How To : Deal With Difficult People

Disclaimer : I'm not a perfect person, but I try to see things from a different perspective. I don't often take my own advice and I'm not implying them on you, but I think it might be helpful to each of us. 

We often have difficult people in our lives. I, obviously have them too. A week or so ago, my mum was listening to a sermon that went along the lines of "you have difficult people in your lives because God knows you need them more than they need you." In simpler context, it really just means that you need them in your life. Why? Here's my first point.

1.Take Difficult People As They Are. 

Instead of trying your hardest to have them change to your expectations, why don't we change instead? People are the way that they are. We have absolutely no right to insist that they change for the better. People do their own changing at their own time and at their own pace. And even though they spend thy're whole lives being difficult is not any of our responsibilities to make them a better person. BUT, the responsibilities that we have is to make ourselves a better person. Now, I'm not saying I don't get annoyed and get angry, I definitely do. But sometimes, I guess we just got to understand people from their perspective even though their perspective is the most ridiculous thing you've heard throughout your entire life. 

2. Give Them The Respect Even Though You Think They Don't Deserve It.

When we start thinking that we deserve more respect than we deserve sometimes might really mean we think we are superior and above everyone else. I believe we all in some point of our lives feel like we deserve a little bit more respect than we are given. But have we ever thought of giving someone else the respect even though they don't deserve it? I guess in a way, this is one of the "perks" of growing up and trying to see things from a more mature perspective. It's hard, but if you don't do it, who would? 

3. Do All Things With Love. 

I have to admit, all of this is hard. Trying to be the bigger person through it all is a big pain in the bum. But, why do anything at all, if you don't do things with love? Frankly, it all just goes to waste if you don't do all things with love. It wouldn't be genuine, it wouldn't be honest. I know it's super duper hard. Nothing ever comes easy. But if you just try, most of the times you find yourself being a happier person despite how much you loathe that difficult person in your life. There's a certain triumph to the fact that you took the step to be the bigger person. 

4. Pray.

Hohohohoho. We can never do anything alone. This might be the most important and the one that requires most emphasis. Strength doesn't come from us it comes from God. And I'm not the most holy person in the world. But I know how important it is and how it's something that everyone needs. Being nice on the first day is easy. Smiling to your difficult person is easy. But maintaining it and keeping it as genuine as possible is hard. We all need a little prayer in everything we do. And mostly, in terms of having the patience and strength to deal with difficult people the right way deserves a whole lot more prayer. Be humble and admit that most of the times, you can never do anything alone. 

Like I said, I'm not the most perfect person in the world. But I'm trying to be a better one. 

Have a great day ahead!

Zoe

It's A Hard World To Please

Hi guys, girl, ladies, gents, world. 

This is going to be from a girl's point of view, I understand that guys goes through things as well in their own ways, but this is mostly situated to the girls. So as a girl, it's a hard world to please. They want us to be pretty, smart, slim but curvy, outgoing but well mannered, thoughtful and willing to drop everything because we're girls. They expect us to always say yes and nod our heads in agreement. They expect us to be able to make a phenomenal sandwich. But to be honest, there's a lot more pressure put on us than anyone sees. So here's the ones from a girl's point of view. 

They want us to be beautiful. 

They want us to look pretty. They want us to be flawless and have faces like models. It's hard enough accepting ourselves for who we are and there's this extra thing we have to face : pleasing others. They want us to be stunning the moment we get out of bed. Hair perfect, voluminous, bouncy, shiny and sleek. They want our eyebrows to be full, eyelashes long and eye catching. They want our faces to be spotless, acne free, cheekbones to stand out and noses small and cute. Your smiles has to be heavenly, teeth all aligned and white, sparkly.  But when we step up to the game, putting on makeup to cover up the scars and the blemishes and dark circles to be what they want, we're suddenly fake, high maintenance. Just in the blink of an eye, makeup makes you fake, skincare products make you a beauty queen. Trying to be acceptable is fake, it's try hard. But everybody wants us to be pretty and eye catching. What do they want from us, exactly?

They want us to be slim and slender. 

They say, "slim and curvy." That's the ultimate goal. Girls who are slim, slender but has the whole package. If we're slim and stick like, we're suddenly unappealing. If we're curvy or average we're just suddenly fat. What's the logic in this? If we're not good enough and if we're more than enough, what is good enough? They want us to be a size 4 or less with a thigh gap and boobs enough to show a cleavage, bum to be enough to show off in a dress. But once all those things are too much or too little that's it. You're either too fat or too thin to be appealing. 

What matters is the beauty inside. 

While this sounds sweet, how often does one just close they're eyes and likes you for the one you are inside? First impressions count. But sometimes they're taken into account more than it should. They want us to have an outshining personality. So great that how we look or what we wear doesn't matter. But how often is this true? You wouldn't approach someone who dresses up in torn and tattered jeans and a ripped tee with bed hair and a face full of blemishes as opposed to someone who is well dressed. They judge us by our looks way too often. How do you expect young, insecure girls to feel even a shred of love for themselves? 

Being Smart. 

Once your smart, you're attractive. Once you're smarter, you're a nerd. If you like books and like spending time alone, if you work hard and prioritize your studies or your job, you're a nerd, you're a workaholic. You're a weirdo. If you're failing at everything, immediately you're not worth they're time. 

 JUST BE YOURSELF.

 Oh my goodness. This is the best one. It's a joke, really. They want us to be ourselves. They want us to be confident in our own skin, appreciate the weird laugh that we have, the "I love myself and I accept myself for who I am." the "I don't need makeup to feel good" the "I am beautiful" the "I don't need to be someone else for others to like me" the ORIGINALITY. To be honest with you, out of 10 people who tells you to, "be yourself", 9 of them would end up hating the you that you are. Ever been in that situation? You're called fake and they don't like you. You put a little barrier to filter yourself out and they still don't like you. You try to please them, they still don't like you. But when you're you, true colors and all straight all laid out on the table, they STILL don't like you. "She's too straight forward" "she's too obnoxious" "she's too popular" "she's too loud" "she's too fat" "she's too thin." "she's too talented" "she has way too many friends" Well, here's my question : what does one have to do to begin to feel accepted? 

I like a girl that doesn't have drama in her life. 

No girl drama? Okay, we'll be friends with guys. There, problem solved. But no, then there's the whole, "she's such a player." "gosh, she's such an attention seeker" "she hangs out too much with guys" "she's such a show off.". Hmm. Makes me wonder yet again. What do we have to do? 

Stand up for yourself. 

We speak our minds, stand up for ourselves, set things right, take the lead, we're suddenly bitches. When we finally decide that it's the last straw and we have had enough, putting our foot down and saying no suddenly makes us selfish and a bitch. I don't see how that makes sense, but in the mindset of the world, it does. How and why? 

She has to be truthful. 

HAHA. Truthful? If we ever spoke the truth, we'd be criticized as being TOO straightforward, too mean. Or maybe there's the whole, "she's a girl, she doesn't know what she's talking about.". Telling the truth is like taking that step to fall of a cliff. We tell the truth, we're a stuck up, pretentious. But when we aren't truthful, we're liars.  

