School | Life

So apparently there's this thing called, "school". 

Honestly, I think school is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. It's one of those things that I hated with my guts. I cried almost everyday in preschool, I hated leaving my mom and I was always late. I guess I wasn't a very brave kid. I was a wuss and a chicken who cried over everything. Then moving on to primary school, I cried on my first day because A. I was the only Chinese girl in the whole "Standard 1" and I didn't know how to converse with the other kids and B. I spilled my Milo on the streets. I cried my eyes out. Even then I already felt like I didn't belong. (Wow, that was fast, eh.) Then one week after being at that school, I was moved to a bigger school, and I think I was God blessed because I was put in the same class with a few of my preschool best friends, and we eventually got closer throughout the years of school, and I'm also super lucky to be in contact with one or two of them. Even at that young age, I already had to say goodbye to a friend who moved out of state, had a little girl drama (gosh, such embarrassing times) and made friends to last a lifetime. I also cried for every first week of primary school for 4 years. I'm so proud. But my few years in Primary school has taught me that you don't run away from your problems. I used to have this crazy music teacher who would I guess want everything to be perfect or you'd get your ear's pulled, and your books tossed and your shirts pulled by her, back and forth. And she scared the crap out of me. She was the biggest most feared person I have ever encountered. And that says something. I dreaded going to her class so much I actually asked my mom if she could send me late to school so I could skip her class. That didn't turn out very well. I ended up still having to go in for her class and I got pretty screwed for that. So yeah, lesson number one : Don't run away from your problems. Lesson number two : You'll make friends and you'll lose some. One of the things I hated about being in the last year of Primary school was the fact that my friends and I would actually end up going to other schools. And towards the last two years of school I was in a pretty good place. Great friends, no more scary music teacher, everything was great. And I hated the thought that I would lose all of that and having to start over was such a crazy thought for me. We all know that once everyone goes to secondary school after primary school, your bonds most likely won't be as tight anymore, and that's true. But it took me a few years to realize that your best friends aren't those you HAVE to talk to everyday to keep things going. They are definitely those who makes you feel like no time has passed by even after a hiatus of communication. Anyways, my first year of Secondary school was pretty crappy. I hated my school, I didn't particularly like the people I was surrounded with and my gut told me that I didn't belong there. Not even for a second. I didn't learn much there, not in terms of studies, but in terms of life lessons. I was pretty much a goody goody girl in secondary. (Guilty). So after my horrible first year, I moved (YES AGAIN) to another school a little further than where I lived, but that's okay. Because that school has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. EVER. I don't even know where to begin. I have had blood, sweat, tears, laughter and heartbreak in that school and I couldn't be more thankful. The teachers are great, the people, the environment, it was amazing. I'm pretty sure most of anyone from Hamid Khan would second that motion. Sure there were flaws and things that you'd dislike. Like the assembly sessions that dragged on for wayyyyy too long and over priced and completely unhygienic canteen food. But other than that, I enjoyed my 4 years there. And having to have left school earlier than everyone else did, it's discouraging. BUT, back to the lessons part. Here's a few things I've learned. Lesson number three : There will be different types of people in the world. There will be those you'd wish you could rip their heads off, those who has absolutely no sense of common sense and humanity, those you'd hug to death, those who just makes you smile like an idiot, those who will stick by you even when you get into trouble, those who cause trouble, those who gets into trouble with you, those who points fingers when they get into trouble, the rebellious ones, the smart ones and the "famous ones". And its just a little introduction to the people you'll eventually meet when you're older in a more massive quantity. Sometimes even more vicious and cunning. There will also be those who you're supposed to stay away from and those who brings out the best in you. Lesson number four : People can hate you, but they can't do much about it. This is hard to admit. But no matter where you are, no matter how hard you try to please everyone, there'll always be someone out there who won't like you. And you know what? They can't do anything about it. Sure there'll be the stares and glares and sometimes even the whispers and even the almost too direct murderous Facebook statuses. But so what? Yes, you'll get pretty mad and annoyed and you'd also want to rip their heads off, but so what? They can't do anything about it. They just have to suck it up and deal with it. *flashes huge grin* Lesson number five : You learn to have fun. As much as being in school and studying goes, I've learned to have fun. Because you can't do one thing and feel complete without the other. Where I came from, we had a lot of fun practicing for school events, taking opportunity of free periods and in between lessons and even our second recess times. But if they were to trap us in the classroom for 7 hours of a day, I honestly wouldn't know how crazy I'd be right now. Lesson number six : You learn to immediately come up with excuses. I'm guessing it'll be convenient in the future. And the triumph of when your "excuses" saved you. Hehehehehe. School also taught me to stand up when I fall.  How? Well, for around 2 years, I dreaded going to school. I hated waking up early and having to put on a face and go to school, go through my day when all I really wanted to do was cry my eyes out and sleep for the whole day. Because everything was crashing and burning and I was dying a little everyday inside. And I didn't want to go to another place that reminded me of all that hurt that I was going through. But what do you do when you have to do something you don't want to do? You do it either ways. Why? Because its a responsibility. Because its an obligation and because you have to. The world doesn't work according to what we want when we want and how we want it. Because if it was, I would still be on my lazy bum crying my eyes out and hiding out in my little hole. But we have to do what we have to do. And it also means standing up when you fall. When you crash and burn, when you just want to stop everything and let yourself wallow and drown. But no, you don't quit. You get up, you go to school, you finish your homework, you keep on going. Then there's also the fact where you learn to improve and be better. If you just stop for a moment and look back to the moment when you first stepped in to school and compare your life from when it was and how it is now, let me point this out even if you see it already. A LOT HAS CHANGED. And that's a good thing. Because change always happens for the better. And most of the times things has to crash and burn before they turn out to be beautiful. Also, not forgetting the friends you have made, the people you surround yourself with, your little chosen family. I think its pretty amazing. So the whole point is, you don't go to school just because of your academics. Going to school teaches you things that even schools can't teach you. These lessons that you learn, you won't learn until you've been through them. And no amount of money can help you until you've gone through them. And every lesson is unique to everyone in their own special way and that blows my mind, because its pretty darn amazing. I have made memories to treasure, lessons to learn, people to love and cherish. It's all there. And having to leave that and go to somewhere new to learn more lessons without anyone I know is pretty terrifying. But life is a learning process. And I'm so thankful to be a part of it. The good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful. So as I start school in 2 days, here's to many more lessons to learn and people to meet and places to go. 

