Loving me.

Hello world! Sorry for the one week hiatus. I really just haven't found the time to update. But here I am now. Let me tell you about the story of a girl. And that girl, is me, So a few days ago, I hit the 5 months since I've been here mark and to be honest, I've had two weeks in a row where things weren't bad. I had bad days, but I didn't feel terrible. I didn't hate the world. Everything went pretty fine. I'm fitting in better, I feel somewhat belonged, I feel comfortable. So with my lack of free time lately I also haven't been journal-ing or doodling. So just about an hour ago after coming home from cell group I decided to pull it out. Because I have so many things to be thankful about that my future self would like to be reminded of. So here I was, jotting down all the things that I am thankful for and what not. And I came across the very first page. Ever since I fell into depression and became this zombie that even myself didn't recognize, in the beginning of 2014, just like everybody does, I wrote myself this new years resolution. But the difference was I wrote things that I knew I needed to do, and the things that I'm going to succeed in. To my surprise, I followed it. Here's a picture of it : 

I guess you can say that my New Year's resolution was more of a reminder than a resolution. But regardless though, this piece of paper helped me stay on track. I was in a seriously dark place. And sitting here now, I still remember how much I thought the whole migration thing was just really going to screw me over. But it really hasn't. I'll get back to that in a second. Apart from my resolution, I also decided to use my doodling skills to try to put encouraging things in my journal. 

So essentially you guys, I was in a bad place. I didn't know my self worth, I hated myself. I loathed myself every chance I had, I let my imperfections and insecurity get to me in all the worst ways. And I made it a point for myself to love myself by the end of this year. While I know it isn't a race to learn to love yourself, if you don't set a goal when will I ever start? So while at the time when I said by the end of 2014 I will love myself, I was pretty certain I was never going to get up. I was going to stay down, beaten, defeated. I was a horrible human being. I was lifeless, sad, depressed, negative, all the time. I was just a horrible human being. While everyone was disappointed in me for staying down so long and just letting myself be this person who was sad all the time, I couldn't be bothered what they thought of me. I was those who had the mentality that if I don't see anything that's worthy in me, then I sure as hell do not deserve anyone else's love. So I did what I do best. I pushed people away, I shut myself off. All I knew at that time, I was just going to be sad. Because that was easy. Being sad and depressed and hating myself for all the wrong reasons was easier than facing that person in the mirror with all her insecurities and accepting that that's who I am. I guess in a way I am very thankful that I could've expressed my depression through art. In a way, it's a blessing that I didn't keep it in. But in a way I also created negative art. I'll show you a few of what I had. 

So when I thought this whole migration thing was going to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me, now I see that it hasn't. Now I can tell you that I accept my imperfections. I can tell you that I honestly don't care about the scars on my face or my hairy arms and legs, but mostly, I'm not sorry for my personality and who I am. I'm not proud of the girl that fell into depression. But falling helped me get to where I am now. I can truly tell you that I am not insecure anymore. I have learned that loneliness doesn't take place just because that's how others make you feel. Loneliness and insecurities are what you are making yourself feel. I've learned to appreciate the person that I am for who I am because there never is going to be another person like me, ever. So yes, migration has been one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. While leaving comfort behind wasn't that great of a thing, while I'm still trying to fit in is in process, it's a good thing that I got yanked out of my comfort spot. 

I'm not saying I don't have bad days. We all do. It's just the ways we handle it. It's just the ways we decide to see it as. And yes, some days I do not handle it very well and on some days I shrug it off. Regardless though, being here and meeting new people and the new people that has been put in my life, or the 3 months of summer where I had no one and the first one a half months of school where I was so torn, lets just say its something necessary for me to get to where I am today. 

Loving others is simple. Loving yourself, that's hard. 

I used to question others about how they can love me when I don't even love me. And in simple words, if you don't love yourself, if you don't see your self worth, you're only going to push people away consciously or unconsciously. 

It took me a lot to finally see it and I'm thankful that I'm no longer that sad, depressed, lifeless zombie. Not forgetting the people who has stuck with me through all my crap, they understood and they continued to shower me with love and support regardless of how much of an ass I was/am(?) :P But yes, without their support and love, and God, I wouldn't know where or what I would be. 

Thank you, you guys for continuing to shower me with love and just having a place for me in your hearts even when I wasn't exactly me. 

:)  

^ 

just a little reminder for those of you who are still struggling. 