Be nice. 

They want us to be nice, helpful, willing to be a good friend, generous, smile and always say yes, never lie, obey the rules, be respectful. But when we do so, we're considered, "suspicious." or we have ulterior motives.  Or maybe you'll just get really hurt and betrayed because someone took advantage of you. Happens way too often than none. When you're not nice enough, you're immediately unappealing. You're suddenly in the "ew" list. Makes sense in today's world for some great reason, doesn't it? 

Talkative/Too silent.

People like girls who are quiet. But at the same time, they want us to initiate conversation. But when we want time to ourselves, we're rude for not wanting to converse or we don't appreciate someone's company. Or the fact that when we talk too much we're talkative, too loud which makes us unladylike. 

That's about the most I can think about for now. What about you? What do you think? 

Zoe

A Letter To My Younger Self.

Dear You,

               Here are somethings that someone should have told you when you were 14 or even 15. There's nothing wrong with you. The numbers on the scale, the inches of your waist, the size of your jeans, the width of your thighs. Nothing of it was wrong. You're imperfectly imperfect and life's greatest obstacle isn't the number of friends or likes on Facebook, the amount of notifications you get everyday, the amount of followers on Instagram or even the amount of friends you have in real life. In regards of friends, all you really needed was one. And believe me when I tell you that now you have 3 you can ring up anytime you need and they are there. And yes, you did end up moving to the United States and in a way you did do something related to writing. The one thing that you were so scared of when people encouraged you to take it seriously. Even though this blog isn't something that everyone would read, but this is my version of a vlog channel on YouTube. This is my life I'm documenting in words and pictures - the best way I know how. 

                My dear, it's okay to worry. But don't let it eat you up. Don't let it eat you up like it did. Worry comes with life. But at the same time, worrying sets boundaries and cuts relationships faster than lightning. IT isolates you from others and it pushes people away even if you didn't mean it.  It's okay to question life. It's okay to wonder why wake up in the first place. It's alright to think about where strength comes from, it's okay to feel hurt and be hurt. But don't dwell on it too long. It's okay to stay down. But get up when you're ready. Heck, get up even when you don't feel like doing so. It's okay to feel like you're drifting away from people and the ones closest to you because the thing is, I wish someone had told me this earlier : You have friends for a reason, a season and the selected ones stay forever. Do not worry about your friends and how long they're going to be in your life. Do not think that your efforts were not good enough to keep up a friendship. Because here's the funny thing about friendships, when it matters, your efforts feel effortless and there's no pressure as to if he or she is replying, it doesn't bother you because that friendship is strong. Long distance friendship isn't easy. But with the right people it is. If you read this when you were 14, would you believe me if I told you that you're in the United States, Audrey is now in Australia, Brenda went to Italy and came back, Lin is actually your best friend now, as opposed to how much she hated you before, you're strong and you've finally understood the differences between lonely and alone? You wouldn't right? 

              The thing is, you are enough. You are more than enough. No you did not start driving at 17, you still have no idea where to go with life, you're still clueless and a little bit scared of the future. You aren't depressed anymore, you just feel a lot. Things still effect you, but you're handling it better now. Things do get better in time. Don't waste time on the friends who care about themselves or the ones who questions your existence. Don't waste time on the girl who made you feel like complete crap and don't feel guilty for walking out of that friendship. Don't be afraid to end a relationship that was hurting both you and him even if you still loved him then and there, despite the fact that people break up when they aren't in love and not the opposite. Don't hate family reunions back at Alor Star, don't hate having to go there every weekend of your life and not having a life of your own like your brothers did. Because when you're far away from home, you'd give anything for another weekend like that. Do not be afraid to feel the need to reflect and have alone time, because if the people that were in your life was placed there for a reason, they'd respect the space you need. Do try out YouTube, but trust me when I tell you that you express things in words and pictures rather than videos and talking to a camera. 

                 Now, despite the stupid amounts of blogs that you have deleted and created, don't let it stop you from trying again because this blog is going to save your life when you're 17. Writing has saved your life in many many ways. It has kept you sane, even if nobody reads it. Even if posting rants and sad, emo posts hasn't been the most flattering, it's a reminder that we're all human. And there's an ugly side to it. But always remember that behind the ugliness is beauty. Beauty that cannot amount to the amount of sunsets you've watched, or shooting starts you've stayed up to see, weddings you've been to or even that girl staring back into the mirror. It's more than that. It's okay to be sad, but don't accept sadness as a part of yourself. Don't accept depression as who you are. Just don't. Your name means life. Zoe means life and you have brought life into different things in different ways. Being life doesn't mean making people cheery or being the lift of the party. Life can also mean opening up people's eyes to different perspectives, showing people a different angle of things through your photos, your writings, your actions and your words. Strive to be a better person each day. You have it in you. 

                 Give a crap about your grades. Don't let a breakup or the fact that you have given up dancing and playing the piano ruin you. Yes, you end up omitting the things in your life that you deemed your "core" because that was what defined you. After a decade of dancing and playing the piano, you're going to let it go. And it's going to hurt, it's going to hurt you bad. But the thing is, you're going to get over it and you're going to understand that not everything lasts forever and that it's more than okay to mourn, more than okay to get a little lost more than okay to hurt. Not a lot of people are going to understand you, you're going to meet a lot of people who deem you as sad and emo, you're going to meet people you can't stand and people you'd stay away from. You're going to be a leader in the little things. I know how you always try to tame the leadership flame in you. Why do that when leadership skills isn't for everyone? Learn to embrace yourself, learn to embrace you qualities, your beauty but also learn to embrace your faults. Not in a way where you turn down everyone's opinions and be mister right, but embrace it in a way where you're humble and are prepared for change and critiques. 

                 But most of all, do not be afraid. Do not be afraid to step out of your bubble sometimes. Do not be afraid to say yes on that Sunday you were asked to hang out with people you met less than an hour ago. Do not be afraid to be an extrovert once in a while. Do not be ashamed of your introverted qualities. How you don't like crowds and how you don't like interacting with people. Do not be afraid to be alone, but most of all, do not feel alone. Do not sham yourself and do not look down on yourself. Because the only opinion about yourself that matters is yours. How are others supposed to look up to you if you don't look up to yourself? Adding on to that, learn to love yourself. Love yourself and all your imperfections for you're the only Zoe Loh to ever exist. Isn't that amazing? You're the only one. Appreciate that and make it count.