:) 

5 Science 1, much love from the US. 

One thing I'll miss when I start school : Uniforms :) 

1 Malaysia Spirit : That's what you'll never get anywhere else. 

Also, Hidup Hamid Khan :D

* suffering a very bad case of homesickness and the fact that I miss school a whole lot. *

Here's to 9 more extra months of school! 

Zoe

Dilemma | Beauty, Life

A what? A dilemma. Here's a common phrase I can guarantee you almost every girl's closet would hear. 

"I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR!" 

But honestly I think my dilemma is a 

"What to wear?" than a "I have nothing to wear." 

This is hard. I'm dying. What do I even wear to school. Can someone just bring me back to Baju Kurung's and Skirts and Blouses and White Shoes and socks above the ankle and hair tied up neatly? 

:( 

You honestly would think any pair of jeans and blouse/t-shirt would do. But why does this have to be so hard?! 

BRB while I rummage through a closet of "WHAT TO WEAR?!"

Zoe

7 Things They Never Tell You About ... | Thoughts, Life

Being A Teenager. 

1. Once you go forward, you can never go back. That's one thing they never told me. When I was younger, all I wanted to do while I watch my brothers go out when they wanted, could go out on weekends, or skip going back to hometowns because they're "older". And there I sat for 16 years, wondering when was my chance. But I didn't realize the amount of things you have to go through to reach that stage. Because for the past one and a half year, I got half of that chance. I got to go out on weekends, I got to make my own plans, I got to have me time without being constantly hammered about me being TOO young or I'm not at that age to be able to go out for a few hours on a Saturday. I could remember wishing wanting to have my weekends alone, without my parents. Not so I can do something rebellious but so I can have a breather. But ever since we've been growing up, my brothers and I, I hate to admit the amount of family time we've had. We didn't have much. Because between the three of us, I would say we had quite a big age gap and I spent half of my life growing up, arguing with my second brother, and that same half getting along with my first brother. Approaching this second half, or rather one quarter, I miss the family times we have had. Because everyone's grown up, there's barely a time we all sit down at the dining table for a meal. Or birthdays aren't taken seriously anymore. Road trips barely matter because someone is ought to have their own plans in the middle. I can't say it doesn't break my heart because it does. But yeah, once you go forward, (in this case, as you grow.) you may never go back. So my tip, enjoy every second of your family time. Because those people are the ones who will have your back no matter what the cost. They are the ones who has unconditional, unexplained love for you. They've seen you at your worst, at your best, all of you, and regardless of who you are, they love you. 