<3 

You guys can do this. One step at a time, one day at a time. It's just a bad day, or a streak of bad days. Not a bad life. 

Zoe

USA Bound : Halloween

So The Pointe church hosted a Trunk or Treat event on Halloween and here are some of the pictures. Being a girl who has never celebrated Halloween, I am glad my first was celebrated with this Trunk or Treat event :) 

Happy Halloween!

 Zoe

Asian Parents.

So first of all, I'm not being an ungrateful child and this is by no means meant to hurt anyone's feelings. So if this isn't your kind of post, you can hit the ctrl W or the X on your top right corner. And if mom and dad you're reading this, you brought me to a country with the freedom of speech. So, here's me firing away. Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. But sometimes even you feel very "UGGHHHH" went it comes to people you love. If you've never had that feeling, then GOOD FOR YOU. 

So as most of you guys would know, I'm not the brightest student back in Malaysia. I was never a straight A's student. And it was just the way it is. And I guess I got the sense that my parent's were definitely not proud of it. Heck, even I wasn't proud of it. So anyways, to cut the story short, here I am now, doing fairly well. Leaps and bounds more better than before ( Thank you, Big Man up there <3 ). And I guess it might be because of my lack of social life, I honestly don't know and I honestly don't care. 

So about two days ago, I was freaking out beyond words of an Algebra test I had to take on Wednesday because I was clearly not prepared for it and I didn't know what I was doing. First time ever since I got here that Algebra made me cry. Anyways, I didn't even have the time to go for free period to seek the advice of my teacher before lunch break to confirm if what I did was right, because the questions on the review sheet she gave us had some funky equations. So obviously I wasn't even near prepared. So either ways, to cut the story even shorter, I sat for the test like some idiot, really. I was thinking to myself if I get a B I would be happy. And I just want my score up to a 90 something. 

So either ways, we got our scores back today and guess what? I scored a 100%.. Which to me, I've never gotten. Especially on a ridiculously challenging paper. And I'm currently at the top of my Algebra class. Which I was never ever close to ever. Milestone, I guess you can say. So obviously, I screenshot the results online and sent it to my family group chat. And previously I dropped a class and it's in the electronic grade book thing, so it's still there. And obviously since I'm not taking that class anymore the record just shows I failed it because of on going missing assignments to a class I clearly do not take anymore. 

So the first reply was, "Oh why is ELD English an F?" 

I kind of wonder of words like "good job!" "Congratulations" or even "keep it up" Exists in any Asian parents' mindset.

I know my previous F's were nothing to be proud of. But come on, a 100% on a test and a 98/100 for the whole grade is still not good enough? If that's not enough, then what is? I know I have like what 2 marks more to a perfect grade and I know regardless of the 98 I still have a lot to learn and improve on, but seriously though, I couldn't even be more discouraged. 

If this is not enough then I don't even know what is.

Get my frustration now? 

Bet you don't. 

All I have are rounds of applause for the amazing discouragement. I'm not expecting a party, or royalty treatment. But a simple acknowledgment would do.

OH BUT WAIT, IT DOESN'T EXIST!

Ha ha. 

Anyways, here's a contrast of frustration and then positivity. There was a great view this morning. And I shall share them with you 

Didn't mean to rant, but I had to. 

Have a great weekend!

Zoe

OOTD Sunday

I wouldn't consider myself a very fashionable person when it comes to following the seasons. But here's my ootd for today, and I think I did good on my Fall inspired outfit today, since it's not Summer anymore, and the weather has been getting colder! :) 

I also put together a video of outfits I have been alternating and wearing to school, or some outfits along that line, mixing and matching to try to coordinate with the season and the state of the weather :) 

The video includes the following and more : 

If you're interested, click the link below, if you aren't then don't bother! :D 

Summer to Fall Transition Outfits!

Have a great week ahead :) 

Zoe

Uncomfortable situations.

Here's my say on uncomfortable situations. If you feel uncomfortable, get the heck out of there. If it's not something you're comfortable with doing, seeing, saying, then don't do it. Walk away, really. Just pick up your things and walk away. That's my views on it. I do not see any reason as to why anyone should have to sit through uncomfortable situations in which you have a say in on whether or not you get to walk away. If you have a choice, use it. Get out of there. Draw the line, respect yourself enough to walk away from the things that makes you feel like crap. Because nobody has the say over who or what you should do. Sure to others it may look like you're running away. But seriously though, who's running away from who? Nobody's running away from anything. It's just decided to put themselves out of the misery or being uncomfortable in a crappy situation. Its that simple. So the next time you feel guilty for walking away and deciding to not put yourself in a horrible situation, don't feel bad. Be proud that you decided to feel comfortable rather than put yourself out there in uncomfortable situations that do not benefit you.