                   Listen to your heart. Don't let the opinions of others effect you. Wear that red lipstick out on a Sunny day if you want, don't wear foundation, it's all up to you. But most importantly, understand that standing up for yourself is not being mean to others. It's protecting yourself. Do not let people push you around, do not make excuses for their mistakes. If he's not putting an effort into the friendship and you're the only one sending strings of "hi's" and you're getting no replies, stop trying even if he was a good friend. If she's making you want to rake her face off, stop being friends. If he's making you feel uncomfortable, please, walk away. If she thinks calling you hairy, asking you to shave off all the hair on your arms and legs because it freaks her out and its not something that she's used to seeing, thinking that it's okay, stop being friends. Close the door, walk out. Because better doors are going to open. You're never stuck. Life isn't a movie. Don't expect everything to be magical, but at the same time, don't stop dreaming. It's okay to love. But know that you'll get hurt from it. Give, but don't give it all. Letting go isn't easy, but it's possible with time. 

Sincerely, 

Zoe // 2015 

That was all I could think of at this moment. I know it isn't a cheery post for the New Year's, but this blog is an extension of my feelings, a document of my life. So yes, if it's okay with you, I'd like to do that and have maybe my 21 year old self read this over and see how much this has changed. Just like I said above, I'm not sad. I just feel a lot. 

What would you tell your younger self, if you had the chance?  

Love

Love is a funny thing. Love eats you, love questions you. It makes you stronger, it drives you nuts. I don't know, really. Love can be split up into so many different things. Love for an object, love for a person, love for your friends, love for a family member, love for your best friend, love for a pet. I found myself in all positions. Love is, I wouldn't say voluntarily. But it isn't something you can help. Like loving a family member or falling in love or breathing. even. It just happens. You can't choose who you love as much as you get to choose which family you were born into. If you'll be a Lee or a Tan, or an Andrews or a Rodneys or Millers, Andersons, a Loh, Low, Leow or an Ooi. You don't get to choose. 

Yesterday was one of the days that hit me hard. I didn't know if I wanted to write about it. But I figured that this is me, journaling my thoughts for hopefully the future me to come back to and realize how stupid her past younger self was. Yesterday was hard. It was one of those days where I was disappointed, I started crying in a public place and I didn't stop even until I got home. I'm one of those people who since the day she was born has hoped for a more loving family than I'm in. Which may sound ungrateful, but let me put this into your heads. Have you ever seen your friend's families and they actually put an effort into spending family time together, they're parents are supportive and doesn't tear you down all the time, Somehow somewhere in your life, you have been disappointed in family. Disappointed in the support you didn't get, the disappointment that makes you question, "why do I love the people who deserves it the least?" Thing is, don't try to kid yourself that you've never been upset with family and make me look like an ungrateful child. Things like this just happens. And thats okay. 

Thing is, yesterday was rough. And I keep reminding myself that we don't love because it's a choice. We just do. And the fact that He first loved us before we loved others. He died for our sins, He forgave us and He loved us regardless. It's hard for us to reflect that onto others, as we are only human. And being human, I hate it. I hate having to love and hurt again. I hate just pouring out love only to be backfired with disappointment and all these hurtful words and support I never got.

I grew up in a family that doesn't have a lot of words for each other. There's a lot of aimless blabbering of words meant to tear you down, instead of those who would build you up when you're in need of support. It's those that consists of one sided conversations than an actual discussion. It's one where that one person is always right. Always. And never admits they're wrong. No apology because everyone is wrong. The one that shoots bullets instead of keeping things short and sweet. One who speaks a thousand words instead of takes a picture. It's one that makes me one to leave, but I know I love them too much to go.   

It's the same with falling in love. It's hard work, it's a pain and it's worth it. After all, family is love. It's what it's all about. It drives me mad, it hurts but it's worth it. Just like how it isn't a choice, how it's just the way it bloody is.  For those of you who has fallen in love, you would know it takes hard work. I don't know if in the end if it was worth it for you but I hope it was because that's when you know its real. I'm no genius. Look how things turned out. But that's not the point. I believe that all of these comes in phases. Some people find the love of their lives early, some finds it much later in life. And yes, I would presume that you yearn for company in the midst of your single life. 

It's been hard, I admit. Having to move to a new place. not having the one as a backbone, or just having that someone to lay all this baggages down and just breathe for a while. Honestly I don't even know how I do it sometimes. People who know me would know that I push people away very often. I guess it's just a reflex of just not wanted to get hurt again. After one real experience and it was hard to open up again. There has been endless amount of sleepless nights and tears and just pure isolation and loneliness on this new adventure in the past almost 7 months. I admit I don't try much either. I'm that one girl who knows that if I was meant to have a friend, that person would just come along. I don't know what your view on this is, but I see it as if it was meant to be, it'll come along.

I've said this so many times that I'm okay with solitary. But I'm just not and I'm tired. Life is tiring. Loving is tiring. Holding everything together is tiring. It's all so bloody hard. And I guess in someways this is my own way of laying down my baggage for a bit. Because timezone is crap, sleepless nights are ass and you can't hold people back from moving on with their lives. Nobody is going to put their things on pause and sit here to mope. Everybody is taking a step towards their future, moving on and getting on with life. It really is up to you how you want to do it. I'm moving on with life. Just some nights I really like just putting down my weights and just sit here. Everyone has their own ways with dealing with their troubles. And this is mine, so if you have a problem with that, that's okay. Don't let me hold you back.


Sorry for such a crap post again, you guys. I just needed a way to let things go and breathe a little bit. If you're still reading and has read through all my crap since June, thank you, I sayang yous.

Bye.

Breaks

Hi world!

So about two days ago, I decided to take a break from all my social media. Because I felt like as a person, I've been spreading more negativity than positivism. While I know some people would argue that it's just a way for people to express themselves, sometimes what we are posting might be very influential on others as well. Good or bad. And lately I realize I've been the one who seems to be expressing the worst of myself to the world. Social media for me, Facebook especially has been one place I spread way too much negativism. While I do write elaborate sad depressing blog posts that aren't very pleasing to the eyes as well, that's why you see the lack of posts lately. I'm stuck between accepting that sometimes I really need to rant, but not everybody needs or want to read about it either. But at the same time, it's a blog and it's about sharing.

While I cannot promise constant optimism and bubbly, counting my blessings Zoe as it hasn't been a very great past few months, I do really want to do good and try to spread as much love, joy and gratefulness around as I can. Because having being in my situation countless times, I admire people who are bubbly and just thankful for everything by nature. Those who pick themselves up in a blink of an eye. I understand that I'm not one of those people. But I also know that there are people like me out there. And I just want to be this constant reminder that we are all human. And as you can see, I have my bad days too. But at the same time, I don't want to be the one who spreads negativity. I've been trying to stay away from posting negativity. I stopped writing in my journal because all I do is feel bad for every bad thing that goes wrong. Because really, how much more sadness does the world need? Adding more negativity to the world is uncalled for.

I'm really just a sad person by nature. Or rather I just enjoy being lonely and quiet. Thus, making a façade of sadness. The first thing that comes to my mind when I need to express myself in any way right now is always blogging. I find myself logging into blogger and next thing I know I have written at least 4 paragraphs full. And it's great that I've found a place to express myself when I need it. But not everyone needs to be reminded that bad things happen to us and that it's okay to stay down. Which is what I feel is what the impression I'm giving out to others.

