January 11th 2018

It's been a long while since I've thought of this place. However, since I'm finding myself in one of those positions where I feel like I have a dark cloud over my head and nobody to listen to me, I thought that I would let it out here. The start of 2018 has been very dull. Aside from the fact that I have officially been admitted into my university of choice. That's pretty exciting. But with that aside, I'm really finding myself stuck in a place where I know I can do better but better is subjective, and better is scary and unknown. I feel like lonely will forever be a reoccurring theme in my life. And somehow I really just have to be okay with that. The hardest part about it is just getting the opportunity to feel loved and wanted. Once you get a taste of that, it's really hard to go back to being lonely and unwanted and unloved. I honestly do not want to be that person who depends on someone else to make them happy. In my head, I know that. But over the past year I have slowly taken down my walls brick by brick and honestly it's really nice to have someone to let in, it's nice to have someone who accepts you and loves you for what they see in you. It's a scary thought having to think that one day I might have to build up those walls again and that the bricks that I was slowly taking down should've probably stayed up in the first place. I'm afraid. I'm genuinely afraid of him waking up one day and realizing that he's done with me and my walls off brick and my baggage. I'm afraid that maybe all this while, I was the stupid one who thinks that we're in it all the way. I'm afraid of knowing that there's a possibility that he might not feel the same as I do. And I'm afraid of always wanting him more than he will ever want me in his life. I'm afraid of going back to being the person who is broken, alone and always getting the short end of the stick. Always having to be okay when she isn't. Having to do everything alone when she knows what it feels like to not do things alone anymore. I know what you're thinking. That I'm not ready to be with somebody if I'm not okay with being alone. I know that too. But it wasn't always like this. I was okay with being alone for a while. And then I had to start opening up bit by bit, and I found someone who I was willing to break down my walls for. After isolating myself for a long long time and finally being able to get a breath of fresh air that is warm, sweet and comforting, it's difficult to go back. I don't think anybody would ever want to go back to what they knew before the warm and comforting scent of having somebody to do life with you. So that's me. That's where I'm at. I'm afraid of losing my someone. Because he's my someone. And going into 2018, that has got to be one of my biggest fears. Not going to lie, I have spent just about almost every night in tears ever since the start of 2018. There's a huge wave of uncertainty that has taken over. It's like I'm stuck in a pit and nobody can help me up. Which, I guess is true. Nobody can help me out of this pit. It's my issue that I have to solve and nobody can do it for me. But I am afraid. I'm afraid of losing you and I'm afraid of starting a new chapter of school this year. I don't know if it's cowardly to say that I do not want to do life alone. I do not want to go through the year alone. I do not want to achieve my milestones in life alone. In 2017 I got my first 4.0 semester in college after hovering at 3.79s every semester since my first. And I have got to say, that achieving that 4.0 did not feel as rewarding as it should've been. All because there was nobody there to celebrate it with. Every exciting thing that has happened was not as exciting as it should've been because there is nobody here. And I'm really defeated by that. I have always needed people more than they'll ever needed me my whole life. And as I'm growing older and achieving milestones after milestones, I am growing even more bitter at the idea that I have to do life alone. I know that sounds pathetic. But I can't deny how I feel. In return, that makes me expect a lot out of someone who is there for me. And I shouldn't. It shouldn't be his burden to bear. And my expectations should be my own and if I ever find myself disappointed, it's all on me for expecting something out of someone. All in all, I cannot reiterate how scared and afraid I am about 2018. I'm afraid of change and I'm afraid of being alone. 

You're not here and I wish that you were. 

Permanent.

Ever since we packed up and left two years and nine months ago, my heart has been yearning for permanence. I'm very fortunate to be able to have a physical house to call home. But the permanence that I'm talking about is the people and a life that is permanent. Now I know, you're thinking "this girl is crazy. nothing in life is permanent." and that is very true. But maybe by permanent I mean something stable, something comfortable, something and some people to call home. And I cannot tell you how much this emptiness and loneliness has got to me in the course of my almost three years. 