Respect yourself to walk away, guys. It's not wrong. :)

Zoe

Socializing.

I don't know if you guys have paid attention but the amount of posts that I'm generating lately has plummeted to at least 4 a week. This might be a result of my lack of social life. But putting thoughts into words has been my escape lately. I didn't have a bad day today, neither did I have a bad day yesterday or the day before. Except for the fact that it's getting colder. Might I add, I do not appreciate waking up to 7 degree Celsius and having to get out of bed. drag my butt to the bathroom and then drag my butt out of the door. 

I like my warmth. Like most Asians. I do love my warmth. But not the humidity. Anyways, putting that aside, I just really enjoy walking to school. It's a combination of three of my favorite things. 

1. Sunrises.

2. Morning Walks. 

3. Alone Time. 

I'm happy I get to have that every morning before I start the whole process of school. 

Anyways. my lack of social life and the lack of physical best friends has been excruciating. I survive. But it'd be nice for people to exist in the same timezone as be okay. But nevertheless things are great. 

Have a great day, guys!

Zoe

Hello!

Just let this sink in okay, we take a lot of people for granted in our life. Now I want you to take just a little while to think about just one person you know you have taken greatly for granted in you lifetime. Have you got that person in your thoughts? Yes? Good. 

Taking people for granted definitely goes in a circle. I take somebody for granted, that person takes another person for granted and the cycle goes on. I'm not saying it's a good thing. It isn't very nice to be taken for granted. And it certainly isn't a very good thing to take others for granted. Sure, there will be those people that you know you just won't click with, those who wants you more than you'll need them. It's a mean thing to say, but that is yet another cycle. But my point is, people are like puzzle pieces. Not every corner fits with one another. And that's okay. That's life. But taking people for granted is a different story. Rather, it's choosing to not make corners fit. Here are someways I think you can help yourself to not take others for granted. 

1. Stop, pause. 

Did you just act like that person didn't exist before your eyes? Why did you just do that? Did you just walk that person by, knowing of their existence? Come on, we all know what it feels like to feel invisible to the people we wish knew of our existence. If you don't know how that feels like, maybe you're lucky. But it doesn't give you the green card to take people for granted. Anyways, just stop. Just pause. I know sometimes life gets the worst of us. And we lash out, we don't say thank you, we're just brats sometimes. And we're human so that's okay. But just stop and pause. Just go up to that person, say hi. Be a good friend. 

2. Often say, "thank you."

Ever experienced what the simplest thank you can do to you? Yup, just like the impact on others to you, you can impact others too. Even for the simplest things really, show others that you acknowledge them. Being thankful for their existence, being grateful that they're in your life. Appreciate them for being who they are. One of my teacher's wrote me a note today and one of the lines said, "thank you for being you!" Just like every other person on Earth, we're all special. And don't you think it's so much better to just be appreciative of a person's existence, of their personality, that they're original? Rejoice in the fact that there's only one of them in the world. One and only. Just like you. 

3. Go out of the way for someone. 

I'm not saying to drop everything for someone all the time. I'm saying take a few minutes out of your day to just say hi to someone, or compliment them, or just catch up, or boost someone's day. Even a little gesture that takes less than a minute can make someone's day. And just like how you would smile and be delighted at a person's simple text, how do you think other's would react to yours? The little things are the big things, guys. Remember that. 

4. Smile. 

I know I don't do very well that this often. But I'm working on this. Smiling at others is one of the simplest ways you can make someone feel appreciated. Smiles are great bursts of positivity. It's technically all full of optimism and good vibes, guys. Spread the smiles, spread the optimism. 

5. Trust. 

This is crucial. This is the root of all things that relates to taking people for granted. When people trust you, it's important. It's just like people say, priceless. You can't put a price tag on trust, or love, or kindness. If you ever misplace that, you're never getting it back. Treat everyone with care. Treat everyone like they're important because they are. Treat them like you want to be treated. :) 

That's just a few of it guys. Nobody likes to be taken for granted. Make everyone you meet feel like they're worth it because they are worth it. 

Zoe