I'm not going to completely change myself for I know that this trait of me, being quiet and isolated is just me being Zoe and I enjoy that side of me, I still want to genuinely be thankful always and see life from a different point of view. So I do apologize for the amount of sadness and negativity that has been posted on my social media and even this blog. But I'm not going to take them down. It's there as a reminder that we get bad days. And most of us can relate to that. But as I said before, I've seen too much sadness, I've seen others go through so much. And while nobody can completely make everything okay in a heartbeat, I just want to be the person who makes a difference and help the world even by a little bit. What better way than to start with something small and significant, like my actions and mindset that I have for the ones around me to see.

Change comes gradually. Change also starts with small tiny steps. As they say, Rome was not built in a day.

Oh look, that's 4 paragraphs already. If there's a job that requires someone to crap a bunch of pointless paragraphs, sign me up. It's like being a chatterbox but not speaking. Lol.

Have a great week ahead you guys! The week before finals and finals week are really a whirlwind for me. Drowning in assignments and studying for the final. Guess it is a good thing I tuned out from social media! :D

Do your best in everything you do. Stay strong and keep on going.

Much love,

Zoe.

I don't even know who in the world would read all this. Maybe it's been a dead blog ever since the beginning!

I know.

I know that it is wrong to feel out of place. I know that it isn't right to be feeling like total crap when I've been given the opportunity to fly across the world to start over. I know that it is really really wrong to feel like I want comfort than to stick it up and just be thankful. I am thankful for this. But then it makes me question if I was really thankful for it then should I be really happy? To be honest, being thankful isn't being happy. It's not the same thing. I'm not being ungrateful for the amount opportunities that God has given me and for my parents too, really for being so brave and putting our needs first. But I am upset. I am upset that I had to leave, I'm upset that I'm yanked out of my comfort zone. I'm gutted that friendships aren't the same as before. I'm annoyed that while everyone has graduated, here I am striving for the last two and a half weeks of the semester before I have to START ALL OVER AGAIN FOR 5 MONTHS. So yes, it is hard.

While everyone sees the pictures of my little adventures and fallen leaves. me bundled up in jackets and being in a climate that allows me to wear boots, pictures of cities and other people and more places and what not. They don't understand how hard it has been to be here. While I tell people that my lack of social life has been beneficial to me and I'm okay with it because I'm an introvert, I still need people. And that is very hard for me to admit. So yes, this amazing opportunity is a double edged sword. It hasn't been easy. It has been more of a sweeping the troubles under the carpet and pretend it's not there. I know I shouldn't allow myself to complain and be so sad and upset because I should consider myself extremely blessed. Well yes, I do admit I'm blessed.

But still. I'm only human. And humans feel. They feel lonely, they feel disappointment, they worry, they have bad days, They have days where they just sit and breakdown and wonder where the hell are they going to go from here and what are they supposed to do now. And all of that is me. What's me is also the fact that I have learned to see the good in things. I've been a more positive person, I've been stronger, more independent. Perhaps even more isolated. But yes, I am all those things.

It gets really hard sometimes. Well, most of the time. Dealing with a different kind of loneliness that I'm used to is really something. The loneliness that I am used to is the one where you feel that you're not good enough for everyone and they're just driven away by my depression. It's something that my mind makes me think. But in actual fact I have a heck load of people there for me. This kind of loneliness is having no one. It's being in different time zones, it's not having close friends, it's being a stranger. It's being the Asian girl, it's being that girl from God knows where. It's the kind that makes you feel like everybody's boat has sailed but leaving you at the docks. Because you're the one who decided to stay while everyone is moving on. While I know I'm not going to hold anyone down and people are going to move on with their life, being in a new place with people you do not know is really a battle.

While I long to belong and long to be comfortable, I stopped allowing myself the pleasure of doing so because leaving hurts. Being left behind hurts. Being the one leaving hurts. There will be more friendships whose doors will close more than they'll stay open. And somehow I need to find a way to suck it up and deal with it. As much as I've tried, to say hi and to make excuses for the absence of replies, I've simply given up. I know friendship takes work. But you can't really fix something when it's already not meant to be fixed. Just like one of my best friends told me, "lets not try too hard to make out friendship work, okay?" she told me not to get offended. But I understood her right on. Friendships just work out. With effort, yes. But those efforts feels so effortless, it doesn't look like there's any effort put in at all. I told myself not to put myself in situations where I'm uncomfortable or in situations where I feel like stabbing myself in. And I've just decided that I'm not going to be the one hanging around hoping for friendships to work. I'm one of those who does and want something when every single ounce of effort is put into it. Nothing is worth it if you don't put your best foot forward.

Sorry for the super long mood killer. I don't even know if anybody reads all this crap. Just needed a space to rant. So there you go guys. Thanks for reading, even if you scrolled through.

I'm pretty sure a few months down the road, future Zoe would be re reading all of these and I'll be like, "you stupid girl. Ranted for nothing."


Byes.

Feeling Emotional

Hi world, another one of those nights. I'm not sad. I just miss a lot of things. And there's the whole issue of why do we even try. No, actually the right question is "why bother trying?" Its not like I didn't try. I did. Several times. And then as humans, or just as nice people or maybe sympathetic or sensitive maybe we just decide that no, it's all our fault. That because we are friends with a person, or we treasure that person, they are perfect. And it's always your fault that things don't turn out right. Maybe its also my fault for expecting so much of them. Ever had those friends you ALWAYS make excuses for? You'd know what I'm talking about. If you don't, its either everyone around you is making excuses for you, or you're just really good at turning off your emotions. Because really, I'm so tired of hoping and having that thought in me or even that little shred of compassion for those around me who doesn't understand how important that is. And the best part is sometimes those who doesn't appreciate it are the ones who complains about how they are always mistreated. Kinda shows how you reap what you sow. The thing is though, I'll continue to make excuses for those around me. Like the reason why my friends are not being friends, oh because I'm the one who left. Maybe the reason why people grow distant, oh no worries, it's been distant from the start and it's my fault for being such an introvert.

The people we make excuses for are the ones who deserves it the least. Like during a conversation, someone says something offensive, I keep quiet. I make excuses for them. Like oh, maybe they didn't mean it. But then a few days down the road, a few thousand other conversations, they continue to offend me and I continue to make excuses for them. Why? Is it just my way of showing that I care? Because if it is, it is a very crappy way to show it. I make excuses for everyone. The reason why they're not there, the reason why things are distant, the reason why they offended me, the reason why their priorities changed, this and that, I make excuses for their wrong doings because I care. And I guess the hardest part is doing it unconsciously only to feel completely hurt. But the harder part of it is them never knowing what you've been doing for them. But that's love, right? That's caring, that's friendship, right? But then again its probably my fault for being a chicken and saying nothing in the first place.