2. Falling in love. Haha, this is exciting. Well, what can I say about this? The whole, "don't get a boyfriend/girlfriend until you're older" thing. There are a few things they don't tell you about this. Your feelings are not a switch you can turn on or off. That's one thing. They might only tell you not to get into a relationship (or maybe they won't hoping you would read their mind. haha, who does that?) And so you do what every teenager who THINKS they're in love does, go behind your parents' back or something. Its frustrating enough that they expect you to know their expectations of you, to top it all off, they look at you like they're extremely disappointed at you when you do something they didn't exactly tell you not to do. And not to mention the absolute no support when I was falling down to my deep dark hole. Mmmm hmmm. Moving on, I guess this one a lot of people do tell you. First Love Is The Hardest. Sticking to the love subject, yep, first love is the hardest. Your first one is the one who makes you believe in love, and that someone other than your family can love you just as much for who you are. He/She would be, at one point of your life, your support system, your source of joy, your best friend, your easiest hello and your hardest goodbye. You'd sit there thinking to yourself, "he/she is the one who complements me, not completes me." (Because, do note that we're already complete. A loved one brings out your best, and vice versa. You don't need another person to complete you. You already are. :) ) So anyways, first loves are the most beautiful. Some people make it all the way, some don't. And to those who don't, I guess what they never told you was how hard it would be to wake up one day and realize that that someone that you were with, for a year, maybe more, maybe less, you just realize that that person is gone. The things you used to know about them, your inside jokes, the things you've learned from them, the things you've learn about them, they hardly matter anymore. There's just this one big fat hole where your heart used to be. And that the way it hurts, no amount of words can explain how much it hurts. It's like looking into the mirror, not knowing who you are anymore. Not because you let the other person define you. But because there was always this other half, with you against the world, together. Somehow somewhere though, for me, I just found myself falling. Not because I wanted to, but because that was the only way I knew how to self destruct. It was like breaking into a million pieces and no amount of physical pain could top what was breaking on the inside. It messes you up. It causes you to dysfunction. It's like if you had bruises and cuts, you would heal. It would heal. But what can you do on the inside? Cut yourself open and stitch yourself up? What's there to stitch up? You can't find it because it doesn't exist. Because all that pain is somewhere you can't physically reach. It eats you up. Your mind, your feelings, everything. At the age of 16, or 14 when I was, nobody can tell you if you were really in love or you weren't. Because they didn't know how you felt, they didn't know what you went through. So yes, I am proud to say I have been in love. And I am honored to know what it feels like to love someone for who they are and what it feels like to be loved through all my imperfections. To choose to listen than yell, to understand than accuse, to be a leaning tower of strength and to do things not because its an obligation, but because of willingness and because your love for someone is stronger than your selfishness.

3. You'll screw up. You know what else they never tell you? And THAT IT IS OKAY. Yep. That's what they never told you. We will screw up. We're human and I cannot imagine how hard that is to believe. I'm guessing that our perception on failure is that we have to find ways to stop failing, to stop screwing up, to be perfect. But gosh, I have spent more than five miserable years of my life just trying to be "perfect". To be the one who got good grades, who didn't disappoint their parents, who was always perfect, the one who always said everything right, did everything right. Ahh, well, honestly, I think that's one super wrong way to go around things. The whole idea of screwing up is pretty intriguing. Why? Because when you screw up, you learn. Like for example, if you're gonna cook an onion omelette, put in the onions first and make sure they're caramelized before you toss the eggs in or you'll have a really sloppy looking and tasting omelette. Or if you're going to have a long shower, don't block off the drainage and flood the bathroom AND the connecting bedrooms to it and THEN cry your eyes out for wanting to have some fun. OR maybe the fact that you don't pour hot wax down a water pipe, only to find it BLOCKED right after. Or you should always use a chopping board while chopping things up, or you'll end up chopping your fingers off too. And maybe, if you plan on locking your room door, remember your key first. Maybe if you're going to blow out a candle, don't blow too hard or hot wax WILL spill on you and burn you. And the best one, don't try to fly or you'll end up falling off a ceiling, breaking a ladder while at it, leaving a hole in your ceiling and end up with a long lightning looking scar from the middle of your back to the side of it. YUP. Those are a few of the things that I have done and can tell you now to not do. Same goes with everything you screw up with in life. Big or small, you learn. And what parents or people in general these days fail to deliver is that its okay to screw up and it's okay if your kids screw up. A little support wouldn't hurt. A simple, "its okay, now you know.". Or a hug would do, honestly. But no. They will continue to keep tearing you down. And bloody hell, have you ever screwed up so badly, feel like your face has been completely stripped bare only to be ridiculed for what you did, THEN get a lecture for how badly you screwed things up AND feel like a complete failure only to stand up with the perception and mindset of, "I NEED TO BE PERFECT."  That is wrong beyond words, and I cannot imagine how long it took me to tell myself that it didn't matter what everyone else thought of my failure. I'm learning from this, and I shouldn't bother about how they deal with me failing. 

