to grow up. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I wish I knew. I wish someone would just tell me, or I'd wake up and finally know. Because this is frustrating. Not knowing and not understanding the whole point of anything. Usually, I'd write better content at three thirty in the morning, but I've just been lifeless for the longest time it doesn't matter anymore.

You are more 3.0

Hello hello!

Yes, yet again, I have been gone. But during this hiatus I have achieved a lot of things and not do a lot of things. But most importantly, I was home bound for 2 weeks and I'm here to tell you about the things my eyes has been opened to this whole trip. While nobody is going to read this, I believe 21 year old Zoe would in the near future.

So this trip back home was completely last minute. And truthfully I was not prepared to go back. When I told my close circle that I was coming back, they were excited to see me. I too was excited to see them. But at the same time I wasn't prepared to go back. To those who has left home and moved somewhere else you understand that trips back home when you haven't really exactly settled into your "new home" yet can be truly brutal. It can either scream, "I WANT TO GO HOME!" or it can be a realization that moving was a good idea and you just haven't completely seen it yet. 

To me, I was really scared of going home because going home was comfort. It was where everyone I loved was, it was where my family was, it was where 17 years worth of life was. I was afraid of opening old wounds when I had to come back. It was like leaving and packing up once again. The pain that was once unexplained, relieved once again. 

As the dates grew closer, I was even more gutted because I realized how much school work I had to miss, how important this class was because I needed it to graduate, how much responsibilities I had to the point that this whole trip back was not worth my time. I guess you can say I saw things at a very pessimistic angle. Anyways, my friend here kept telling me that there is nothing to worry about. Classes and school work is easy peasy for me and I'd get it done. Needless to say, my teachers were even very confident in the fact that I'd be responsible and there's no problems at all throughout this whole process. 

Two days before leaving I went to see my teacher to get all my assignments. I decided to finish all 14 assignments in 24 hours so I had nothing to worry about when I came back home. That went pretty well. I did complete everything and it felt great. When I was at my 8th assignment, my brain was pretty fried and thank God for a friend because he took me out and gave me a break. I got home pretty late too, that day. But I got home, completed assignments 9 to 12 and fell asleep on the table and woke up in the middle of the night to miserably crawl myself into bed. The next morning I promised myself no breakfast until I finished all my assignments.

The day came when I had to fly off. I endured 3 flights in one day, my 3rd flight got delayed by 50 minutes and made me late for dinner with my friends. We were supposed to meet at 7pm, but I touched down at 7:15pm instead. It was so hard to endure because I was so anxious to see my friends. Nevertheless, I was late, I showered and washed my hair in 5 minutes and we made it to Nandos! 

The next week was filled with the company of family. 

...

After that line, I did take a break, because I guess I don't know what else to write about my week after that. My week after that was amazing. I got back one day earlier( I was supposed to be back on Sunday, but we traveled on Sunday so my extra day was Monday) and that itself was filled with a last minute plan with the best friend, family-filled day. Monday was the day of goodbyes, where everybody left to their respective homes and I had a whole week of plans ahead of me. On Monday evening I sprung out a last minute plan on my friend and we ended up just driving(which also included the fact that I got to drive very very briefly) and going to a carwash, which was odd because you'd kind of expect it was the old school, get out of the car and they'll wash it for you, or the drive through machine thing, but instead this was both where you sit in your car and they actually wash it for you. It's pretty cool. On Tuesday I got to see two of my schoolmates who were my recess buddies who'd always steal your food and drinks. It consisted of never ending old habits, talks about our lives and how the past 10 months has been. Time flew by and we said our respective goodbyes as I headed off to the next plan. This next plan consisted of a car breaking down, playing a half a million baby grand piano, window shopping, choosing an expensive place to eat dinner just because of the music and an amazing time right after that. The next day was filled with mishaps the first part of the morning. We found out that someone close to us had passed, some plans had to be canceled, but I stuck to mine and everyone met up at the mall, once again, it was filled with last minute plans, dinner that dragged on to late night talks until the gang left at midnight. Honestly, by that day I was tired. But the plans kept on going. The next morning consisted of someone who I haven't seen in a while, it was a lot of fun. I got to go cafe hoping, taste berry tasting coffee, take more OOTD shots, ordered cake that had the most sour topping, scribbling on majong paper and being so stupid as to how we could transfer HD pictures when Bluetooth was an option all along. The day after that was a best friend filled day. We watched 2 movies, had famous amos all with milk, talked and cried until 3AM, got up at 7AM the next day for a workout sesh, had an amazing lunch, came home to a Skype session with the one in Australia that lasted for about 4 hours, headed over to church, see familiar faces, walked up to an alter call, got prayed for, cried my heart out, yet again and then we had supper and went home. The next morning was really just last minute. But I headed over to Starbucks to meet a friend, and we were supposed to take the bus together and head over for the best friend's sister's fashion show, but at one point it didn't exactly turn out right. I had to call on reinforcements and eventually we made it. Last minute turned to even more last minute because I followed the best friend back to her place and she made me watch Over The Garden Wall (I believe it's called?) and yet another last minute, she dyed my hair blueish green. I underestimated the time that was needed to wash out the dye in your hair, especially when it's a color like blue, I had a plan right after that too and I kind of stained the whole bathroom little splatters of blue as I was washing the dye out. OOPS. The next day, I headed over with the best friend to see my old school, the people in it, the teachers that I have made friends with and has nurtured me, teaching me lessons not written in the textbook,  my aunts came down for the day, we went shopping and for the weirdest mood, I was in a very very very terrible mood. I'm guessing it's really because I had to pack up and leave. But I had the best friend and her sister and the babi over for a few hours as we conversed and I was trying my best not to break down until they left. I succeeded, I didn't break down until they drove away, which was good and I spent the night literally just questioning why I had to pack and I didn't know exactly what to bring with me and what to not, because nothing else would fit in my bag that people would deem as large. The next morning we all headed to the airport, with mishaps and being late, my friends and I formed a circle in the middle of an airport like it was my territory. My best friend wrote me a note, my other friend wrote me a song, and I'm so thankful for that. Soon after that, I had to board and that was the end of my really really wonderful week.