Caring is hard. Being a friend is hard. But what's even harder is being so weak that you actually need people. I don't like running to people for help. Because the feeling of needing people are one of the most painful feelings I've ever encountered. It's like stabbing yourself continually for being so weak that you need to ask someone for help. Or even just the fact that you need someone to listen. It isn't because they aren't good enough to run to for help. They are more than good enough. People ask me why I don't open up. The fact is though, opening up makes me vulnerable. Needing help and support makes me vulnerable. I'm not trying to be isolated. But letting people in has caused more pain than trying to hold the fort down myself. The worst part of needing someone is making others feel helpless. Why trouble someone with your baggage when you can't even handle yourself? And why trouble others when they can't help you?

I'm done rambling. Sorry for such negativity tonight. I just needed to rant after a whole month of compressed feelings. I promise you an amazing Thanksgiving weekend update soon! :) Be prepared!!!

Happy Thanksgiving! Happy Turkey Day!!!

I'll be back with a more uplifting post super duper soon. Hold on tight you guys!

Much love,

Zoe

Free Period Writings

Hi world, it has been a while since I've last posted. Aside from the previous post. I wouldn't really consider that a post. Anyways, I guess I would say things has been getting better lately. It's not exactly perfect, but it is good. I love the weather lately. It is just nice for my liking. Not forgetting how it seems to be raining a lot lately! I will include my pictures of the week when I get home. But words are all I can do for now when I'm in the school's library typing out a blog post. 

It's the day before everyone goes on break for Thanksgiving and when we come back from break there's probably only going to be about 2-3 weeks left until the end of the semester. This is so exciting but everything seems to be moving really really fast. It only felt like a week ago where I started school and I was a complete loner and a newbie at everything there is to know about schooling in the US. 

I won't say that I know everything already, but I went from a failing student to one who is getting all A's, I'm not really a loner anymore. I learned a heck load of life lessons and I finally know what it means to have self-confidence. I've also met countless amount of dulan people and kiam pak people, I've made a few good friends, a few good hi and bye people and I really like my teachers. 

This whole week has been great. The sun is setting earlier, the sky is getting gloomier (exactly my kind of weather! :D ) and keeping up with studies has been easy because of my lack of social life. Which to be honest is pretty relieving. But lately I also have felt the feeling of withdrawal from my friends back home. I guess it is normal when you are seriously halfway across the world and the only way to communicate with the ones back home is with a mere small 4.5 inch touch screen. Which I would say I am lucky to have.

But you cannot deny that sense of emptiness when they really aren't physically there. Or I should say that when I'm not there because I was the one who left in the first place? I guess I have this habit of withdrawing from others very easily. And that is a extremely bad habit of mine, just to switch everything of and go into isolation. It's bad you guys. But sometimes to me, loneliness is my comfort. I don't know about you guys. But things like walking home and to school is therapeutic and doing a lot of things by myself seems to be a very nice stress reliever for me. 

Maybe I put myself into the whole lonely state. I wouldn't know. But I guess it could be true. And it isn't like I don't communicate. I just have my introvert moments where I need to unwind and literally do nothing. I guess really there's also the whole issue of my personality where I would never give you anything if you don't deserve it, even if you begged. I guess I really am that sort of person. This whole week has made me realize that. 

This whole week has been a good week to self-reflect. And I'm really really grateful that things has been getting better lately and I've been having more better weeks than horrifying one. 

:)

Here's my recap of the week!

Just me expressing my love for ombre braids

IT RAINED :) 

Then things got really really foggy

This is my showing off the Autumn leaves when my friend in Michigan is covered in snow (you'll see in a minute!)

SUPER EXCITED when my Typo planner arrived in the mail! I simply adore this one. If you're interested, head on over to their website here > Typo
I am a huge planner freak. I've had 2 from starbucks in 2011, 2012 and 2013. I got the Typo one in 2014 and now in 2015 :) journaling saves me from not going super crazy hahah.

Have I mentioned how much I adore night drives? There's nothing amazing about night drives more than endless vague lights you see every once in a while. It's extremely therapeutic. To me, anyway.

Journaling would be an every Saturday morning thing for me. Mmmm.

LOOK YOU GUYS! More LEAVES! I adore fall colors :)

This was on Wednesday. 

More leaves in California.

WHILE IT'S BUSY SNOWING IN MICHIGAN! Hahaha both these pictures' credits goes to my friend. It looks really pretty. So good job :D

This was yesterday when it rained, yet again. I really love rainy days AND walking home from school in the rain. <3

This was today because the weather isn't very cold today, I decided to whip out my LBD (little black dress) and pair it with boots and a cardigan :)

AND Thanksgiving break starts today WOOOOHOOOOO

Things do get better you guys. 

Have a great weekend ahead!

Zoe

Asian Parents.

So first of all, I'm not being an ungrateful child and this is by no means meant to hurt anyone's feelings. So if this isn't your kind of post, you can hit the ctrl W or the X on your top right corner. And if mom and dad you're reading this, you brought me to a country with the freedom of speech. So, here's me firing away. Don't get me wrong. I love my parents. But sometimes even you feel very "UGGHHHH" went it comes to people you love. If you've never had that feeling, then GOOD FOR YOU. 

So as most of you guys would know, I'm not the brightest student back in Malaysia. I was never a straight A's student. And it was just the way it is. And I guess I got the sense that my parent's were definitely not proud of it. Heck, even I wasn't proud of it. So anyways, to cut the story short, here I am now, doing fairly well. Leaps and bounds more better than before ( Thank you, Big Man up there <3 ). And I guess it might be because of my lack of social life, I honestly don't know and I honestly don't care. 

So about two days ago, I was freaking out beyond words of an Algebra test I had to take on Wednesday because I was clearly not prepared for it and I didn't know what I was doing. First time ever since I got here that Algebra made me cry. Anyways, I didn't even have the time to go for free period to seek the advice of my teacher before lunch break to confirm if what I did was right, because the questions on the review sheet she gave us had some funky equations. So obviously I wasn't even near prepared. So either ways, to cut the story even shorter, I sat for the test like some idiot, really. I was thinking to myself if I get a B I would be happy. And I just want my score up to a 90 something. 

So either ways, we got our scores back today and guess what? I scored a 100%.. Which to me, I've never gotten. Especially on a ridiculously challenging paper. And I'm currently at the top of my Algebra class. Which I was never ever close to ever. Milestone, I guess you can say. So obviously, I screenshot the results online and sent it to my family group chat. And previously I dropped a class and it's in the electronic grade book thing, so it's still there. And obviously since I'm not taking that class anymore the record just shows I failed it because of on going missing assignments to a class I clearly do not take anymore. 

So the first reply was, "Oh why is ELD English an F?" 

I kind of wonder of words like "good job!" "Congratulations" or even "keep it up" Exists in any Asian parents' mindset.

I know my previous F's were nothing to be proud of. But come on, a 100% on a test and a 98/100 for the whole grade is still not good enough? If that's not enough, then what is? I know I have like what 2 marks more to a perfect grade and I know regardless of the 98 I still have a lot to learn and improve on, but seriously though, I couldn't even be more discouraged. 

If this is not enough then I don't even know what is.