4. You don't live to please. You don't. Yes, you do want to make your parents proud, achieve goals, be this amazing daughter/son/student that EVERYONE is proud of. I have never been much of that person. I haven't been the "great dancer" everyone talks about. I have never been that "excellent pianist" everyone spoke about, or that "perfect, high scoring, straight A student" the teachers talked about, and neither have I been that "great, prim and proper, big goals, perfect daughter". I remember spending 3 years of high school literally torturing myself for every little disappointment and failure I went through. What was my main goal? It was to "Please others and make them super proud of me". At that time, I told myself, if I could make them proud, then maybe I would finally be content with myself. Little did I realize, that was what killed me alongside the fact that I didn't know who I was after losing someone so dear to me. So yeah, I tried so hard to perfect everything. At that time, I was still dancing. And being a dancer, I was a perfectionist. And every little thing. So I could put on a great show, so I could be perfect. Nothing was enough, there was no limits. I would push myself off any cliff if it meant I would be perfect, and they would be proud and I would be amazing and recognized. But honestly, that is so wrong. And sick. Don't get me wrong. It is good to be able to aim high, to want to make people proud, to have big goals, and have a positive mindset. But it's not all that great once you start to lose track of who you are, and when you start doing things for other's and relying on the feedback of others to determine how content you are about yourself. Aim high, dream big and work hard. But before you do that, accept yourself for who you are. All your imperfections and your assets, so nobody can tear you down, and you work your way up from there. 

5. "You learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight."  - Jorges Luis Borges. 

Here's what I wished I told myself 2 years ago. "It's okay if you aren't a dancer or a pianist anymore." Why? When I was younger, like almost a decade ago, all I did was play the piano and dance. And I thought that was what I would be doing my whole life. Because that made me happy. Because I was in love with what I did. So I built my futures around it. That I would do something along the lines of music and dance. My mind was so made up. I was so sure. But around 2 years ago when everything started to fall, this big dream of mine fell too. As I fell into that deep unending chasm of darkness, while I was too busy finding myself, too busy beating myself up for being so screwed up, had no support that told me that it was okay, because everywhere I went, they made me feel like I needed to put on a perfect glass mask and that failure wasn't an option, I lost the passion for dance, music, everything. I lost it. Also, I wasn't the very best at it. I wasn't some child prodigy that was good at something. I wasn't very good at dance, or music. I just floated by. So when I lost everything, I lost myself too. So I did what every other human being like me did. I gave up and I beat myself up for it for years. Though I still don't have any leads as to what I'm going to do in the future, I guess I need to keep a optimistic mind that I'll find something one day. Sooner rather than later. 

6. Goals. Here's one thing the didn't really tell you about goals. The goals that you set for yourself, its okay if you don't reach it. Let me remind you again, you're human. I set a lot of goals for myself. Even the impossible ones. And when I was so convinced I would magically say, score a slam dunk just by jumping, I would reach it. No, it takes practice. And it's okay if you don't reach it. We all fail sometimes, and we don't always reach our goals, just like our New Year Resolutions list. If you're one of those who does do what you say you'd do on your New Years Resolution list, Champagne for you my friend. The point is, don't give up. You're not alone in the "I haven't reached my goals" or the "I have no goals" boat. There are quite a handful of us in there and I'm here to tell you something that they never told you about : Don't give up, don't give in. If you don't quit, you'll win. Don't worry about trying to be optimistic. I struggle with that too, every single day. And that its alright. 