There wasn't really a lot of tears. I got home to my bed and my pillows at 1AM and did not actually sleep until 3. But the day when I got back to school felt pretty darn great. My teachers were so welcoming and the people I never thought I existed to were glad to see me again. With this being said, that had made me feel so welcomed and so assuring that it's not wrong to feel like I belong in somewhere new.


Well, that's about it. Initially, the whole plan was to write this post situated on how important you can be to someone and how you don't see how much of an impact you make on somebody and this and that. But I've been trying to finish this for the past week and a half since I've got home, but I can't really bring myself to do it, hence the title. But obviously, no one is going to read this. So why do I try? Meh.

Thank you to those who made my trip meaningful. I really appreciate it and I hope to see you guys soon.

You know who you are.

Hello, again.

Hello again. I know I'm being highly inappropriate for disappearing for so long. Although, I know that it probably doesn't matter very much if I hit the publish button or not. But through this whole hiatus I've been at it again. By it I mean abstaining from picking up my phone or my laptop to start typing out my feelings. I understand that "artists" or "creative people" gets their drive from emotional situations or Sam Smith wouldn't have written a Grammy award for his album. But when it comes to me, I guess there's a line between producing something that is actually art or something that is annoyingly depressive. 

But through this whole hiatus, I've haven't been up to much. I've been feeling very unproductive and my life has consisted of school, lunch, sleep, TV and sleep. Honestly, I wouldn't want to call myself depressed anymore, because I know what depression does to me and I certainly do not want to be her anymore. Anyways, as of right now, I still don't know how to yank myself out of this situation without sounding too hopeless and helpless. Earlier last week one of my friends briefly commented on the fact that my social media is spreading a lot of negativity. Not in those exact words, but along the lines of those. And I just shrugged it off because it was normal. Its something that I have been told for years and days after that it got me thinking. 

I wanted to say a few things regarding it to him at that time. I was going to say suck it up, because it's my social media.  But at the same time, I sort of understand why I do. And it's not a good reason to hide behind but ultimately, I don't reach out. Not because I don't have anybody. But sometimes things are really too stupid and petty to rant about. Then there's also the fact that if I were one of my friends, I honestly wouldn't want to listen to me as well. Time difference has been an issue and I'm lonely. Posting my sorrows on social media seems to actually be the only option because then at least I know that someone is actually reading.

But that's not the right way to go, now is it? It isn't right. I guess that's what I've been doing with this blog. Abstaining from posting really depressive things because the world just has enough of it. But what about us? What about the ones who are weaker than the ones who are able to put on a show, the ones that are able to lie about their feelings? I don't see why anyone should lie about their feelings. Because it's pointless to fake happiness when it only kills you inside. People keep saying that we need to keep our masks of smiles and laughter on because the world is too broken, that the people in it are too broken. Here's my question though : are you doing anything about it to help the situation? Or is the world supposed to be oblivious and put on their own masks and mind their own problems? Because cringing away from sadness and denying it's presence and sweeping it under the carpet and expecting it to go away is not how it works. Don't expect someone to sweep their problems under the carpet just so you can keep your perfect picture of a perfect, beautiful world. I honestly believe that if you think depression is cringe worthy you would do something to help, rather than sit back and complain as to why someone isn't strong enough to conceal their feelings.