Get my frustration now? 

Bet you don't. 

All I have are rounds of applause for the amazing discouragement. I'm not expecting a party, or royalty treatment. But a simple acknowledgment would do.

OH BUT WAIT, IT DOESN'T EXIST!

Ha ha. 

Anyways, here's a contrast of frustration and then positivity. There was a great view this morning. And I shall share them with you 

Didn't mean to rant, but I had to. 

Have a great weekend!

Zoe

Uncomfortable situations.

Here's my say on uncomfortable situations. If you feel uncomfortable, get the heck out of there. If it's not something you're comfortable with doing, seeing, saying, then don't do it. Walk away, really. Just pick up your things and walk away. That's my views on it. I do not see any reason as to why anyone should have to sit through uncomfortable situations in which you have a say in on whether or not you get to walk away. If you have a choice, use it. Get out of there. Draw the line, respect yourself enough to walk away from the things that makes you feel like crap. Because nobody has the say over who or what you should do. Sure to others it may look like you're running away. But seriously though, who's running away from who? Nobody's running away from anything. It's just decided to put themselves out of the misery or being uncomfortable in a crappy situation. Its that simple. So the next time you feel guilty for walking away and deciding to not put yourself in a horrible situation, don't feel bad. Be proud that you decided to feel comfortable rather than put yourself out there in uncomfortable situations that do not benefit you.

Respect yourself to walk away, guys. It's not wrong. :)

Zoe

Socializing.

I don't know if you guys have paid attention but the amount of posts that I'm generating lately has plummeted to at least 4 a week. This might be a result of my lack of social life. But putting thoughts into words has been my escape lately. I didn't have a bad day today, neither did I have a bad day yesterday or the day before. Except for the fact that it's getting colder. Might I add, I do not appreciate waking up to 7 degree Celsius and having to get out of bed. drag my butt to the bathroom and then drag my butt out of the door. 

I like my warmth. Like most Asians. I do love my warmth. But not the humidity. Anyways, putting that aside, I just really enjoy walking to school. It's a combination of three of my favorite things. 

1. Sunrises.

2. Morning Walks. 

3. Alone Time. 

I'm happy I get to have that every morning before I start the whole process of school. 

Anyways. my lack of social life and the lack of physical best friends has been excruciating. I survive. But it'd be nice for people to exist in the same timezone as be okay. But nevertheless things are great. 

Have a great day, guys!

Zoe

Hello!

Just let this sink in okay, we take a lot of people for granted in our life. Now I want you to take just a little while to think about just one person you know you have taken greatly for granted in you lifetime. Have you got that person in your thoughts? Yes? Good. 

Taking people for granted definitely goes in a circle. I take somebody for granted, that person takes another person for granted and the cycle goes on. I'm not saying it's a good thing. It isn't very nice to be taken for granted. And it certainly isn't a very good thing to take others for granted. Sure, there will be those people that you know you just won't click with, those who wants you more than you'll need them. It's a mean thing to say, but that is yet another cycle. But my point is, people are like puzzle pieces. Not every corner fits with one another. And that's okay. That's life. But taking people for granted is a different story. Rather, it's choosing to not make corners fit. Here are someways I think you can help yourself to not take others for granted. 

1. Stop, pause. 

Did you just act like that person didn't exist before your eyes? Why did you just do that? Did you just walk that person by, knowing of their existence? Come on, we all know what it feels like to feel invisible to the people we wish knew of our existence. If you don't know how that feels like, maybe you're lucky. But it doesn't give you the green card to take people for granted. Anyways, just stop. Just pause. I know sometimes life gets the worst of us. And we lash out, we don't say thank you, we're just brats sometimes. And we're human so that's okay. But just stop and pause. Just go up to that person, say hi. Be a good friend. 

2. Often say, "thank you."

Ever experienced what the simplest thank you can do to you? Yup, just like the impact on others to you, you can impact others too. Even for the simplest things really, show others that you acknowledge them. Being thankful for their existence, being grateful that they're in your life. Appreciate them for being who they are. One of my teacher's wrote me a note today and one of the lines said, "thank you for being you!" Just like every other person on Earth, we're all special. And don't you think it's so much better to just be appreciative of a person's existence, of their personality, that they're original? Rejoice in the fact that there's only one of them in the world. One and only. Just like you. 

3. Go out of the way for someone. 

I'm not saying to drop everything for someone all the time. I'm saying take a few minutes out of your day to just say hi to someone, or compliment them, or just catch up, or boost someone's day. Even a little gesture that takes less than a minute can make someone's day. And just like how you would smile and be delighted at a person's simple text, how do you think other's would react to yours? The little things are the big things, guys. Remember that. 

4. Smile. 

I know I don't do very well that this often. But I'm working on this. Smiling at others is one of the simplest ways you can make someone feel appreciated. Smiles are great bursts of positivity. It's technically all full of optimism and good vibes, guys. Spread the smiles, spread the optimism. 

5. Trust. 

This is crucial. This is the root of all things that relates to taking people for granted. When people trust you, it's important. It's just like people say, priceless. You can't put a price tag on trust, or love, or kindness. If you ever misplace that, you're never getting it back. Treat everyone with care. Treat everyone like they're important because they are. Treat them like you want to be treated. :) 

That's just a few of it guys. Nobody likes to be taken for granted. Make everyone you meet feel like they're worth it because they are worth it. 

Zoe

Fear

You know that sense of fear you get when you're afraid of losing something that you love doing because it has became something that you really just hate? That fear of it being completely intimidating to you, the fear of which it ends up tearing you down rather than build you up. Now I'm one of those who has had two of the things I really love to do taken away from me. I guess I don't have anyone else to blame for it but me, but this post isn't about pointing fingers. It's about the whole idea of having something you love to do, something you can lose yourself in, your personal escape.

So in the beginning of everything it used to be dance, and obviously that turned into a disaster. I miss it, but it's not meant to be anymore. Call me a pessimist, but there are times you need to draw the line between dreams and achievable goals. Or in this case, a line between what would make sense and what will not. Then there was music. That didn't turn out very well either. I remember the last day I really played the keys. It was the day I left home. I remember playing it for the last time, just a few minutes before we loaded our bags into the trunk of the car before we drove to the airport. I played my heart out. I cried while playing and that was the last time ever I expressed myself through music. 

So are you one of those people who has a passion for something but you don't know how to get started, or if you're trying to protect yourself from being intimidated by it, or having to risk another goodbye to something you love to do? Yes, welcome to the Zoe club. I like this whole writing thing. The blogging, the taking pictures, the writing, all complied into one. I do like it. Now actually being good at it isn't certain. But I like it. And for leisure wise, it doesn't matter if everyone else reads, or nobody reads at all. It doesn't matter if I suck at it, if nobody likes it, it doesn't matter. Because I like it and it's meant for leisure. For an escape. To build you up, make you fell better, not tear you down. 

