I'm my biggest enemy.

Yes, it's been awhile. But I guess I had to write this down after having this thought earlier today. This week has been a roller coaster. Of really really good days mixed in with a little bit of bad. Then today, I realized that I'm my biggest enemy. I'm my biggest bully. But I'm also my biggest victim. Has anyone else realized that? 

Here's what I mean by "I'm my biggest bully". I'm the first to discourage myself. I'm the first to convince myself that things are really bad. I'm the first to say "you're ugly" when I check my appearance before leaving the room. I'm the first to say "you can't do it" when I'm facing an obstacle. I'm always the one to convince myself that I have hit rock bottom. I'm the one to tell me that I'm lonely and I'm worthless. I'm the one who says that I'm not qualified and that I'm not good enough. I'm the one that does not allow myself to enjoy the little things in life. I am the one who convinces myself that I do not deserve happiness. I'm the one who's stealing my own happiness. 

To be extremely honest, I should be the one encouraging myself. I should be the first to say that things aren't bad, they are bearable. Because from the outside looking in, someone would say that I can do it. They'll say that I'm beautiful and they'll tell me that I'm strong enough. They'll say that I'm not lonely and that I'm worthy. They'll say that I'm more than good enough and more than qualified. They'll be the one providing the joy in the little things, and they'll also be the ones who contributes to the happiness that I deny myself. 

It's so weird that someone from the outside looking in has a better view of the bigger picture than I do. I wonder why people do this to themselves. I wonder why we're always the first to drag ourselves down and the last to pull ourselves up. I'd say that I've grown a lot emotionally from where I was two years ago in the Pre-USA Zoe era. Pre-USA Zoe would not have realized this. I know how easy it is to stay down. But it's so tiring. It's so tiring to stay down all the time. And it's an uphill battle every single day. 

It's heartbreaking how much I bully myself every single day. But this is not me. The loneliness, the depressed and the pessimistic mindset are things that has stuck to me as I grew up. The sad, heavy hearted, confused, conflicted person is not who I am, it's really just the things/habits that I have accumulated along the way. I feel like I need to start prying them off me. I'm too busy suffocating myself with my thoughts to the point where I can't breathe.

I don't know why people do this to themselves. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's exhausting.