Everything significant in this period of my life has been done in solitary. I'm not saying I want someone to do things for me. I'm not saying I want someone to get a 4.0 GPA for me. I'm saying I want people to celebrate my successes with me. I want people to sit with me as I go through a bad day, I want someone around who will just be. I'm not asking for much. I'm asking for someone to exist in between the little things and be the little things. I'm asking for someone that does not exist halfway across the world, separated by a 15 hour difference who goes to sleep when I wake up and vice versa. I'm asking for the ones who matter to not exist over a 4" screen, or a 21" monitor. I want people who are tangible. I want relationships that are tangible. Ones that can exist in comforting silence. Ones that exist in the form of a reassuring hug or over a cup of coffee, or ones that exist over night drives or just doing absolutely nothing but just be. 

Ed Sheeran has a line in one of his songs that goes "success is nothing if you don't have anyone left to share it with"  and I always quote him on that because of how true this pertains to me. Nothing that has happened over the past three years has been as important as it should've been because I have nothing permanent. 

For some weird reason I'm just feeling more of it this week. I felt like Zoe died 3 years ago and I've become this shell of a person that has learned to exist in the midst of this loneliness and emptiness. And that's really scary. 

I hope that one day I'll live instead of choose to exist. 

(a)lone(ly)

In the past 2 years, 3 months and 4 days I have learned a lot about what it means to be alone and what it means to be lonely. Everybody feels loneliness at some point in their life. I did too, way before we packed up and left home. But I never understood the difference. I used to always say that I was feeling lonely when really, I was just alone. 

For the past 2 years, 3 months and 4 days, I've been both. I've been alone and lonely. To me, to be alone is to be physically alone. To be lonely is to feel that big, empty, gaping hole in your soul and not knowing what exactly would fill it. I've been at both. I'm very often still at both. Today is one of those days. 

I wish things like these would just have expiry dates. People would think that it's been such a long time since I've moved that I would have settled down as they'd imagine. But I frequently wonder why they think it's so surprising that I haven't. 

I feel like a stranger in my own world today. 

Aug 5th - Midnight Musings

Song of choice for the night : Chariot by Jacob Lee

Spotify Playlist of choice : Chill-ish

...

Here's my battle of the week(or, battle of the millennium I should say). Have you ever had something that you know is bullshit but believe it anyway? Have you ever did something that you know you shouldn't do, but do it anyway? What about the thing that you know you're way above, but still stoop so low for it anyway? Yes? That's me and overthinking. I feel like my brain believes that I do not deserve a shred of happiness. My overthinking is always trying to ruin a good thing with the bad things. And I'm so done with it. I constantly feel like I'm at war with myself. I'm always trying to realign my thoughts and separating what I know is true and what I know is full of crap. 

I really want to be what my name means. "Zoe" means life. And I feel like I haven't been life in a very long while. I feel like I am constantly fighting for this thing people call happiness. I feel like the one who's stopping me from really being happy is me. And it's infuriating when I can't tell my head to shut it. It's infuriating that I can't have free time because my brain decides that it's happy hour to go on a overthinking marathon. It's so frustrating that I have to constantly tell myself to stop believing the lies that my brain is constantly feeding me. I often feel like I am going to combust and burst into flames because of how much of these thoughts that I cannot take. 

The hardest part lately is that I feel like I'm looking at this happen from a glass window. I used to believe my thoughts. I used to blindly and blatantly accept that my unnecessary thoughts are true.  But now, I feel like I've grown to the point where I can easily call bullshit on my thoughts. The hardest part is seeing myself succumb to them. It's like watching myself fall into a deep dark hole in a glassed box. I see it all happen right before my eyes. I see through the lies, I see through it all. But I also see myself falling deeper and deeper into it. 

I know that it gets harder before it gets easier. And I'm glad that I'm able to differentiate my thoughts between what I know is true and what I know is a bag of lies. I'm thankful that I've grown and gotten to the point where I want to snap out of it, to do something about it. I'm grateful that I am no longer at that point where I let it consume me without a fight. I fight it, I try my damn hardest to not let it get to me. The most heartbreaking thing is that most of the times, it still gets to me. 

I yearn to be strong. I yearn to be full of life, full of light. I want to be known for my smiles and not for my frowns. I want to have a few bad days amongst great days and not good days amongst bad days. I want to not be full of worry. I want to be full of life. I want to be able to live up to my name. I want to be filled with kindness and compassion. I want to be filled with comfort and joy and the peace that surpasses all understanding. I long for the day when I will be able to say that my worries don't trouble me. I long for the days when I don't have to explain why I'm sad, worried or overwhelmed for no reason. I long for the days when I do not have to rant about my overthinking on my blog because it's too stupid of a deal to say it out loud. It sounds stupid when I put it in context. It sounds so foolish when I say it out loud. It sounds ridiculous when I am the reason for my lack of joy. 