For the longest time, I've been trying to blog. Ever since I was around 8 or 9, I started a blog. I remember my first blog. It was called "Flower Princess." Haha, what a name, right? It was one of the piano pieces I was learning at the time and it was the only thing I could come up with at the top of my mind. I am bad a giving names. Thus, Flower Princess. That blog was up for quite a while until I decided that my content was ridiculous, I was embarrassed at my 8 year old self. I had that on for years. I got my classmates which we were friends since pre-school to read them and we'd have a tiny chatbox beside my posts and we'll just leave a message every time they visited. Well, if you guys are reading this, thank you for being my first readers even when we were kids. 

Also for my first blog, my dad helped a lot in my blogging. Shocker huh? He didn't type it out for me, but he did help me get my blog set up, he did give me a lil bit of content, he basically guided me through it. Sometimes he was the one that kept it alive. Haha. I remember I had a post about a pot of purple violet flowers hoping to keep them alive and my dad helped me blog about them. In the end, the flowers died and so did the blog. 

Then came a few other failed blogs, there was a Tumblr blog that failed, two Wordpress ones that I ended up saying, "I'm so done with this.". Then I had another one called "Words to begin with" that one was another fail. It probably doesn't exist now. Then there's a recent one before this one. I was smarter, in a way. I wrote under a different name. I felt more free with that one. I wrote whatever regardless of who would read it, in this case, nobody would've. It was basically the most depressing posts anyone could think of. It was legit just pessimism everywhere on every post. I had that going for quite a while. I didn't delete it though, I'm pretty sure it's still up. But definitely for me to know but for you to find out. Haha 

Then when I landed in the United States, I decided that this wold be my summer project. But as you can see, I've been trying to take care of this blog with a lot of TLC (Tender Loving Care). I hope it's going well, and I hope that you guys like it. Anyways, continuing to my point. So a few of you guys have been encouraging me since a few years ago to venture in the writing area. One of my teachers supported me to send in an application for a newspaper's teen section thing. And I did, I got accepted, but I read the email far too late past the deadline to go any further. Haha. One of my friends too. He was very supportive of my writings. He always suggested I venture into it. 

But being the chicken that I am, because at that time I've just lost two of the things that I've enjoyed doing and I was so busy dwelling in my depression, I really did not believe in myself. Sincere apologies if you were the ones who encouraged me and believed in me but I turned you down. I just didn't believe in myself and had the mentality that I wasn't enough for anything. But anyways, writing comes to me easily. And there's this whole blogging thing that I seriously enjoy. But to be honest, I don't know if I should keep writing as a leisurely activity or actually make it something real. I write when I'm in all types of moods. It helps me sort out my thoughts. But the fear of making it something that you are obligated to do and not something you do for fun is scary don't you think?

There's this whole deal with college and deciding my major which I have to figure out in a month or so to set my mind on it. I want to be certain. I can't work without a plan. 

But anyways guys, this is me asking for feedback about the blog. Do you like it? Do you not? What's the turn off about it? What would you like to read about? Anything about it really. Good or bad, just shoot them because I want to know :) 

Have a great weekend!

Zoe

Top 9 Things Any Malaysian Would Understand When They Leave The Country.

This is to personal preference, good for you if you agree!

1. The Food.

This is regardless to what kind. It varies literally from Char Koay Teow to Mamak and bawah pokok Mee Goreng or Tom Yum mee or Popiah with Laksa or even the simplest thing as the Teh Tarik and the road side Roti Canai. Wherever you are outside of Malaysia, there will never ever be Malaysian food that tastes as close to the ones we have back home. Seriously.

2. Being able to unleash our full Malaysian. Lah, mah, meh, kans and all.

You know how we love our slangs, kan? Seriously kan, nobody else would understand. So the other day I was in Algebra and we had a group discussion and we had to solve a math equation. I was almost there and my tablemate asked me if I got it yet. Guess what I replied? "Wait ah. Wait ah. Sekejap". I did get my stares and fair share of explaining what it is. Hahaha. But putting that aside, nobody will understand your lah, ma, kah, meh, kua, aiyooooooo, wei, dei, mempersiasuikan anywhere else in the world.

3. You can speak English?????

Yeah, well, people have a very extremely hard time believing that one from a country like Malaysia can speak English. Well, sucks to be you if you were under the stupid impression that we Malaysians can't speak English. We sometimes know more than the ang mor kias!! Kidding. But it's getting really annoying when people speak to you with the impression like you speak no English. Heck, I speak English, Manglish, Rojak, Malay, a little bit of Chinese and definitely pretty good Hokkien.

4. Explaining why you don't speak Chinese.

I don't know about you, but I miss being in the country where people understand what it means to be a "banana". It's not that I don't speak Chinese, its just that I don't read or write the language. And just because you look Asian, people automatically think you're from China. Like pssshhhttt there shouldn't be anywhere else where Chinese exists expect for China, right? Then comes the Why do you not speak Chinese? How did you survive?" Err, well, where I'm from, you don't have to be able to speak Chinese to survive.

5. Explaining Malaysia.

This is hard. We obviously understand that we are three main races that are united as Satu Malaysia and we have our own language, but were also different in a way. It's hard to explain how were from Malaysia but we're Chinese. Or we're from. Malaysia but were Indian. Or even how we're Malaysian Chinese but we are also Christians. Stereotypically, when you're Chinese you speak Chinese, you're from China and you're most likely a Buddhist. Er, well people have such a hard time wrapping their minds around our amazing concept of life. It's too hard to explain.

6. The Weather

While it is fun to be somewhere colder and not have sweaty backs and pits everywhere you go, even when you first got out of the shower, it is very discouraging to wake up in the morning and it's so cold you need to start getting ready for school and face the cold. That isn't fun. But if it was something like wrapping yourself up in a blanket while it is cold, I am so game for that. While I don't miss the humidity back home, I miss the warmth, SOMETIMES. 

7. Malaysian drivers. Penang, in particular.

Watching Penang drivers are fun when you're in the back seat. But not when you're the one driving. Its fun watching your driver (perhaps your brother, or mom or even dad, or your friend?) Literally going "WTFFFFFF" when some idiot cuts lane abruptly and literally forgot their signals exist. Penang drivers are definitely a kind of its own. We cut lane, go above speed limit, most of the times even go super slow, we also have cars that produces super loud engine noises but can barely drive any faster than 40km/h, we beat the traffic light, tailgate, flash, honk and speed on the highways. But nevertheless, we know what we're doing.

8. School uniforms.

For those of you who think that school uniforms are a huge pain in the butt, trust me when I tell you that it is a lifesaver. For 2 months I've been struggling everyday on what to wear for school. On some days I'm super nice and on some I can easily feel like I'm wearing my pajamas to school and look super baggy. But I do miss school uniforms. They're easy and set out for you. It's a lifesaver. If Malaysia were to say that we could wear our own clothes to school, imagine all the hiao po's and the amount of time people spend in front of their closet just finding what to wear and then in return making everybody late for school.

