Aug 5th - Midnight Musings

Song of choice for the night : Chariot by Jacob Lee

Spotify Playlist of choice : Chill-ish

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Here's my battle of the week(or, battle of the millennium I should say). Have you ever had something that you know is bullshit but believe it anyway? Have you ever did something that you know you shouldn't do, but do it anyway? What about the thing that you know you're way above, but still stoop so low for it anyway? Yes? That's me and overthinking. I feel like my brain believes that I do not deserve a shred of happiness. My overthinking is always trying to ruin a good thing with the bad things. And I'm so done with it. I constantly feel like I'm at war with myself. I'm always trying to realign my thoughts and separating what I know is true and what I know is full of crap. 

I really want to be what my name means. "Zoe" means life. And I feel like I haven't been life in a very long while. I feel like I am constantly fighting for this thing people call happiness. I feel like the one who's stopping me from really being happy is me. And it's infuriating when I can't tell my head to shut it. It's infuriating that I can't have free time because my brain decides that it's happy hour to go on a overthinking marathon. It's so frustrating that I have to constantly tell myself to stop believing the lies that my brain is constantly feeding me. I often feel like I am going to combust and burst into flames because of how much of these thoughts that I cannot take. 

The hardest part lately is that I feel like I'm looking at this happen from a glass window. I used to believe my thoughts. I used to blindly and blatantly accept that my unnecessary thoughts are true.  But now, I feel like I've grown to the point where I can easily call bullshit on my thoughts. The hardest part is seeing myself succumb to them. It's like watching myself fall into a deep dark hole in a glassed box. I see it all happen right before my eyes. I see through the lies, I see through it all. But I also see myself falling deeper and deeper into it. 

I know that it gets harder before it gets easier. And I'm glad that I'm able to differentiate my thoughts between what I know is true and what I know is a bag of lies. I'm thankful that I've grown and gotten to the point where I want to snap out of it, to do something about it. I'm grateful that I am no longer at that point where I let it consume me without a fight. I fight it, I try my damn hardest to not let it get to me. The most heartbreaking thing is that most of the times, it still gets to me. 

I yearn to be strong. I yearn to be full of life, full of light. I want to be known for my smiles and not for my frowns. I want to have a few bad days amongst great days and not good days amongst bad days. I want to not be full of worry. I want to be full of life. I want to be able to live up to my name. I want to be filled with kindness and compassion. I want to be filled with comfort and joy and the peace that surpasses all understanding. I long for the day when I will be able to say that my worries don't trouble me. I long for the days when I don't have to explain why I'm sad, worried or overwhelmed for no reason. I long for the days when I do not have to rant about my overthinking on my blog because it's too stupid of a deal to say it out loud. It sounds stupid when I put it in context. It sounds so foolish when I say it out loud. It sounds ridiculous when I am the reason for my lack of joy. 

I know that to be human is to feel all these emotions. But I want to be the human that feels the great emotions more often than I feel the dark ones. It's tiring. It's emotionally and mentally draining. Not only for me, but also for the ones around me. And I don't want to be that person who walks around with dark cloud hovering over me. It's too much. I can't do this thing called living if I keep getting weighed down by insignificant thoughts. I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't.