I know that to be human is to feel all these emotions. But I want to be the human that feels the great emotions more often than I feel the dark ones. It's tiring. It's emotionally and mentally draining. Not only for me, but also for the ones around me. And I don't want to be that person who walks around with dark cloud hovering over me. It's too much. I can't do this thing called living if I keep getting weighed down by insignificant thoughts. I just don't know what to do with myself. I really don't.

Overthinking.

Have you ever had that moment in time when you realize that the things that you call yours aren't really yours to begin with? I've been having a few of those moments these few days. In someways, it makes me hold on to somethings tighter and in other ways, it makes me worry less about the things that aren't going the way I expected. 

I would call myself a very meticulous person. I also really like it when things go according to plan, I like it when I know things so that I don't worry so much. Obviously, life doesn't work that way. Life is unexpected. Life is spontaneous. Life is full of surprises at every corner, good and bad. Because of that, I find it really hard to "be alive" sometimes. Not in the suicidal way, more of the life-gets-really-tiring-sometimes way. Actually, almost all the time. 

I battle with myself a lot. Lately, it's been a battle of shutting my mind off and stopping all unnecessary over thinking. Usually, I let it consume me and suffocate me because all I do is think and keep those thoughts to myself. I'm really trying my best to not let my thoughts consume me all the time. Ironically, the more I try to pray, commit it to God and talk myself out of my unnecessary thoughts, the harder it gets. It doesn't mean that it's not working though, I believe that it's because it is that's why it's getting harder and harder.

I honestly do not know when and how I developed this tendency to worry and think so much. I'd like to say that I was a carefree child who had a really bright and sunny childhood. But now that I think back on it, I realize how much I kept to myself and how much I worried as a kid. That's just daunting. Let's just say that I have been an overthinker for 19 years. Let's just put it that way. I'd say overthinking is my guilty pleasure. It's something that isn't good for me, but yet I do it anyway. I don't know why I do it, but I do it anyway. And it drives me insane. Sometimes it feels like it eats bits and pieces of me from the inside out. It exhausts me emotionally, it drives me insane. It makes me feel things that I don't want to feel: doubt, disappointment, sadness and sometimes even anger. 

Overthinking is also one of those things where I don't talk to people about. It's one of those things that seems HUGE to me and the moment I start putting them in words, I realise exactly how stupid it is. But yet, I constantly feel like I'm David battling Goliath. The great thing is, David did defeat Goliath. The hardest part for me is, I feel like I'm David battling Goliath a few times a day. Overthinking is like a broken record that keeps playing over and over again even though I know that I've been through this and there is absolutely nothing wrong. 

Overthinking things makes me feel so foolish and weak because I'm the one thing that's causing me to feel defeated. It makes me feel like I'm crippled. Like how I have to take time out of my day to just breathe and recollect myself just because my brain decides that it has things to worry about. It's also my battle. Unfortunately, nobody else can win this for me. Nobody can snap their fingers and make it all better. Not even I can snap my fingers and make it all better. I can try my hardest to do my best to make it all better. Not all days are like this anymore. It's been getting better and I feel very thankful that it is. But I guess tonight is just one of those nights where I feel defeated. It's one of those nights where I've let it get to me, yet again. It's one of those nights where I want to be alone to sulk about the things that I shouldn't even be sulking about. It's one of those nights where I feel like my world is crumbling at my feet and I can do nothing but watch. It's one of those nights where I just want to lie down in exhaustion, hoping to find rest, but not being able to get any. It's the night where I let my thoughts consume me so that I can sort them out and tell myself yet again how stupid all this is. 

I let them suffocate me tonight so that when I wake up tomorrow, I get to breathe and the brightness of this summer sun will ensure that my little dark cloud that follows me around everywhere will not be there in the morning. 

I'm my biggest enemy.

Yes, it's been awhile. But I guess I had to write this down after having this thought earlier today. This week has been a roller coaster. Of really really good days mixed in with a little bit of bad. Then today, I realized that I'm my biggest enemy. I'm my biggest bully. But I'm also my biggest victim. Has anyone else realized that? 