9. Not smiling at random strangers.

If you currently live in a western country, maybe you would understand and maybe you won't. But the amount of strangers who instead of avoiding eye contact when you walk past each other, they smile or say "hello, how are you doing?". Back home if you did that, you would probably be some kind of weirdo. Technically we can be very friendly and nice or the complete opposite.

That's about it for now! :)

Zoe

Conversations in 1st Period.

Hi world. So after finals for 1st period me and two other classmates sat down and had a conversation started. Well there has been questions regarding if I have gotten my Yearbook Picture done, if I ordered my Yearbook, if I handed in my Senior quotes, if I'm going for Homecoming or even the night rally on Wednesday. And to be extremely honest I do not intend to get a Yearbook or get my Yearbook picture done and there's not need for Senior quotes if I don't order a Yearbook. Why? Well I know nobody and I don't see the need to get something so expensive when I honestly barely know anyone. During our conversations though we came to a conclusion that with the education system here it's definitely hard to fit in and make good friends. They all said that even they don't have people in the school they can deem as a best friend because of the constant moving around and how everyone was from the same elementary school thus making it very hard to fit in. 

Which brings me to the Homecoming dance and game tomorrow. None of the school's events are even near meaningful if you're doing it alone. I guess in a way I might regret it sooner or later or maybe never because I plan to miss homecoming, but I guess I'd rather feel comfortable than put myself in the position where I'm uncomfortable. I guess that goes the same for every other events that the school has. In one way or another these 2 months has made me feel like this is only temporary. Because I'll be out of there in 8 months and nothing else is going to matter anymore except for the fact where I need to work hard for my grades. 

I guess it doesn't shock me that some of the people here who has been here for almost ever, doesn't feel like they belong. In a way it has made me realize that things like these happens everywhere regardless of how long you've been somewhere. But it does really make me really sad to see that there are a lot of people who still can't find a place where they belong. In a way I hate that this happens to people. Because having to feel like this doesn't make me feel any better that other's are feeling just the same. People these days to be extremely honest needs to be less oblivious and self centered. On Wednesday during lunch we had another conversation about how things are. People know a lot of the stereotypes that goes on. That people here are friendly and open-minded. But just as I said. It's just a stereotype mentality. There are too many things that people still need to open up their views to. 

There world doesn't have enough space for more self centered and oblivious people. People need to start caring and open their hearts to the fact that there are more things to care about than themselves and the screen before them. You can push hard to try to fit in. But if nobody creates room for you to be in their lives, no matter how hard you push into or break into it, you'll never fit in. I'm not blaming others for not being able to fit in. But in all honesty, this is what people are dealing with. 

Zoe

Lunch Writings

Hi world. Just a little update during lunch because I didn't really know what I wanted to do. I'm at that stage where I've studied as much as I could for the mid-terms and now my brain is jammed. So that's pretty amazing. So you know how there are different types of horrible days. Here's my take on two of it for now. 

1. The I really don't care.

This is when you couldn't be bothered if you failed your test, if you look horrible, if you've eaten, if you look fat, if your hair is too greasy or if you stay away in class. This are the best of all bad days to me. As I person I feel too much. Probably just too sensitive in a way I guess. But I enjoy the days where I'm immune to feelings. Even when things go wrong, it doesn't matter because how much better is it going to be? That's right, not any better. So the days when I don't care are the days where I couldn't be bothered if someone stubbed their toe, if I accidentally sliced myself which cutting an apple, if I went swimming after I just had a shower and I just washed my hair. All those little things becomes irrelevant and the bigger things just doesn't exist anymore. In someways on days like these I'm more confident and fearless. I couldn't be bothered if I was alone or in a group full of people, or if I'm surrounded by idiots. Regardless of the situation, when I have days like these, its a great reminder that things are going to take different twist and turns one day, perhaps maybe everyday until you get to the right track but regardless of which road I take I'm going to get through it. It doesn't matter what happens, I'm just capable of it all, even though I'm in a foul mood.

2. The I'm having a bad day but I'll try my best to cheer myself up day.

These are the days when you see me dress up. Its those days where you want to look presentable and look like an actual human being even though deep down things are pretty crap. The days when I look the worst are the best carefree days. Don't you agree? Haha. But anyways, days like these are the days when I look the nicest. Pretty sure I'm not the only one on this. :p these days are the bad days that you care about. Everything matters. Every little thing that gets screwed over makes me want yo scream my lungs out. These are the worst of all days. When things are bad, when you're tired but you still care. Its like trying to save something that has just fell off a cliff. That's what it feels like. It's like a camouflage. You look really good but inside you're raging. Haha. But like I said, we all have

our bad days and these are just a few of mine.

Here's to the whole week of exams and mid-terms.

Zoe

Thursday Nights

Ever had those nights where you just want company? Good, comforting and familiar company? Those who knows you and has accepted you for who you are, the ones you're fearless with, the ones that brings out the best parts of you, those who makes you a better person and most importantly the people who are completely okay with you being not okay. The ones who understands that you're human too and that people need other people. It's nice to have people physically around to remind you of that. The fact that its okay to not be okay. That's what I crave, what I yearn for and what I've been deprived of.

Fact of the matter is though, things are the way it is now. No amount of words is going to change anything or make things better in a heartbeat. But there are just those nights where all you need is a little comfort and familiarity, a little love and a little laughter. Things hasn't been easy. None of it has. Some days feels like a breeze. The others, not so much. Somehow somewhere I want to belong. I want a place to call home. I want a group of people who feels like family to me.

So its nights like these and mornings after where things get hard. Its hard to be alone. Although most of the time it's relatively very much easier to be isolated than feel out of place among groups of people. But yes, it is hard to be alone. It's tiring. Sometimes when you need a pillar to lean on or a strong wall to fall back on, as obvious as it is, there's none. That's the hardest part about it. Having to pull yourself together, alone. Having to keep your chin up high, having to be the only one to remind yourself that you're human and that its okay to fall and break once in a while without blaming yourself for being so weak. Its also hard to keep yourself from breaking down from time and time again.

Then there's the time when you sort of question the meaning of strength and the reason or purpose behind anything at all. The reason why you get out of bed, the reason why you still keep going. Where does all these strength come from? Because the last time I checked I had no purpose and no strength to keep on going. Nights like these are hard. Weeks of it hasn't been kind. It's not emptiness, it's just loneliness. I'm deprived of people that matters. I'm deprived of my own comfort, I'm in need of my pillars and walls that keeps me together when I'm falling apart. In need of support and the strength that I lack.

I know my emotional and mental strength has never been the best. I'm easily beaten down, I give up very easily and I'm one of the most pessimistic people I know. I stay down for weeks after getting hit by a wave of monsters and giants, get back up for days and stay down again. Sometimes I just wished that I could hit pause and everything goes away just for the littlest amount of time. Enough to breathe, enough to appreciate, enough to be thankful for. But most of all, I just need to breathe. I need to breathe, I need my comfort, I need the people, I need the company, I need that comfortable silence, I need the familiarity, I need the strength, I need normal.

Zoe