7. Support. Growing up in an Asian family, with a little bit of the Asian mindset, the support that you crave for, the hug, the pat on the back, the "I'm proud of you", the "its okay, try again next time." or even the "I know you did your best." or some sort of encouragement that you need from them that you've never gotten even though you've worked your ass off, doing all you can, knowing that it wasn't the best, but it was enough. Well, I spent every living day, up till now really, feeling very frustrated as to why I can't get the support that I need. But instead, I get torn down, every single time because that the only way they know how to show their love. Because they want their best for you, because they want better for you. Yup, thats hard to believe considering how much they tear you down. I know. I have felt rage and anger and disappointment, and even the fact that I want to scream my lungs out because of how unfair it can be. Here's one thing they'll never tell you. It's not going to happen. Hard to accept, I know. I've been there, I'm here. But yes, its not going to happen. But here's what I know that I have had a lot of trouble admitting it. They love you. They want the best for you. What are unsaid words with venomous actions, right? But I'm serious. They do love you. But the saddest thing is the support that we need isn't always there. This is a hard subject for me. Its one of those things that I can't talk about without shedding a tear because that wound is so fresh and deep because through my entire phase of not being enough, and being torn down so I lost my passion and heart to dance and music, its hard to admit because its sad to say that the words of "encouragement" used to "pull me up" was what brought me down. It was also hard to believe that it was all out of love. And I feel sorry for the kids who do not have that verbal support, because I know what it feels like. You keep waiting one day for that simple, "I know you did your best" or the "I'm proud of you." or that pat on the back, but no matter how hard you've tried, it still doesn't seem like enough. Here's what I'm telling you. You are enough. What you've done is enough. So keep striving for more. Be content with you, stand strong, be firm, chin up and never back down. I've wanted that support for the longest time ever. And It breaks my heart that I'll never have it. But this is what we do. We deal with it. We accept it and we walk on, hoping for that slight smile and that "I'm proud of you.". 

So that's my take on the 7 Things They Never Tell You. I hope you've had a good read. :) 

Zoe

Random Wednesday | Random, Beauty

Hello World! Summer break is ALMOST over. I couldn't be more excited to finally do something again. Because 3 months of inactivity is torturing :( 

I know, bumming isn't the best thing for you. But this has been what I've been up to. Laptop, a mug of Vanilla Tea, my doodle book and me. 

From left, Kate Moss Rimmel London Lipstick in shade 01, Estee Lauder Lipstick in Berry Kiss Shimmer, Kiehl's LIP BALM #1 in Cranberry, Paperblanks (Leonardo's Sketches : Sun & Moonlight) notebook and on top, a simple pearl earring that was a gift.

Been also hugely obsessed with bread sticks, Parmesan flavoured. 

Over night bun curls are also pretty amazing :) 

Zoe

Realizations | Life

Ever had a night where you go to bed and you expect your day to be as boring as ever, the normal routine? Yeah, that was me last night. Until I was proven wrong today. Lets just say I met some people today, and I have a pretty amazing, out of the ordinary day. I did a few things I never thought I was even capable of doing. 

1. Spoken more words to people that I barely knew, than ever. 

2. Put introvert mode on pause. 

3. Today, I was fearless. 

LOL. 

Though, after a while day of putting introvert me on pause, I'm feeling the "I'm-tired-of-talking-to-people-please-I-need-my-time-to-recuperate" thing. Introverts, you get me. 

Happy fearless Sunday 

Zoe

Rain | Thoughts

"The rain is wonderful, because it reminds us that even beautiful things are meant to fall." 

July Favorites? :P | Random

Note : I am trying to act cool XD 

KIDDING 

Everyday Breakfast : Yogurt with berries and granola with a dash of honey

The view I get on my daily runs :)

Black and White pictures! 

This coffee mug :D

Vanilla Chai tea with a hint of spice! MMMMMMM

More Vainy shots. 

This amazing little thing I've wanted for as along as I can remember. 

Glass jars, colored pens and ribbons. :) 

Sleeping in. Thats a July favorite :P 

And that was my July 

Zoe