Here's what I mean by "I'm my biggest bully". I'm the first to discourage myself. I'm the first to convince myself that things are really bad. I'm the first to say "you're ugly" when I check my appearance before leaving the room. I'm the first to say "you can't do it" when I'm facing an obstacle. I'm always the one to convince myself that I have hit rock bottom. I'm the one to tell me that I'm lonely and I'm worthless. I'm the one who says that I'm not qualified and that I'm not good enough. I'm the one that does not allow myself to enjoy the little things in life. I am the one who convinces myself that I do not deserve happiness. I'm the one who's stealing my own happiness. 

To be extremely honest, I should be the one encouraging myself. I should be the first to say that things aren't bad, they are bearable. Because from the outside looking in, someone would say that I can do it. They'll say that I'm beautiful and they'll tell me that I'm strong enough. They'll say that I'm not lonely and that I'm worthy. They'll say that I'm more than good enough and more than qualified. They'll be the one providing the joy in the little things, and they'll also be the ones who contributes to the happiness that I deny myself. 

It's so weird that someone from the outside looking in has a better view of the bigger picture than I do. I wonder why people do this to themselves. I wonder why we're always the first to drag ourselves down and the last to pull ourselves up. I'd say that I've grown a lot emotionally from where I was two years ago in the Pre-USA Zoe era. Pre-USA Zoe would not have realized this. I know how easy it is to stay down. But it's so tiring. It's so tiring to stay down all the time. And it's an uphill battle every single day. 

It's heartbreaking how much I bully myself every single day. But this is not me. The loneliness, the depressed and the pessimistic mindset are things that has stuck to me as I grew up. The sad, heavy hearted, confused, conflicted person is not who I am, it's really just the things/habits that I have accumulated along the way. I feel like I need to start prying them off me. I'm too busy suffocating myself with my thoughts to the point where I can't breathe.

I don't know why people do this to themselves. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's exhausting. 

Life Update

A friend of mine reminded me of this place a few nights ago and I realized that I haven't been writing for a very long time now. I stopped writing because I just didn't want to keep being so negative all the time. But honestly, I feel like 21 year old me will appreciate how far she's gone from the current 18 year old me. 

Honestly, it's been 2 years and 11 days since we've moved here. While I feel like I'm in a better place than I was on the day I moved here and the days after that of loneliness and emptiness, I won't say that I'm in the best place of my life either. I'm not okay. I'm constantly not okay because everybody is moving on and everyone that I once knew is somebody different now. I too, am different. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid of growing up and I'm afraid of saying it out loud because it's going to mean that I'm acknowledging them. 

I'm upset that I'm constantly needing people more than they'll need me. I'm so frustrated because this whole move is not what people said it would be. I'm devastated that while I anticipated everything that accompanied me with this trip, I did not anticipate the loneliness that would come with it. Honestly, I did not see it coming. Like an idiot, I did not expect it, I did not prepare for it and it came hitting me like a big yellow school bus. I'm not one to have a lot of friends but even then, I did not expect the ones that I had to fall apart. I did not expect the people who held my world together be the people who only watched and spoke from far away as my world slowly crumbled at my feet. And the hardest part is that it's not their fault. 

The hardest part of any situation is when there's nobody to blame. I'm constantly breaking apart on the inside and lying because I don't know what to do about it. People say that time fixes things. You don't heal from it, time doesn't help. I'd say time makes it worse. Time is just a record of exactly how long it's been since I got yanked out of home. Time just keeps an accurate number of how many days and nights I've spent yearning for a "better life" that everybody claimed that I would get. Time doesn't heal. Time doesn't make it better. Time makes it worse. Time makes it unbearable. Time makes it real. 

It's been two years. It's been two years since I've been utterly lonely. It's been two years since everybody has moved on but me. It's been two excruciatingly painful years because it's not what everyone assured me that it would be. This is not an adventure. This is excruciating pain. This is a big huge gaping wound that's still expanding its perimeters to make sure that one day, all that's left is a shell of the person that I used to be. I can't do this. 

So if you ask me how my 2 years has been here in the US, I'd say that I wouldn't wish loneliness on anybody. There are good days and there are bad days. While some days feel better than others, there's still an underlying shadow that follows me around reminding me of my circumstances. Loneliness is not enough of a big thing to warrant a complain because I can still function like a normal human being. I'm also afraid to feel happy sometimes because it feels like it's going to be yanked away again and I can't bear this kind of emptiness again.